Here Comes The Judge!

By now, readers of this blog will have a good idea about what to expect from that banana pudding mixture of Christian fundamentalism and overblown paranoia that is Jack T. Chick. Demons luck everywhere, trying to lead you astray. Your intelligent-sounding best friend might be the Devil in a rubber mask. Reject the Word of God, and death and Hell are only seconds away!

This overly-plotted story, however, is a right turn onto left field. It isn't until halfway through the story that a point begins to emerge.

Chick introduces us to Judge Shelton Barnstead, who "gave to charity and was loved by all," but who apparently "had a dark side that very few knew about." Having introduced his titular character, Chick proceeds to ignore Judge Barnstead for a full eight panels. Those panels tell the story of a mother, Kim Keefer, who returns home with her two kids to see a man killing her husband Kyle. It seems Kyle Keefer was a P.I., who had been investigating the Governor and had gathered photographic evidence against him. The murderer, Lance, escapes with the photos and reports to the Judge. "You messed up big time, stupid!" Judge Barnsy admonishes Lance for being caught in the act, and orders him to "bring me the photos right now!"

Judge Barney gets the photos, but Lance gets himself arrested. In response, the Police Chief plants "a stash of illegal drugs" in Kim's home, then has her arrested for her husband's murder. Kim appears before Judge Barnstead, who gives her 50 years (40 for her crimes, and 10 for calling him a "devil").

All clear so far? The Governor did something bad, Kyle took pictures of him doing it, and the Governor used his extensive list of henchmen and cronies (Judge B, the Police Chief, Lance) to cover his ass. The Governor's next move is to have Judge Barnsy taken care of, and one exploding cafe later the not-so-good judge finds himself in hospital.

And it is here, finally, that the plot... not thickens, exactly, but becomes slightly less runny. Conrad, Judge Barnstead's well-groomed but big-nosed house servant, pays his employer a visit in intensive care. Even though Barnsy treated him "like trash since day one," Conrad feels compelled to tell him "about the awesome Judge you must face after death." Barnsy is unable to speak, having been wrapped up mummy-style, but his fearsome eyebrows make his feelings plain.

Conrad preaches about Jesus, then he goes on to tell his boss about the End Times as well. It's as if Chick stuffed the first half of his tract with his complicated plot, then needed some extra material to fill a few more panels. "So what's your decision, sir?" Conrad asks, and he actually hands the judge a card with Yes and No tic boxes on it! Chick gets in a decent joke here - instead of ticking Yes or No, Judge Barnstead writes "You're fired" on the card. Conrad, and Jesus, take that as a solid No, and anyone who rejects Christ in a Chick tract is doomed to an immediate death. Two panels later a bearded, eyepatch-wearing henchman finishes Barnsy off; his soul "was carried away" and "his muffled screams went unheard." The context suggests the screams took place after his soul's departure; maybe Chick was referring to the judge's agonized cries from Hell. The picture of him burning in flames is small by Chick's usual standard, although his eyebrows aren't nearly so terrifying any more.

Oh, and apparently Judge Barnsy didn't go to Hell for his part in the whole murder/theft/conspiracy deal with the Governor. Chick identifies his sins as that of "stubbornness and pride." Readers are then warned, "Don't make the same mistake!" So it's okay to kill someone and take their stuff, blow up cafes, manipulate the law, plant evidence, send innocent people to jail, and whatever the heck it was the Governor was caught doing in the first place... all that stuff is just fine with the Lord as long as you aren't prideful and stubborn? And how was Judge Barnstead prideful and stubborn, exactly? For rejecting Jesus? How do we know he didn't reject Jesus because he thought his house servant Conrad had gone to the nutty store to buy a pair of crazypants?

Jack T. Chick's tracts are usually obvious to the point of being insulting. Here Comes The Judge is so full of plot that the message is hopelessly lost. You blew this one, Jack. That's my verdict.

Here Comes The Judge
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - ?

Glorious Appearing: The End of Days

This is it, the final volume in the Left Behind series! Except, of course, for the three prequel novels. And the novelizations of the Gospels. Oh, and the final, final novel set 1,000 years after the events of this one.

Right.

Okay then, how about this - at the time of its publication, Glorious Appearing was meant to be the concluding chapter in the AntiChrist vs. Tribulation Force story. The Seven Year Tribulation - and its accompanying curses, plagues, disasters, soul harvests, improbable human-headed scorpion locusts, and other assorted trumpet and bowl judgments – comes to an end, and we finally witness the Second Coming of the Son of Man of the Hour, Jesus the Christ.

