Psalm 23

The first and most important thing to know about this Evangelical Tract Distributors offering, titled Psalm 23 (A Friend That Goes With Me), is that it does not mention Psalm 23 at all. The cover, with a nice photo of a church in front of a field, is the only place that title appears.

There are other Psalms on the inside - this is a Scripture-quote tract, with six quotations and a brief write-up on what they are supposed to mean. We have Psalm 84:11. We have 68:19. We even have Psalm 145:1 - 10. But Psalm 23? Nope.

With a gaffe like that, you'd think the author would want to remain anonymous. Nope again. His name is David Buttram (no, I am not making the obvious joke here, I have some standards), and it is printed right there on the cover under the titular Psalm that this tract is not about.

So the title is off. What about the lines of Scripture (and David's write-ups of them) on pages 2 & 3? Nothing terribly interesting or new. "Even though the world surrounds me with temptation, danger and death," he writes, "I feel safe and secure because of His watchful care over me." Apparently that's what Psalm 32:7 and 34:4 mean.

"I know the evil one is trying to follow me," he says, "but God is following even closer." And as awesome as God is, "I know this is only a taste of the future He is preparing for me." So God will keep you secure and safe from the evil one, and will make your life fantastic. Sounds nice, but we have to take David's word for it. And since the guy can't even title his tracts properly, well...

"Would you like to have this Shepherd living in your life?" David asks, before presenting the Sinner's Prayer on the back page. This is the first time he's mentioned a Shepherd, apart from quoting "The Lord is my shepherd" right at the beginning. One assumes the animal wrangler he's referring to is God, then. Odd, though.

Heck, the whole thing is odd. Too odd to convert anyone, I would say. Scripture-quote tracts assume that Bible verses are relevant to your life. If they aren't, they sound nice but have little power. Certainly not persuasive power.

You're getting very low marks on this one, David Buttram (still not making the joke, I'm above that!). Nice cover image, but that's the nicest thing I can say for it. A trip back to tract-writing school would seem to be in order, Mr. Buttram, because if this is your best effort, you can crumple it up and ram it in your butt.

...couldn't resist.

Psalm 23
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 1
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Is There Something Missing In Your Life?

This one would have gone perfectly with this collection of tracts I reviewed back in April of 2012. It's a popular theme, the notion that there is "a vital part of your existence that isn't there" that is "crying out to be filled" that can only be filled with Christ.

The tract asks three questions: What is missing? How did it happen? What has been done about it? The answers are the story of Adam and Eve sinning, after which "every one of us has been born into sin" and doomed to "eternal separation from God in hell fire." Then the tract tells us "Jesus Christ, the God-man" went and "offered Himself the perfect, sinless sacrifice unto God" in order to "give life back unto men."

So, because of something two alleged people did thousands of years ago, you're missing something and are going to go to Hell because of it. Fortunately God killed himself so that we could not only fill up that empty void we all have, but we can go to Heaven instead. A two-for-one deal! Sounds great, but the tract author doesn't bother trying to prove it.

It's a dodge, is what it really is. 'Hey, buddy! You look sad. That's cuz you don't have the one thing that'll make you happy - Jesus! Act now, and He won't burn you for eternity!'

"My friend, are you dead or alive?" the tract begins, then attempts to convince you of the former. It didn't convince me. Evidence and a compelling argument are the somethings missing from this tract.

Is There Something Missing in Your Life?
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 3
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 2

Common Sense

You know you're in for a bullshit storm when a religious tract makes an appeal to common sense. Like When The World Is On Fire, a tract I reviewed back in 2008 that urged readers to "face the facts", this Evangelical Tract Distributors offering makes promises it has no intention of keeping.

Pastor C. Leslie Miller, the tract's author, uses half the space to ask questions and provide Bible verses as answers. Is it common sense "to live for sin, pleasure and money," and to "believe it makes no difference what you believe," or will it pay "if your life is replete with thrills, and hilarious with fun and pleasure" if you die and end up "in eternal darkness and unending torture?" Pastor Miller assumes you are already a believer - why else would these questions be relevant? But if they aren't relevant to non-believers, why is Miller asking them?

The next half-page makes statements that must be true, based on the questions and Scripture we have just read. "It is common sense... to prepare to meet your God," and "to realize the reality of eternity and prepare for it." Miller also hits us with some whoppers: "It is sensible to believe that death is not the end of everything, but the beginning of an unending existence in another conscious destiny." What?!? No it isn't! "The most intelligent thing you could do is to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour" so He doesn't "pronounce your sentence of doom." No! That's only intelligent if it is demonstrably true, and Miller can't prove that and doesn't try.

"It will pay... to be sure I am safe, and ready to meet God." I'm sure it will - if you can in fact be sure. And you can't. I for one am not about to jump into a religion because of a bunch of unfounded claims.

That's just common sense.

Common Sense
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 2
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 2

It's All About You!

Here's some Chick for a modern audience. While the last Chick Tract I reviewed, The Sissy, made reference to The Bionic Man, this tract is set very much in today's world. Or, at least, within the last ten years.

It's All About You is aimed at young people, or rather the impression Jack has of them. We meet Hannah, a self-absorbed whiner of a college student who isn't named until page 11. "Life is so unfair!" she tells her grandpa, who hangs around her college for some reason. "Nobody understands the 'inner me'." And "I didn't ask to be born, you know!" Based on these statements, Gramps deduces that she's "got it all figured out." Nevertheless, he warns her about two "someones" who have "seen things you'd rather people didn't know about," especially since "one of them has it in for you!" As you can imagine, this causes Hannah some alarm.

"He wants to steal the most valuable thing you've got," Gramps tells her.

"My iPod?" Hannah cries, demonstrating Jack Chick's deft hand at comedy while simultaneously dating this tract to the mid-2000s. If written today, it probably would have been an iPhone 5. Or a Tablet. Or a copy of The Five Demons You Meet In Hell.

Of course, Gramps is really talking about Hannah's soul. He tells her that "forces in the spirit world - angels and devils" are in "a war to see who gets" it. He lays the FEAR on nice and thick; "Satan means business" and will "do anything to destroy your soul," and "absolutely nothing is hidden from the eyes of God" because "everything you do, say or think is being recorded." Apparently God is in charge of the United States' Homeland Security! Our "sins just keep piling up" and "that blocks us from going to heaven."

Think Gramps is finished? Hell, no! He's just warming up. Among Satan's chief weapons are "STDs, drugs or booze," and "his rotten crowd" might even "make you binge and purge your meals." Huh? Where did that come from? Every now and then Jack Chick will throw in something totally random.

What are not so random are the pot-shots Jack takes at other religions. There's a picture of four "phoney 'holy men'" including an excellent caricature of the Dalai Lama and an okay rendering of former pope and pedophile-enabler/protector Ratzinger. "Religion pretends to be holy" while putting "their own followers into bondage." We see an image of a corrupt Catholic priest trying to con a grieving widow, and no bout of Chick religion-bashing would be complete without an image of a Muslim suicide bomber.

Now that Hannah has been sufficiently terrorized, Gramps tells her "the Good News" about Jesus "making the only way for us to get to heaven" by dying and shedding "His holy blood to wash away our sins." "But isn't that religion?" Hannah asks, reasonably enough, but Gramps assures her it is not. Hannah gets Saved, and says that "Jesus loves me and really understands me." And he won't steal her iPod, either!

In my review of The Sissy?, I mentioned that the character Duke was likely a stand-in for a certain type of person, namely big hairy tough guys who drive trucks. In It's All About You, Hannah would seem to be representing the youth of today - sullen, ungrateful, self-absorbed, and in dire need of Saving. As always, Jack Chick's tracts reveal more about himself than they do about God.

The art is up to Jack's usual standard. The only place where I felt his drawings were lacking were the depictions of Hannah's fingers in three 'close-up shots' (including the cover). They look more like the digits of an old crone, not a young lady. Also, from page 17 onward, Jack draws her face with more realistically-defined lips. Not sure what that's all about.

A regular feature in numerous Chick Tracts is the addition of cute, funny animals, almost always the same dog and cat. Jack will draw them into numerous panels, perhaps as a bit of levity or maybe just to fill in some empty space. They appear in 13 panels in It's All About You, while recurring deity Ol' Faceless only cameos in two.

The entire approach of It's All About You seems off-message to me, starting with that title. Jack presents Hannah as obnoxiously self-absorbed, but he does not criticize her for it. Rather, he indulges it. Hannah doesn't have to give up her self-centredness to become Saved (yes, she does say "sorry I sin and am so selfish," but talk is cheap). Like Duke in The Sissy, she is not encouraged to be a better person.

In the end, it's not all about you at all - it's about getting Saved, just like any other tract. And while this tract has only a moderate amount of offensive content (5 panels, including the previously mentioned suicide bomber and a dig at lesbians on Page 3), it should prove to be very insulting to its target audience.

And yet, isn't this true of all tracts? They all tell you that you're a sinner, and that you deserve to burn forever. They have to make you believe this, so they can sell you the Good News of Salvation. The insult, or at least the unfavourable judgment, is essential to the delivery of the Message.

But that's neither here nor there. It's All About You is a standard, unremarkable Chick tract that attempts to make ancient scripture relevant to today. It might have had a chance if another young character had preached to Hannah instead of her grandpa. Instead, we get an old guy trying to tell a young person how to live her life. Get off of Satan's lawn, whippersnapper, and onto Jesus' sidewalk! If it's one thing we know about the youth of today, it's their willingness to respect their elders and hang on their every word.

Good luck with that, Jack. You'll have an easier time stealing their iPods.

It's All About You!
Likely to Convert - 3
Artwork - 8
Ability to Hold Interest - 7
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

The Sissy?

Here's Jack Chick at his absolute finest! If you are ever asked for an example of Chick's work (not very likely, but go with it),show them this one.

This is the story of Duke, a trucker who's tough as nails... nails that've been pounded through steel! After stopping bullets. Yeah. He rides with his best buddy Billy Joe. You don't learn Billy Joe's name until the very last panel because he's not in any way important. They pull in to a truck stop and see the words "Jesus Saves" on the back of an 18-wheeler. "Only a gutless idiot would have that up there!" says Duke, "...cuz Jesus was a sissy!" No sooner are the words out of his mouth when the driver of that rig turns up. He's a full head taller than Duke (he calls him 'little fella') and built like a tank. If Duke's as tough as bulletproof nails pounded through steel, this guy is the hammer! "How's about you boys joining me for supper?" the hammer asks, his plate-sized hands on their shoulders offering them very little choice in the matter.

Once in the truck stop with food ordered, the Jesus giant (who never gets a name) asks Duke why he thinks "Jesus was a sissy?" This leads to a ridiculous argument over who would win in a fight - a man with God's power, or "some dude." "That wouldn't be a fair fight," Duke points out. "It'd be like fighting the Bionic Man... only worse!" Who remembers The Six Million Dollar Man? Heck, even the remake of The Bionic Woman is old these days!

Jesus Giant gives the full Jesus story, complete with the warning that Duke is going to Hell. As he talks, their waitress (Martha) listens in. She isn't very important to the story either (but more important than Billy Joe), but she gets a name, too! Poor giant dude! Anyway, Duke isn't happy with the giant's assessment of his afterlife allotment. "You mean I should stop boozing, swearing and cheating on my old woman, and start going to church and lead the good life?" he asks. "Nope!" Giant replies, and he goes on to tell Duke that stuff "wouldn't do you any good" because he'd "still be goin' to hell!"

I pause the review here to look at that last interaction. Giant's response is strange, in that it completely divorces the notion of Salvation from doing (or being) good. He might have said, "that ain't enough to Save you, Duke," but he doesn't. Not what Chick intended, perhaps. Or is it? Tracts keep reminding us how our good works won't get us into Heaven, because the Bible says they are as filthy rags or somesuch. Chick seems to take that to its logical conclusion: one's actions and one's character don't matter to God, only whether or not one is Saved.

I'll leave the implications of that notion for another post.

Giant Jesus Truck Dude keeps the pressure on, making sure two important things remain in the forefront of Duke's mind: "He'll send (all sinners including Duke) to the Lake of Fire, and you called him a sissy!" Duke, Billy Joe and even Martha believe everything the Giant says, and all three get Saved. The tract ends with Duke back in his rig, saying "that Jesus had more guts than any man that ever lived." His truck even sports a brand new "Jesus Saves" bumper sticker.

The artwork in The Sissy? is some of Jack's best. The characters are perfectly realized, none more so than Duke. He's the meanest-looking bruiser you could imagine, and Jack's attention to detail is extraordinary when you consider he drew each hair on Duke's arms, knuckles, chest and back by hand. Plus, his visual transition from mean tough guy to worried sinner is flawless and credible. The others are also painstakingly detailed, but they don't stand out the way Duke does. Even the obligatory image of Christ on the cross is tame by comparison!

Duke is, of course, an avatar for the people Chick hopes this tract will reach. It's also a clear image of how he sees them; swarthy, sweaty gorillas who would just as soon punch his lights out as look at him. This could be you, Jack seems to be saying. You're tough, you probably think those Jesus people're a bunch of wimps, but if I was as big and strong as my giant dude here... Ah, nothing like a good ol' revenge fantasy!

The Sissy? is, like I said, some of Jack Chick's finest work. Entertaining, expertly drawn, and not completely implausible, this tract might just make a few people into Believers. The arguments the Jesus Giant puts forth are, on the surface, clever. They don’t actually prove anything, of course; all they do is set Duke up for the next stage in his conversion. Sure do make Jesus Giant look smart, though.

Was Jesus a sissy? Who cares? As long as there are still people out there debating this crucial theological issue, there will be a need for tracts like this one. Keep ‘em coming, Jack!

The Sissy?
Likely to Convert - 4
Artwork - 10
Ability to Hold Interest - 7
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

7 Last Words

A word before we begin: this one from Evangelical Tract Distributors purports to be about seven words, but it is really about seven full sentences. Each sentence is something Jesus is alleged to have said while on the cross, according to the Gospels of Matthew, Luke and John (but not Mark; maybe he had that day off).

So, seven last sentences, then. For a man suffering a truly horrible death, the Lord was quite chatty. Each sentence has extra meaning for us all, even if the tract author has to stretch things a bit to make the meaning work. "Woman, behold thy son..., behold thy mother." apparently means that Jesus "has His eye on the sparrow" which means he knows about "your smallest needs." Because it shows he cared about his mother. I think. Maybe she liked birds.

"I thirst." John 19:28 proves that he "was human as well as divine" and therefore "the suffering of His body" due to "the intense agony of thirst" was real.

"It is finished." John 19:30 means that it is finished. How about that?

I'd quote the other ones, but they are too long and I really don't care. Look them up yourself. I only care about whether or not this tract is convincing. After reading all seven statements that Jesus allegedly said while hanging on the cross, do I feel compelled to become a Christian? Or "is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by?"

In a word, no. The tract does not provide me with enough information. Or (say it with me) proof.

"Millions have since heard these Words," the tract says, "but have passed by in unbelief." Yep, just like I'm doing now. And I imagine I'm in very good company. Or sinful company. Whichever words you are comfortable with.

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Apt words to describe the authors of this tract, I would say!

7 Last Words
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Let's Fly Away!

This is a contemporary Chick Tract, delivering the message that the world is horrible and getting worse, but Jesus makes everything better. Half of it seems to be aimed at kids, but the other half deals with very grown up issues. Ultimately, God and Jesus are presented as an escape from the troubles of the current day and age.