And boy oh boy, does the Prince of Peace ever let them sinners have it! Jesus quotes the Bible at them, and His Voice acts like a death ray:

“And with those very first words, tens of thousands of Unity Army soldiers fell dead, simply dropping where they stood, their bodies ripped open, blood pooling in great masses.”

“With every word, more and more enemies of God dropped dead, torn to pieces.”

“Rayford watched through binocs as men and women soldiers and horses seemed to explode where they stood. It was as if the very words of the Lord had superheated their blood, causing it to burst through their veins and skin.”

“…and writhed as they were invisibly sliced asunder. Their innards and entrails gushed to the desert floor… their blood pooling and rising in the unforgiving brightness of the glory of Christ.”

And it actually gets worse from there. Jesus leads no less than four separate campaigns against the AntiChrist’s army, one after the other, before finally chucking AntiChrist Nicholae Carpathia and his False Prophet sidekick Leon Fortunato into Hell. Why, you might ask, does the King of Kings and Lord of Lords (which is actually written on his robe! For real!) need to go to all that trouble? Couldn’t HE just, I don’t know, blow them all up and be done with it?

No, HE can’t. That’s not what the Bible says. Or, at least, that’s not what authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins say that the Bible says. They say that the Bible says that Jesus fights four battles with the AntiChrist’s army, so HE has to fight all four battles. Wouldn’t want to contradict Biblical prophecy, now would you?

And that is one of the main problems with this book, and indeed the entire series; every Biblical I is dotted, every Gospel T crossed (see what I did there?). If it’s in the Bible it has to be accounted for, no matter how small or silly or detrimental to the plot.

For example, in the middle of Jesus’ slaughter of Nicky’s troops, there is a storm of giant hailstones. As if the poor guys didn’t have enough to worry about, what with the whole getting annihilated by GOD HIMSELF. These great chunks of ice crush several more unbelievers and then melt, and Nicholae’s humvee gets stuck in the ensuing flood. Leon Fortunato has to get out and push, a situation that becomes fraught with comical hijinks.

Comical hijinks? Seriously?!?

Yes, seriously. The AntiChrist and the False Prophet are played largely for laughs in this book, most of it due to Leon’s clumsiness and Nicholae’s cowardice. Are these two really the same guys who kept the world in a state of terror for seven years and eleven previous volumes? For the reader, this is less than satisfying.

But that isn't nearly as bad as the hand that’s dealt to our plucky Trib Force heroes. Things start off interestingly enough – we witness the death of Buck Williams, and the scenes involving the search for the wounded Rayford Steele contain genuine tension and pathos. The others wait at Petra for the AntiChrist’s imminent attack…

…but the moment Jesus appears in the sky, all of them become useless. They follow Jesus and the AntiChrist and watch the remaining prophecies unfold, allowing readers to witness those events through their eyes... and that's it. None of the characters that readers have journeyed with up until that point have any kind of important role, any plot-resolving function, any longer.

So, having usurped the role of Main Character for HIMSELF, what does Jesus the Christ do with it? He obliterates his enemies in his infinite mercy – we’ve covered that. Otherwise, he has two roles to play, which I’ll call Nice Jesus and Mean Jesus. Nice Jesus gives comfort to his flock, speaking to and hugging each of them, assuring them they have done well. Mean Jesus divides the entire population of the planet into Saved and UnSaved, and sends all the UnSaved people to Hell. It’s hard to believe they are the same deity.

The Trib Force characters don’t care. They’re delighted when their Lord adds their names to a bit of Scripture-quoting, and all of them have a Wayne’s World-esque “we’re not worthy” moment. They happily (and passively) sit back and watch the Lord do his stuff.

The last quarter of the novel is like an Academy Awards Ceremony for the faithful, with Old and New Testament guys like Moses and Paul getting their pats on the back for jobs well done. We are told that Rayford et al suffer no weariness or boredom during the event. The same cannot be said for this reader!

I’d like to point out here that the book The Paperback Apocalypse: How the Christian Church was Left Behind by Robert M. Price does a far better job of critiquing Glorious Appearing, and the rest of the Left Behind books, than I ever could. If you like my reviews, do pick this book up, you won’t be sorry. I won’t go into detail about most of the points Price raised, because I didn’t think of them before reading his book. I am trying to limit my reviews to my own impressions, and I won’t go and pass his thoughts off as my own.

I will, however, discuss one of his excellent observations: Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins don’t present Jesus as being all that different from Nicholae Carpathia. Both demand worship and loyalty, both make grandiose claims about themselves, both punish those who fail to obey them, and both plan to rule the world - in Jesus’ case, with an iron rod: Revelation 12:5 ‘She bore a male Child who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron.’
“That rod of iron sounds like He’s going to take no baloney from anybody, doesn’t it?” says a character too unimportant to be worth naming. I find the similarities between Nicky and J.C. both hilarious and disturbing, and I wouldn’t want either of them to get their hands on my eternal soul.