The story (as much as there is one) starts with the closing of a broke company. "The new regulations killed our jobs!" the former boss tells former employee Greg. "It's happening all over." Greg returns home to his alcoholic wife Delores, who freaks at the news of his termination. "Factories everywhere are closing!" Greg tells her. "The whole country is in a mess." He tries to console her with the story of their next door neighbour Herb, who lost his job, his house, his wife and his kids, but who "says everything is..." And before we can learn what that is is, a gunshot sounds from the house next door. "Herb blew his brains out!" says a dude who seems way too happy about it. The other neighbours are just as creepy - one wants to see what's left of Herb's face, and others set out to loot his home. Wow, humanity sure does suck.

Having established the state of the world as he sees it, Jack Chick introduces Greg and Delores' daughter Julie. She's got great big staring-at-oncoming-headlights eyes, and an innocence bordering on stupidity. She makes friends with Karen, the daughter of the happy smiley couple who just moved in across the street. Karen wastes no time preaching to Julie, telling her that "in God's eyes you are a lying thief!" Liars and thieves "go to the other place!" Karen adds, and we assume she isn't talking about Disneyland. Having sufficiently terrorized Julie, Karen moves in for the Save. "Jesus is coming to get us," she tells her new convert. "He'll meet us in the clouds." The two happy girls jump up and down on Karen's bed, singing "We'll fly away!" Hence this tract's title.

With that, the kid-friendly portion of the tract ends. Julie tells her parents about Jesus, but finds them less than receptive. "We hate that name!" Greg tells her. "You need a nut doctor!" adds Dolores. It seems that while Julie was getting Saved, her parents were busy turning evil. Greg now sports tattoos of skulls, snakes, and Satan's face, and Dolores has become a drug dealer. The way non-Believers do.

The tract ends with Julie jumping on her own bed and singing at two in the morning. Greg has every right to be pissed at the "rotten brat," but his decision to "give her a beating she'll never forget" seems a little extreme. But when Greg barges into Julie's room to open his can of whup-ass, Julie is gone... leaving only her slippers behind! Lucky for her the Rapture happened just in time to save her, right? Although technically, if she had been Raptured, she'd have left behind her pajamas as well. Maybe she just hid under the bed.

Let's Fly Away! paints a very bleak picture of our world, where everyone is a right bastard and life completely sucks. In fact, the whole world is that angry father, coming to our room to beat us. If only we could escape...

And that's Jesus - a magical escape from all your troubles. And eternal damnation. Can't forget that.

"Those religious jerks have made you go crazy!" Dolores tells her converted daughter. "Never mention Jesus again!" says her dad. Is this really what Jack Chick thinks unBelievers are like? Apparently. The only people in the tract who aren't portrayed as pond scum are Karen, her mom, and Julie. If you're not Saved, you must be evil. If that's how Jack sees humanity, how can we take him seriously?

"The whole country is in a mess," Greg says, and maybe he's right. It will take a lot to fix it, and waiting for a miracle escape isn't going to help anybody.

Let's Fly Away!
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - ?

Changed Lives: Miracles of The Passion

Here’s an interesting find – a documentary about the effect Mel Gibson’s The Passion of The Christ has had on the world since its release in 2004. Changed Lives: The Miracles of The Passion plays like an overly-long making of featurette one might find on The Passion’s DVD, describing it as “an experience like no other” and bragging that it has touched/changed 80, 000, 000 lives.

Two things I’d like to point out before I go on. One, I have not yet seen The Passion of The Christ, so I have very few comments to make about it. Two, Changed Lives is not an official product for The Passion; it is as independent from Mel Gibson’s film as, well... as this review is from Changed Lives. So to speak. Indeed, Mel’s name is mentioned more times in this review than in the entire documentary.

The film, written and directed by Jody Eldred, is divided into several chapters, each dealing with a specific story. Julie Moran hosts, introducing each story with cheerfulness mixed with awe. The stories themselves are told mostly through interviews with the people in question, and various religious experts toss their two cents in between chapters.

And then there’s the night vision stuff. As each chapter ends, we see footage of people in a cinema watching The Passion. Closeup shots reveal audience members crying and looking away, no doubt overcome by the movie’s power. I suppose these bits are meant to show the exact moment when lives are being changed.

The stories range from charming to nutty: a man who murdered his girlfriend and got away with it, only to turn himself in after seeing The Passion; the two brothers who broke a man’s jaw because he’d fired their mom, only to reconcile, hug and forgive after seeing the film; the atheist who did drugs who was affected “beyond comprehension” after seeing the movie with his girlfriend; a self-described God Hater who screened The Passion for his daughter and wondered “what if this is real?”; and a woman with lung cancer who saw it and became completely cured.

Most wacky is the story of Jan “Lightning Boy” Michelini, a production assistant on The Passion whose story “is an amazing tale of God’s hand of protection.” He was struck by lightning twice while on set, the second time sharing the bolt with star Jim Caviezel. Call me cynical, but I’d only consider it a sign of God’s protection if the lightning had missed him. Doesn’t say much about the safety standards on the set, either. Still, the guy survived unscathed, and was the reason two of the actors decided to convert. That’s something, I guess.

“We can’t get away from the fact that this is not fiction, not made up,” says Author Lee Strobel (The Case For Faith) about The Passion. “It is reflective of what the Gospels tell us actually occurred. I think that’s where a lot of its power comes from.”

“People are seeing depicted truth,” says Pastor Jack Hayford. The Truth “unsheathed, like a sword,” that is “historically reliable, spiritually dynamic.” I suspect the purpose of having these two in the film is to reinforce the idea that The Passion (and the Gospels it is based on) is verifiably true without actually verifying it. One is an author, the other a priest – if they say it is “depicted truth” it must be true!

The strangest and most disturbing of the stories is the one they show first. A Colorado couple named Mike and Krista left their baby in the bath unsupervised for four minutes, and she drowned. Luckily she made a miraculous recovery. That’s the good part.

The strange and disturbing part comes before that. Mike administered CPR, even though he admits he had no training – it was just part of the miracle. “I realized right away that this was an attack of Satan,” he says. So how did Mike defeat the evil Satan and save his baby? Other than performing a first aid technique he didn’t actually know how to do? And just what does this story have to do with The Passion of The Christ, anyway?

It seems Mike and Krista had seen The Passion not too long before this incident, and as they prayed over their daughter they visualized the scene where Jesus is flogged by a Roman soldier. ‘By his stripes are yea healed,’ the Bible says; basically, they figured Jesus would save their kid if they pictured Him having the flesh torn from his back.

And apparently that worked. The doctor who checked the baby afterward was ‘baffled’ that she was so perfect after such a trauma. “It’s the work of God. There’s no doubt about that,” Mike’s dad says. Maybe so. I personally believe they were very lucky. The alternative is to believe that an evil force, not parental negligence, put the baby in danger, and the only way to combat that evil was to bring to mind the most violent scene from a movie about their deity’s death. That, to me, is wrong and sick on so many levels.

“We know for a fact this is historic reality,” Lee Strobel says, “and that what we see played out in front of us is something that actually took place in history.” If you believe that statement, then this film (and, presumably, The Passion) is for you. If you do not, Changing Lives will seem silly. Or crazy. No attempt is made to speak to the unsaved; if you are watching, you are assumed to be the choir to whom they are preaching.

“The stories you’ve just seen are all true,” Host Julie Moran tells us, “but more importantly, they are stories of truth.” Perhaps so, Julie. And I do believe all the interviewees are sincere in the telling of their stories. After all, some of the details do not paint them in the best light. However, I refuse to believe one can resurrect drowned babies or cure lung cancer by watching The Passion of The Christ, even if it is “based on an historic event that can transform a human being’s eternal destiny.” It makes me wonder about the stories we haven’t been told, where The Passion failed to deliver.

A lot of Belief can be a dangerous thing.

Changed Lives: Miracles of The Passion
Likely To Convert - 1
Production Values - 5
Acting/Direction - 4
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 6
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content – 5

Meteor Apocalypse

Are you ready for another blockbuster from Faith Films? The guys who brought you 2012 Doomsday and Sunday School Musical? Well, this one, Meteor Apocalypse, makes those other two look good.

Nah, I’m kidding. Nothing could possibly make 2012 Doomsday look good. Meteor Apocalypse is slightly better, but not as good as SSM. Which is like saying taking a dump is better than explosive diarrhea, but not as good as having a wizz.

But enough of that crap. Meteor Apocalypse, billed as an End Times thriller, is about the trouble that ensues when a comet threatening the Earth is blasted to fragments by the US government, only for those fragments to rain down on the planet.

David (Joe Lando, from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman) is some sort of emergency response person. His wife Kate (Babylon 5’s Claudia Christian, who gets top billing in spite of only being in the film for less than ten minutes) and daughter Alison (Madison McLaughlin) wish he’d spend more time with them. “Why did you bother switching to days when you’re on call seven nights a week?” Kate asks as David is called in to help deal with the meteor crisis. “It’s my Job, Kate,” he replies. “What d’you want me to do?” Having established the required amount of family drama, David rushes off to do his stuff. If only something would happen to make him realize how precious his family really is.

The first meteor poisons the water supply, and people start getting sick. David confers with his sick friend Mark, who dies just after giving him some medicine that will slow down the poisoned water’s effects. Then a random meteor shower destroys the building, but David escapes with the meds just in the nick of time.

Mark’s pal Sam in Las Vegas is working on a cure – he tells David this, and apparently no one else. The government moves in and starts quarantining the sick people, including Dave’s daughter Alison. He arrives home just in time to watch helplessly Alison and Kate are hauled away by army goons. David himself escapes, only to waste time wandering in the wilderness. Why he didn’t simply get back in his car (which was available) or the car of one of the goon-abducted sickies (also available) is a question best left for film critics.

On his way to Las Vegas to help Sam make a cure, David meets a sick woman named Lynn (Cooper Harris). She also has drama (ex boyfriend, ex job, ex dog), but it fails to make her interesting. Lynn’s function in the film is to look sickly, and it uses up the entirety of Cooper’s acting talent.

David and Lynn find a jeep and continue on toward Vegas, until another random meteor shower destroys it. Over the course of the film, David faces five random meteor showers, but emerges from each unscathed. Somebody up there must like him.

Meanwhile, Random Government People are hard at work. There are always two types of RGPs in movies like this: the ones working to solve the current crisis, and the ones who get in their way for no good reason. Both groups provide much-needed exposition.

David and Lynn reach Sam just in time to save him from some guy with a gun. They put their heads together (David and Sam, not Lynn or the gun guy) and quickly concoct an antidote to the poisoned water. And not a moment too soon! More gun guys turn up to make things difficult, but David and Lynn escape with the help of some FBI agents. Things look promising for our heroes until a bunch of bikers turn up and kill the FBI guys, only to be scared away by random meteor shower #3. One of the FBI agents lives long enough to tell them (David & Lynn, not the bikers) that a giant comet is heading for L.A. Which is where the quarantined people are! Including Kate and Alison! David rushes off for L.A., and Lynn comes with him because her character has nothing better to do.

At no point does it occur to either David or Lynn to turn their antidote over to the authorities. David’s mission is surprisingly single-minded for a Christian movie – he’s taking the cure to his daughter, and everyone else can fend for themselves. In this way, Meteor Apocalypse is very similar to Sunday School Musical – no consequences are shown for bad behavior. David does use half his supply of antidote to save a little girl, but that hardly counts; David wasn’t even sure it would work. He basically used the girl as a guinea pig to make sure the cure could help his daughter.

And, like Sunday School Musical, there is very little to suggest that this is in fact a Christian movie. David’s wife Kate asks him early on if he’ll come to church with her that weekend, and David and Lynn take shelter in a church in L.A. In that church, a priest named Pastor King (Celestial) talks to David about faith; she is the only one to mention the name of Jesus in the entire movie. It doesn’t do her any good; she and her church are wiped out by random meteor shower #4.

Back in Washington, the RGPs’ bureaucratic exposition continues. Most are in favour of saving those quarantined in L.A. However, a bearded RGP is of the opinion the sickies should be left to their fate to avoid a jurisdictional misstep. “You’re sentencing them all to death!” a good RGP cries. “If I could wave a magic wand I would!” the bearded one retorts. Clearly he’s a villain – he’s in favour of using magic! The good RGPs do manage to evacuate some of the people in L.A. before the comet arrives, destroying the city in the cheapest and most pathetic CGI I’ve ever seen.

Before that half-assed apocalypse, however, David and Lynn escape L.A. and track down the evacuated quarantined people in the mountains. Lynn tries to kiss David, but he refuses. This seems a fairly insignificant moment in the film, but according to the Bible Study questions in the disc’s special features, this is the moment when David is faced with Temptation (other questions deal with the film’s supposed Biblical accuracy). That he doesn’t give in to Adultery proves he is an upstanding Christian guy. When Lynn succumbs to her sickness shortly after, and refuses the cure so that David can keep what’s left for his daughter, she is seen to have redeemed herself for her attempted defilement of David’s marriage.

Basically, Lynn is a helpless female in need of rescuing, who becomes a Temptress for five seconds. If her entire purpose was to be a temptation for David, why did they wait for the very end of the movie? If they are trying to teach viewers about the sin of adultery, they have failed miserably.

After Lynn’s death, David is menaced by one last meteor shower before finding Kate, curing his daughter and getting rescued by a chopper. So the hell what? Joe Lando is a serviceable leading man, but the script from Brian Brinkman and director Micho Rutare (who also co-wrote Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus) doesn’t give him much to work with. This is Rutare’s second motion picture as director, and like SSM it was shot in 12 days. Faith Films, it would seem, is too cheap to go over that pitifully short schedule. I’m not sure that an extra few days would have made much difference, though. More love seems to have gone into the making of featurette; it’s the only time that Cooper Harris displays any kind of energy. Honestly, why couldn’t one of those random meteor showers have hit during pre-production and saved the world from this godly mess?

Meteor Apocalypse
Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 4
Acting/Direction - 3
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 2

Here Comes The Judge!

By now, readers of this blog will have a good idea about what to expect from that banana pudding mixture of Christian fundamentalism and overblown paranoia that is Jack T. Chick. Demons luck everywhere, trying to lead you astray. Your intelligent-sounding best friend might be the Devil in a rubber mask. Reject the Word of God, and death and Hell are only seconds away!

This overly-plotted story, however, is a right turn onto left field. It isn't until halfway through the story that a point begins to emerge.

Chick introduces us to Judge Shelton Barnstead, who "gave to charity and was loved by all," but who apparently "had a dark side that very few knew about." Having introduced his titular character, Chick proceeds to ignore Judge Barnstead for a full eight panels. Those panels tell the story of a mother, Kim Keefer, who returns home with her two kids to see a man killing her husband Kyle. It seems Kyle Keefer was a P.I., who had been investigating the Governor and had gathered photographic evidence against him. The murderer, Lance, escapes with the photos and reports to the Judge. "You messed up big time, stupid!" Judge Barnsy admonishes Lance for being caught in the act, and orders him to "bring me the photos right now!"

Judge Barney gets the photos, but Lance gets himself arrested. In response, the Police Chief plants "a stash of illegal drugs" in Kim's home, then has her arrested for her husband's murder. Kim appears before Judge Barnstead, who gives her 50 years (40 for her crimes, and 10 for calling him a "devil").

All clear so far? The Governor did something bad, Kyle took pictures of him doing it, and the Governor used his extensive list of henchmen and cronies (Judge B, the Police Chief, Lance) to cover his ass. The Governor's next move is to have Judge Barnsy taken care of, and one exploding cafe later the not-so-good judge finds himself in hospital.