Neither, I suspect, would any secular reader. Then again, if a non-believer has been willing to read all the way to book 12, I have to concede their conversion is a possibility, if not a very big one.

Glorious Appearing is billed as 'The Final Chapter of Those Left Behind', but it shouldn’t have been. The battle of Armageddon in the previous volume would have made a more exciting climax, with Jesus’ return relegated to the final few chapters. If LaHaye and Jenkins had been willing to condense things a bit and leave one or two details out, they might have achieved a much stronger and more interesting conclusion to their series. Just because you have enough prophetic material to fill an entire 400 pages doesn’t mean you should.

Who would have thought the Second Coming would be so boring?

Glorious Appearing: The End of Days
Likely to Convert - 1
Cover Art - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 5
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 8

The Most Important 2 Minutes of Your Life

This tract actually has a dash of humility. On the cover, the words "Reading this pamplet could be..." immediately precede the title, which is itself followed by, "Try it, and see..."

Do you know what that means? The tract authors at Evangelical Tract Distributors can't spell the word 'pamphlet'! But more importantly, it means the authors are allowing for a certain amount of uncertainty. They haven't said that a reading of their 'pamplet' most definitely WILL be your life's most important couple of minutes. No, they hedge their bets and merely suggest that it "could be." That suggests that readers might read the tract and decide it was a waste of time, and the authors actually accept that possibility! Bravo to them, I say.

Unfortunately, the rest of the tract is not so humble. "You have a vital need!" we are told, and "the proof is in your heart!" These sentences and others like them are accompanied by lines of scripture, presumably to give their ideas some Biblical weight. By now, readers of this blog will know what the rest of the tract says - you're a sinner who will go to Hell unless you get Saved. Need I mention this tract provides no factual evidence to back up the Bible quotes? Didn't think so.

Reading this tract did not occupy the most important two minutes of my life. Reviewing it was a little better, but not by much.

The Most Important 2 Minutes of Your Life
Likely to Convert - 7
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

How To Survive on the Inside

This is a rare find. Published by ATS, this tract is written specifically for people in prison. Not sure how a copy ended up on the subway where I found it. Maybe Jesus helped some guy to escape.

The tract, a seven-page thing with photos of miserable-looking young 'criminals' (a white guy on the cover, and a black guy and a Latino girl on the inside),goes to a fair amount of detail while steering well clear of any facts. We are first presented with seven questions, including: "Did you know that God knows how you ended up here and He loves you anyway?" "Did you know that God sees past your cell and straight into your heart?"

The seven questions are followed by eight detailed steps, not including the three steps to getting Saved at the end. All eight steps provide guidance on how to be a good Christian prisoner. The tract assumes readers not only want to be Christians, but that they want "to spread His message" to their fellow inmates, too.

And, the tract assumes its readers repent. It's a safe enough assumption. The kind of criminal who enjoys sinning probably isn't interested in tracts. Which limits the audience even further.

That small audience, however, will likely find How To Survive On the Inside very useful and comforting. I myself am comforted by the absence of Hell and Satan in this tract, and there's nothing worth getting offended about, either. Of course, a little fire and brimstone often makes these things more entertaining to read.

"If you are a Christian," the tract tells us, "God doesn't see your guilt." Too bad everybody else does. Still, it's a nice sentiment to hold on to.

How To Survive On the Inside
Likely to Convert - 7
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

The Second Coming: Surely I Come Quickly

Let me begin this tract review by saying that I shall try to deal with the title as maturely as possible. Not easy, given the scripture quote from Revelation 22:20 that makes up the subtitle, "Surely I Come Quickly."

Too bad for Shirley!

As you may have guessed, this Fellowship Tract League offering concerns the End Times. The cover offers some lovely artwork of people on white horses riding through space toward Earth. One of them (Jesus, I'm guessing) wears a crown and wields a sword, and has blood dripping from the hem of his robe. He also has the words King of Kings and Lord of Lords written on his robe at thigh level, just above the blood. There are Bible passages for each of these details, which is a good thing - otherwise, this guy might look a bit silly.

I mean, seriously? King of kings and lord of lords written on his thigh? In case anyone doesn't believe it's HIM and asks for his ID? But it's in the Bible, like I said, so it must be true.

And that's the attitude taken by this tract. No surprise there. I don't think I've encountered a tract that wasn't. I suppose this one stands out for me because it seems even more concerned with the nitty-gritty, fiddly little details.