And it is here, finally, that the plot... not thickens, exactly, but becomes slightly less runny. Conrad, Judge Barnstead's well-groomed but big-nosed house servant, pays his employer a visit in intensive care. Even though Barnsy treated him "like trash since day one," Conrad feels compelled to tell him "about the awesome Judge you must face after death." Barnsy is unable to speak, having been wrapped up mummy-style, but his fearsome eyebrows make his feelings plain.

Conrad preaches about Jesus, then he goes on to tell his boss about the End Times as well. It's as if Chick stuffed the first half of his tract with his complicated plot, then needed some extra material to fill a few more panels. "So what's your decision, sir?" Conrad asks, and he actually hands the judge a card with Yes and No tic boxes on it! Chick gets in a decent joke here - instead of ticking Yes or No, Judge Barnstead writes "You're fired" on the card. Conrad, and Jesus, take that as a solid No, and anyone who rejects Christ in a Chick tract is doomed to an immediate death. Two panels later a bearded, eyepatch-wearing henchman finishes Barnsy off; his soul "was carried away" and "his muffled screams went unheard." The context suggests the screams took place after his soul's departure; maybe Chick was referring to the judge's agonized cries from Hell. The picture of him burning in flames is small by Chick's usual standard, although his eyebrows aren't nearly so terrifying any more.

Oh, and apparently Judge Barnsy didn't go to Hell for his part in the whole murder/theft/conspiracy deal with the Governor. Chick identifies his sins as that of "stubbornness and pride." Readers are then warned, "Don't make the same mistake!" So it's okay to kill someone and take their stuff, blow up cafes, manipulate the law, plant evidence, send innocent people to jail, and whatever the heck it was the Governor was caught doing in the first place... all that stuff is just fine with the Lord as long as you aren't prideful and stubborn? And how was Judge Barnstead prideful and stubborn, exactly? For rejecting Jesus? How do we know he didn't reject Jesus because he thought his house servant Conrad had gone to the nutty store to buy a pair of crazypants?

Jack T. Chick's tracts are usually obvious to the point of being insulting. Here Comes The Judge is so full of plot that the message is hopelessly lost. You blew this one, Jack. That's my verdict.

Here Comes The Judge
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - ?

Glorious Appearing: The End of Days

This is it, the final volume in the Left Behind series! Except, of course, for the three prequel novels. And the novelizations of the Gospels. Oh, and the final, final novel set 1,000 years after the events of this one.

Right.

Okay then, how about this - at the time of its publication, Glorious Appearing was meant to be the concluding chapter in the AntiChrist vs. Tribulation Force story. The Seven Year Tribulation - and its accompanying curses, plagues, disasters, soul harvests, improbable human-headed scorpion locusts, and other assorted trumpet and bowl judgments – comes to an end, and we finally witness the Second Coming of the Son of Man of the Hour, Jesus the Christ.

And boy oh boy, does the Prince of Peace ever let them sinners have it! Jesus quotes the Bible at them, and His Voice acts like a death ray:

“And with those very first words, tens of thousands of Unity Army soldiers fell dead, simply dropping where they stood, their bodies ripped open, blood pooling in great masses.”

“With every word, more and more enemies of God dropped dead, torn to pieces.”

“Rayford watched through binocs as men and women soldiers and horses seemed to explode where they stood. It was as if the very words of the Lord had superheated their blood, causing it to burst through their veins and skin.”

“…and writhed as they were invisibly sliced asunder. Their innards and entrails gushed to the desert floor… their blood pooling and rising in the unforgiving brightness of the glory of Christ.”

And it actually gets worse from there. Jesus leads no less than four separate campaigns against the AntiChrist’s army, one after the other, before finally chucking AntiChrist Nicholae Carpathia and his False Prophet sidekick Leon Fortunato into Hell. Why, you might ask, does the King of Kings and Lord of Lords (which is actually written on his robe! For real!) need to go to all that trouble? Couldn’t HE just, I don’t know, blow them all up and be done with it?

No, HE can’t. That’s not what the Bible says. Or, at least, that’s not what authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins say that the Bible says. They say that the Bible says that Jesus fights four battles with the AntiChrist’s army, so HE has to fight all four battles. Wouldn’t want to contradict Biblical prophecy, now would you?

And that is one of the main problems with this book, and indeed the entire series; every Biblical I is dotted, every Gospel T crossed (see what I did there?). If it’s in the Bible it has to be accounted for, no matter how small or silly or detrimental to the plot.

For example, in the middle of Jesus’ slaughter of Nicky’s troops, there is a storm of giant hailstones. As if the poor guys didn’t have enough to worry about, what with the whole getting annihilated by GOD HIMSELF. These great chunks of ice crush several more unbelievers and then melt, and Nicholae’s humvee gets stuck in the ensuing flood. Leon Fortunato has to get out and push, a situation that becomes fraught with comical hijinks.

Comical hijinks? Seriously?!?

Yes, seriously. The AntiChrist and the False Prophet are played largely for laughs in this book, most of it due to Leon’s clumsiness and Nicholae’s cowardice. Are these two really the same guys who kept the world in a state of terror for seven years and eleven previous volumes? For the reader, this is less than satisfying.

But that isn't nearly as bad as the hand that’s dealt to our plucky Trib Force heroes. Things start off interestingly enough – we witness the death of Buck Williams, and the scenes involving the search for the wounded Rayford Steele contain genuine tension and pathos. The others wait at Petra for the AntiChrist’s imminent attack…

…but the moment Jesus appears in the sky, all of them become useless. They follow Jesus and the AntiChrist and watch the remaining prophecies unfold, allowing readers to witness those events through their eyes... and that's it. None of the characters that readers have journeyed with up until that point have any kind of important role, any plot-resolving function, any longer.

So, having usurped the role of Main Character for HIMSELF, what does Jesus the Christ do with it? He obliterates his enemies in his infinite mercy – we’ve covered that. Otherwise, he has two roles to play, which I’ll call Nice Jesus and Mean Jesus. Nice Jesus gives comfort to his flock, speaking to and hugging each of them, assuring them they have done well. Mean Jesus divides the entire population of the planet into Saved and UnSaved, and sends all the UnSaved people to Hell. It’s hard to believe they are the same deity.

The Trib Force characters don’t care. They’re delighted when their Lord adds their names to a bit of Scripture-quoting, and all of them have a Wayne’s World-esque “we’re not worthy” moment. They happily (and passively) sit back and watch the Lord do his stuff.

The last quarter of the novel is like an Academy Awards Ceremony for the faithful, with Old and New Testament guys like Moses and Paul getting their pats on the back for jobs well done. We are told that Rayford et al suffer no weariness or boredom during the event. The same cannot be said for this reader!

I’d like to point out here that the book The Paperback Apocalypse: How the Christian Church was Left Behind by Robert M. Price does a far better job of critiquing Glorious Appearing, and the rest of the Left Behind books, than I ever could. If you like my reviews, do pick this book up, you won’t be sorry. I won’t go into detail about most of the points Price raised, because I didn’t think of them before reading his book. I am trying to limit my reviews to my own impressions, and I won’t go and pass his thoughts off as my own.

I will, however, discuss one of his excellent observations: Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins don’t present Jesus as being all that different from Nicholae Carpathia. Both demand worship and loyalty, both make grandiose claims about themselves, both punish those who fail to obey them, and both plan to rule the world - in Jesus’ case, with an iron rod: Revelation 12:5 ‘She bore a male Child who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron.’
“That rod of iron sounds like He’s going to take no baloney from anybody, doesn’t it?” says a character too unimportant to be worth naming. I find the similarities between Nicky and J.C. both hilarious and disturbing, and I wouldn’t want either of them to get their hands on my eternal soul.

Neither, I suspect, would any secular reader. Then again, if a non-believer has been willing to read all the way to book 12, I have to concede their conversion is a possibility, if not a very big one.

Glorious Appearing is billed as 'The Final Chapter of Those Left Behind', but it shouldn’t have been. The battle of Armageddon in the previous volume would have made a more exciting climax, with Jesus’ return relegated to the final few chapters. If LaHaye and Jenkins had been willing to condense things a bit and leave one or two details out, they might have achieved a much stronger and more interesting conclusion to their series. Just because you have enough prophetic material to fill an entire 400 pages doesn’t mean you should.

Who would have thought the Second Coming would be so boring?

Glorious Appearing: The End of Days
Likely to Convert - 1
Cover Art - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 5
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 8

The Most Important 2 Minutes of Your Life

This tract actually has a dash of humility. On the cover, the words "Reading this pamplet could be..." immediately precede the title, which is itself followed by, "Try it, and see..."

Do you know what that means? The tract authors at Evangelical Tract Distributors can't spell the word 'pamphlet'! But more importantly, it means the authors are allowing for a certain amount of uncertainty. They haven't said that a reading of their 'pamplet' most definitely WILL be your life's most important couple of minutes. No, they hedge their bets and merely suggest that it "could be." That suggests that readers might read the tract and decide it was a waste of time, and the authors actually accept that possibility! Bravo to them, I say.

Unfortunately, the rest of the tract is not so humble. "You have a vital need!" we are told, and "the proof is in your heart!" These sentences and others like them are accompanied by lines of scripture, presumably to give their ideas some Biblical weight. By now, readers of this blog will know what the rest of the tract says - you're a sinner who will go to Hell unless you get Saved. Need I mention this tract provides no factual evidence to back up the Bible quotes? Didn't think so.

Reading this tract did not occupy the most important two minutes of my life. Reviewing it was a little better, but not by much.

The Most Important 2 Minutes of Your Life
Likely to Convert - 7
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

How To Survive on the Inside

This is a rare find. Published by ATS, this tract is written specifically for people in prison. Not sure how a copy ended up on the subway where I found it. Maybe Jesus helped some guy to escape.

The tract, a seven-page thing with photos of miserable-looking young 'criminals' (a white guy on the cover, and a black guy and a Latino girl on the inside),goes to a fair amount of detail while steering well clear of any facts. We are first presented with seven questions, including: "Did you know that God knows how you ended up here and He loves you anyway?" "Did you know that God sees past your cell and straight into your heart?"

The seven questions are followed by eight detailed steps, not including the three steps to getting Saved at the end. All eight steps provide guidance on how to be a good Christian prisoner. The tract assumes readers not only want to be Christians, but that they want "to spread His message" to their fellow inmates, too.

And, the tract assumes its readers repent. It's a safe enough assumption. The kind of criminal who enjoys sinning probably isn't interested in tracts. Which limits the audience even further.

That small audience, however, will likely find How To Survive On the Inside very useful and comforting. I myself am comforted by the absence of Hell and Satan in this tract, and there's nothing worth getting offended about, either. Of course, a little fire and brimstone often makes these things more entertaining to read.

"If you are a Christian," the tract tells us, "God doesn't see your guilt." Too bad everybody else does. Still, it's a nice sentiment to hold on to.

How To Survive On the Inside
Likely to Convert - 7
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

The Assignment

Jack Chick's The Assignment portrays the world as a spiritual battleground between the forces of God and Satan. The prize? Our souls. If this tract is to be believed, angels are constantly trying to convert the Lost, while demons scheme to keep the Word of God from them.

And how do these invisible forces achieve their goals? Easy. They use us. Like tools.

The story starts in Heaven, where a crack team of angel commandos have assembled to Save the soon-to-be-deceased Charles Bishop. They only have a couple of weeks before he'll have "a massive coronary," and they must get him right with the Lord "before his departure." That's right, his "departure." Like the guy's going on holiday.

The angels have two human resources to call upon: Charles' co-worker Tim (stop using my name, Jack!); and Charles' daughter's friend Cathy. Tim is "very weak in the word," but Cathy is devout. "I think we can use her!"

Meanwhile in Hell, a similar crack team of demon commandos have an identical meeting. Their mission? Keep Tim and Cathy away from Charles.

The angels try to shame Tim into preaching, but the demons go to work on Tim's wife Ethel. They convince her that Tim will lose his job and their home if he preaches, so she freaks on him and puts him off the idea. Round one goes to the demons.

I should point out that while people can hear the angels and demons, they can't see them, and they certainly aren't aware of their presence. They hear their voices in their minds, and think the angel/demon ideas are their own. This has disturbing implications; no doubt Jack wants his readers to think they are constantly surrounded by demons, whispering evil suggestions in their ears. The angels are depicted doing the same thing, however, and it is even more disturbing.

Let me illustrate why. The next part of the story shows the demons' attempt to deal with Cathy. Knowing that she is "Faithful," and therefore "very dangerous," they try to distract her with a hot dude named Buz. He lays on the charm, but when a guy trips and bumps into him, Buz's true colours emerge. He threatens the guy with violence, and Cathy sees him for who he truly is. A win for the angels? It would seem so. After all, the reason the guy tripped and fell into Buz was because an angel stuck out his foot and tripped him!

What's wrong with that? First, it calls into question exactly what angel and demon powers are. If angels can physically interfere with people, why don't they do it all the time? Why didn't the angel punch Buz out before he met Cathy? Or better yet, why didn't he take the innocent guy's place? If Buz had become violent, the poor guy would have paid a hefty price for the angel's cause. Are the angels really okay with putting someone in harm's way to achieve their ends?

I realize I'm making a big deal out of a couple of tract panels in what is a fairly minor part of the story. I just think it is telling that angels are depicted using immoral (or at least questionable) actions to get the outcome they want. Aren't they supposed to be holy and good?

And that's not the only time they do it. On the day before Charles Bishop's "departure," both the angels and demons get busy. The demons send an insurance salesman to keep Bishop occupied. The angels work to get Charles Bishop alone with Cathy and her Bible. To do so, one angel sends Cathy over to the Bishop's house while another sends Charles' daughter Sandy upstairs "to wash her hair." The demons are evil for manipulating an insurance agent, but the angels are somehow not evil for using the same tactics with Sandy and Cathy.

Charles invites Cathy in, notices she has a Bible, and insists that she "tell me about it." Cathy reads him the best bits, and Charles realizes he is a sinner bound for Hell unless he becomes a Christian. The angels win...

...or do they? Charles realizes that "this is what I need," but he decides to "wait a few years - there's plenty of time!" Naturally, since this is a Chick tract, he dies of that massive coronary in the very next panel. It's a common theme in Jack's work; don't put off conversion, because you could be "lost for all eternity" at any time.

Jack Chick manages to convey the battle for human souls that he believes is taking place all around us, all the time. In presenting that world, however, Jack reveals more about his god than he realizes. His deity has no problem with this situation HE has created, wherein souls are constantly in jeopardy. That, and the way the angels use humans like puppets, sends the message that life is just a game - whichever side scores the most souls before Judgment Day wins! And we're to look to this god and his angels for morality? At least with the demons, you know where you stand.

The disturbing nature of The Assignment doesn't completely cancel out its entertainment value, however. The art is some of Chick's best, and some of his gags are genuinely amusing. Even more amusing are the unintentional laughs I enjoyed in the scene between Charles and Cathy. As the devout teen reads the Bible to him, Charles tries to encourage her with dialogue that, if taken on its own, suggests something entirely different is going on: "Don't stop, Cathy!" "Go on, Cathy, you're getting through!" Of course, to see that humour, you have to be immature like me.

The Assignment is entertaining, and I'll grudgingly admit it could convert a few souls with its convert-now-don't-wait message of fear. It might also have an impact on those who, like Tim, are "very weak in the word." Tim is shamed for not witnessing; Jack no doubt hopes lukewarm Christian readers will feel the same.