What's worse is that the tract author puts words into readers' mouths! "You say, 'I just cannot believe it. I have so many questions.'" No, I said nothing of the kind, but that doesn't stop the author from responding with: "Let's allow God's Word to answer them for you." I did not say I had questions, but now this author has the arrogance to pose answers to what it thinks my questions are!

"When will the rapture take place? Soon!"
"Will it affect me? Yes!"
"How can it be true? JESUS SAID SO!"
"What should I do? REPENT, BELIEVE, BE SAVED!"

As is common for this type of tract, the author makes several grandiose claims and backs them up only with scripture quotes. Naturally, this will lose him/her many skeptics and atheists by the wayside. I've been saying it for how many reviews now? Just because you believe that "Jesus Christ wold not lie," doesn't mean the rest of us will take your word for it!

This tract reminds me of the post-Rapture video in Left Behind, the movie and the book. The video explains where all the vanished people have gone, and what the rest of the world has in store for them. This tract could serve the same purpose, and might actually be effective in such a scenario. The author clearly wants to inform people before the fact rather than after, however, so I doubt it will convince the secular crowd pre-Rapture. It might just save a few souls afterward, if the Rapture actually happens.

And that's a pretty big 'if'.

"If you miss the rapture, you will" be stuck on Earth during "the Great Tribulation" and you will "cry out for help and comfort" before you "end up in hell for all eternity." Maybe I will. But it will take something a lot better than this tract to convince me.

The Second Coming: Surely I Come Quickly
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Satan: The God of This World

Here's another reminder, this time from Fellowship Tract League, that Satan is the chief, boss, ruler, and all-around grand-poo-bah of planet Earth. "Satan has influence and power enough to keep a man from looking into the Bible," the uncredited author tells us, and "certain men have joined Satan to help in his work." What is that work? Keeping people from "seeing that God's Son gave his life for a sin-cursed world." Apparently this keeps him quite busy.

And, no one is safe! "It is sad to see man and women with broken lives under the dominion of Satan," the author says, but it turns out that "good parents, first class citizens, fine moral leaders, and church members" are "also under the dominion of Satan."

A frightening reminder to one who is devout, to be sure, but what about the non-believers? Will they care? Will someone who has never heard of Satan come to fear the Devil's dominion? Not likely - the word 'Devil' is never mentioned.

And Hell isn't mentioned until the last page! Satan may be "a deceiver," and he may also be "the god of sin," but what exactly does that mean in the real world? This tract assumes you already know about Heaven and Hell, so it doesn't bother to explain.

The tract ends with the usual blurb about how you need Jesus to save you, complete with standard prayer. In fact, most of Page 3 is about Jesus, too. Only one page and a bit deal directly with Satan, and then only in abstract terms. Satan is "the god of sin." So what? That and a quarter won't even get you a cup of coffee.

Try again, League.


Satan: The God of This World
Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Do You Flirt With Danger?

"...Timothy thought it was safe for him to hang out with grizzly bears." So begins this latest tract from Evangelical Tract Distributors, written by Roscoe Barnes III. I laughed hard when I read that line, and so should you.

I should have been pissed. After all, here's another tract that's using my name in vain! The message Roscoe is going for is so obvious, and the skill with which he delivers it so stupid, that I'm prepared to let that slight go.

As I'm sure you've guessed, things don't turn out so well for poor Timmy. "People warned him of the danger of" grizzly bears, but Tim "believed he was safe." Then, "despite his belief and good intentions, his rendez-vous with danger resulted in death."

Where is this heading, I don't hear any of you asking? "Like Timothy, we sometime feel we're on the right path," [the typo is Roscoe's, not mine] but "if we live without Christ" then we are "flirting with danger." In other words, if you haven't been Saved you are, essentially, kicking a grizzly bear in the nuts.

"Now that you have seen the warnings," Roscoe sums up, "you have a decision to make. Will you heed the warnings" and "accept God's offer" of Savedhood? Or "will you flirt with danger?" And get mauled by the bears of Hell?

Roscoe Barnes the Third has created a serviceable metaphor with this tract, one that demonstrates the jeopardy he believes the unSaved to be in. A thinking person will see the holes in his reasoning; one can choose to avoid bears, but (according to the theology Roscoe puts forth) Hell is a bunch of bears seeking you out. Plus, bears are real; there is plenty of physical, biological, tangible and visible evidence to prove their existence. There is no such evidence supporting Hell's reality. A person does not have to accept the threat that bears pose to our well-being on faith alone. They need only watch an episode of The Colbert Report.

Of course, there are plenty of non-thinking people who will accept this tract's message of fear at face (muzzle) value. Even they might have trouble taking this tract seriously, however, after reading that first sentence! "...safe to hang out with grizzly bears." That's paws-itively unbearable!

Do You Flirt With Danger?
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 8
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1