Fear and shame. The best emotions to invoke when speaking of a god of infinite love. Is it possible to talk about such a deity without resorting to scare tactics?

Now there's an assignment for you, Jack Chick!

The Assignment
Likely to Convert - 4
Artwork - 9
Ability to Hold Interest - 7
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 6

Left Behind II: Tribulation Force

Back in March of 2012, Kirk Cameron returned from irrelevance to denounce the gay lifestyle as being 'detrimental to civilization' or some such rubbish. And, he claims he spoke those words out of love! That whacky guy. You never know which foot he's going to stick in his mouth next.

Just after he made those comments, I decided the time was right to look at some of his past work on God's behalf. I'd already reviewed Left Behind: The Movie, so I moved on to the blockbusting direct-to-video sequel, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force.

And then I deleted my review. It was loaded with images that may or may not have been copyrighted, and I was taking no chances. I liked my review, though, and I plan to get around to the third movie, Left Behind: World At War, at some point, so here it is once more.

Based on the second novel in Tim Lahaye/Jerry B. Jenkins Left Behind series, T-Force brings us back to the days following the Rapture. One week has passed since the events of the first movie; plucky reporter Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron) provides necessary exposition in the form of a news broadcast, bringing the audience back up to speed.

Things have been going really well for Nicholae Carpathia(Gordon Currie), otherwise known as the Antichrist; he's become the Secretary General of the United Nations. The rest of the UN want to make him the leader of the world - they practically beg him to do it! They also want a one-world currency, all according to Nicky's plans.

And according to prophecy; all this stuff is in the Bible, after all, which leaves the newly-formed Tribulation Force (Buck, Pastor Bruce Barns(Clarence Gilyard), Ray & Chloe Steele) in a bit of a quandary. "We can't change the events of the Bible," Bruce says when Chloe asks how they can stop Nicky-boy. When she asks what they can do, Bruce replies: "Fight him." Isn't that like trying to stop him...?

The plot involves two important tidbits: 1, the Wailing Wall has been "shut down" due to the mysterious deaths of three men; and 2, Rabbi Tsion Ben-Judah is going to go on global television (GNN) to unveil 'the single biggest piece of news in history." Bruce Barns says the deaths at the Wall might have been due to the Two Witnesses, prophesied to come from Heaven during the Last Days to Preach the Word and shoot "fire from Heaven" at people they don't like. Buck decides to go to Jerusalem to confirm the presence of the Witnesses, because apparently Bruce's word and the Bible's Word isn't good enough. This does not sit well with Chloe(Janaya Stephens), whom the screenwriters have chosen to portray as a bratty teen (even though she's in her 20s). When she asks why someone else can't go instead, Buck replies, "Because I don't trust anybody else to stick to our mission." He appears blissfully unaware that he has just insulted everyone in the room. Not to worry; they didn't notice the put-down, either.

Further plans are drawn up, and Chloe pouts for all she's worth. Bruce thinks that Ray Steele(Brad Johnson) should go for the job of pilot for Carpathia. Ray disagrees strenuously; "We're talking about the AntiChrist here!" he says with a straight face. "We need the information to save souls, Ray!" Bruce replies with an even straighter face. Ray is forced to admit he's been out-faced, so he agrees.

In spite of the immediacy of these plans, the script calls for some filler to throw off the pace. Bruce leads a church service to explain the Rapture and save souls. One guy rolls his eyes and asks, "So what's gonna happen?" That guy was played by none other than The Daily Show's Jason Jones! This unexpected cameo was, for me, the most exciting moment in the film.

The second and much longer bit of filler involves Chloe, Buck, and a misunderstanding so contrived that even an 80s sitcom wouldn't touch it. Chloe, who has the hots for Bucky, goes to Buck's place and finds his assistant Ivy Gold(Krista Bridges) there instead. Ivy has an engagement ring on her finger, and Chloe jumps feet-first into the wrong conclusion. Being the grown up that she is, Chloe gives Buck the silent treatment and hangs up on him when he calls. It's not until Ray tricks her into talking to Buck that she realizes she put two and two together and got moron. Seriously, what does Buck see in her? And why does this movie waste so much time on this bit of dumbassery?

Screenwriters' Paul Lalonde and John Patus must have realized they couldn't do anything better with Chloe's character, either. When they finally get back to the plot, Chloe gets left behind (pun intended).

Speaking of that plot, Ray becomes Nick's pilot and Buck strikes a deal with His Nickyness to be his media guy. Ray goes to his ex-flirt Hattie Durham (Chelsea Noble) and convinces her to get him the job. It's not an easy sell - she's still mad about the affair they didn't have, and concerned about his status as a 'Bible thumper.' Ray lies his ass off, and manages to win her over.

This scene is, incidentally, Chelsea's only real appearance in the movie (apart from a couple of shots of her standing behind Nicholae). And yet, she gets top billing. And, in the making of featurette in the DVD's extras, she says she did the film because of the "great script."

Buck's meeting with Nick Carpathia is a lot less interesting. Paul and John don't write it so much as order up dialogue from a random clichee generator. Nicky wants Buck to be his media guy "because people trust you." Buck actually says, "And if I refuse?" Nick chuckles good-naturedly and says, "I don't think you can." There's a similar scene between Ray and Nicky, and it is no less painful.

The third act finally arrives, and we are off to the Toronto location that looks like Israel. Ray and Buck discover that Rabbi Ben-Juda will announce that Nicholae Carpeltunnel is the Messiah of prophecy. And Buck is going to broadcast that message to the world! Oh no! Ben-Juda, Buck and Ray figure, must be under the AntiChrist's mind-mojo, and needs to be set straight. Buck convinces the brainwashed rabbi to visit the Two Witnesses so that he can "discredit them." Of course, Buck is really hoping the Two Witnesses will convince Ben-Juda that the Messiah is Jesus.

In other words, Buck achieves his goal by lying. Just like Ray did to get his pilot job. And yet, in another scene Kirk Cameron drops character and tries to convince a guy named Chris that he hasn't been living up to God's standard: 'Have you ever told a lie? So what does that make you? That's right, a liar!' Why is it not okay for the unSaved Chris to have told even one lie, yet Buck and Ray can lie all they want to further their agenda? What a mixed message!

There are so many things wrong with this film, I'm almost not sure where to start. The dialogue, first and foremost, is just as bad as the first movie's. I want to say that the acting is terrible, but remember these guys are keeping a straight face when saying clunkers like:
"I'm saying there is a God. There has to be. It's the only thing that makes sense."
"The oceans, the sunset, do you think this just happened by chance?"
"You need to put your faith and your trust in God. And you need to do it right now!"
"I think you're a wonderful guy, but I'm having a really hard time with this whole hanging-out-with-the-Devil thing."

Then we have the issue of Nicky's dialogue. The script assumes that, if Nicholae says something, it is evil. How could it not be? He's the goddamn AntiChrist! So, when Nick-O talks of forming a one-world religion based on "tolerance, harmony and peace" because "divided religions mean a divided world," viewers are meant to think he's being a real bastard. But is there anything fundamentally bad about a religion of peace and tolerance? "We cannot allow closed-minded religious fanaticism to divide the world any further," says the mind-controlled Ben-Judah. And I agree with him! But we are supposed to disagree with the above statements, simply because they come from Nicholae Carpathia. It makes me wonder what words they might put in his mouth in future installments. Kirk Cameron might insist, for instance, that the AntiChrist speak of the need for acceptance of the gay community due to their positive impact on humanity.

Left Behind II: Tribulation Force is a worthy follow-up to the original, but that's the nicest thing I can say about it. Flawed, uneven, badly scripted and poorly executed are just a few of the not-so-nice things. This movie is just another piece of Salvation propaganda; ironic, since its biggest audience is the already-Saved. Personally, I think this film stinks so badly, it might just be detrimental to civilization.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 5
Acting/Direction - 2
Likely To Be Sat Through - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 3
Awesomeness of Jason Jones - 11!

The Beast

Jack Chick loves to recycle his previous material, especially when it comes to the End Times. The Beast was published, according to the copyright notice, back in 1988, which very nearly makes it the tract that begat all of Chick's end-times stuff (including the hilarious Here He Comes! in 2003 and the stupid and offensive Where Did They Go? in 2007).

Very nearly, but not quite; there's The Only Hope, which predates The Beast by three years. I don’t have that one, though, so let’s stick with The Beast.

It starts with two pages depicting the Noah apocalypse, a time when “everything was totally evil” because mankind “had become so rotten.” Jack compares that epoch with today’s world(or, rather, what he thought today’s world was back in 1988), and declares that “today’s conditions are the same as it was in the days of Noah.” No, he’s not predicting bad weather. Jack uses another two pages to depict “life as it is today,” and sets both images in a bar. There’s a knife fight going on, a bunch of men groping women and talking adultery, there’s a gay couple in the corner, and the waitresses appear to be topless.

Wait! There’s more – a guy shouts about “an old nut” preaching outside, and suggests they all “go give him the business. Haw! Haw! Haw!” There is simply no other way for a person to laugh in a Chick tract.

Oh, and people praise Lucifer’s name, too. The way we all do in today’s world. Back in 1988.

So, we’ve seen Noah’s world (inclement, with a chance of Ark), and we’ve seen Jack’s paranoid delusion of the late eighties. What’s all this got to do with the Beast? Jack’s getting to that; be patient. First there are two pages depicting the Rapture, because one image of Christians flying up to Heaven just wouldn’t be enough. The Four Horsemen start riding, and the Beast finally takes centre stage.

The Beast is “a leader that the world will love,” and is also “Satan’s masterpiece.” He “stabilizes the world economy and pulls the religions of the world together.” Then he uses computers to “control every person on the globe” with his infamous 666 mark. That’s one busy beast!

The world continues its decline, becoming “one gigantic witches’ coven.” The people “will not repent,” so “God pours out his wrath on an unbelieving and rebellious world.” On one page Jack depicts this wrath, which includes the poisoning of water, a third of the sea turning to blood, men being “scorched with great heat,” and swarms of unconvincing bugs with crowns on their heads and nice hairdos.

Like I said, all that stuff takes up only one page. The Rapture, two pages. Not sure what to make of that. Plus, out of 22 panels, the Beast (or his name) only appears in four.

The Beast continues to screw around and the people still won’t repent, so God decides it is time to put his holy foot down. He interrupts the Battle of Armageddon and wipes everyone out, then He throws all the sinners into Hell a thousand years later. Why a thousand years later? It’s a Bible thing.

So there’s Jack Chick’s second (I think) End Time tract. Not a lot in there to convince a secular audience of its validity; The Beast seems to be targeted at the Saved. As Chick tracts go, this one isn’t bad; the art is nice, as always, and the paranoia is good for a laugh. It’s not as good as Flight 144, but tract enthusiasts like me could do a lot worse.

The Beast
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 9
Ability to Hold Interest - 8
Unintentional Hilarity - 8
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

The Unspeakable Gift

Here's a tract that could really have benefited from the work of a decent editor. Unnecessarily wordy and lacking narrative focus, The Unspeakable Gift is practically unreadable, too!

Published by Evangelical Tract Distributors and "Selected by A. C. P." - whatever that means - this tract makes the oft-repeated point that "Eternal Life" is a Gift. Apparently the Apostle Paul said "Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable Gift," which explains this tract's title. Nothing else does. I mean, one usually associates the word Unspeakable with something negative, doesn't one? Paul likely meant something positive, but will the average secular person on the street make that assumption when handed this unspeakable tract?

But the title, while off-putting, is hardly this tract's only problem. Run-on sentences abound, and the author lacks knowledge of basic punctuation. And did I mention narrative focus? Yes I did. The tract begins by talking about our "beclouded" minds, then tells of how the thief being crucified next to Jesus got himself Saved in the nick of time. He had no good works to his credit, you see, but was still "carried into paradise where Christ was" because "the righteousness of Christ was imputed to him."

And then, just after the Apostle Paul and his Unspeakable quote, the tract dives headfirst into a clumsy metaphor. Imagine "an unskilled man taking his crude colors and clumsy brush and trying to add to" a great work of art. "The idea is unthinkable." So why are people "doing it every day when they come to the question of their soul's salvation" by trying to add to God's Gift of Eternal Life?

Further salvation talk ensues, and the author trips over his/her own explanations. The tract also states that "The Cross of Christ our Lord" is "the central FACT of history." No, that "FACT" is not backed up with any evidence, but that's hardly a surprise.

Evangelical Tract Distributors, this little number is proof that good writing is every bit as important as scripture. If you want to impute your message into our minds without beclouding them, you'll need to do much better than this!

And no, I'm not going to end on a gag about this tract's unspeakableness, because that would be too easy. I'm above cheap jokes. Some of the time.

The Unspeakable Gift
Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 5
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

2012 Doomsday

When reviewing a movie like this one, I like to watch the DVD with a notebook in hand. That way, I can pause while I scribble notes and rewind to capture the more hilarious quotes. Such is not the case this time; I sat down to watch what looked to be a lame end-of-the-world thriller from The Asylum(Mega Piranha, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Transmorphers, Titanic II), only to discover it was in fact "a modern Christian epic in the tradition of The Omega Code" from The Asylum and Faith Films(Meteor Apocalypse, Sunday School Musical). I didn't make notes, so this review won't be quite as thorough and nit-picky as I like to be. I had to review it, though. Too good an opportunity to miss!

2012 Doomsday stars a group of unknowns as a bunch of half-dimensional characters in a mad rush to get to the pyramids at Chichen Itza before Doomsday. The year is 2012, when the Mayan long count calendar ends, and according to a bunch of prophecies (both Mayan and Christian) the Biblical End Times are upon us. If those characters don't get to Chichen Itza in time... well, that would be one of the plot problems right there.

You see, the Doomsday stuff (earthquakes, tsunamis, hail) are going to happen regardless of what any of them do. One character discovers the Earth's rotation is slowing down due to its alignment with the black hole in the centre of the galaxy, which will result in all manner of poorly animated CGI. The 'heroes' aren't going to stop anything by getting to the pyramid, and the consequences of their failure is never made clear.

All the characters (if you must know, the main ones are Susan, Sarah, Lloyd, Wakanna and Frank) have their own reasons for their pyramid race, ranging from good to lame to WTF. Frank found a crucifix in a Mayan archaeological dig, and a translated inscription reveals he must get it to Chichen Itza. Wakanna is about to give birth, and believes God wants her to have the baby in the pyramid. Susan and Sarah are sent by a feeling they can't explain, and Lloyd goes because Sarah is his daughter. Bad things happen to them along the way, and they all end up getting Faith.

2012 Doomsday is a terrible movie, with absolutely nothing with which to redeem itself. The writing is awful, in terms of dialogue, story points and logic. The actors sleepwalk through their parts, but one can't blame them; there is nothing remotely interesting about their characters. Their motivations are unclear, their interactions contrived, and character arcs range from predictable to non-existent.

Most scenes begin with text at the bottom of the screen, indicating how many hours remain until Doomsday. You'd expect that clock to tick steadily downwards, but it does not. Some scenes indicate only 8 hours remain, only to tell us 14 hours remain in the next scene. Was there a problem in the editing room, or is this just stupidity?

One scene that gave me a chuckle involved three characters in an SUV dodging hail in Mexico (just go with it). One hailstone smashes through the windshield and goes right through the driver's chest. Luckily he manages to say the Salvation prayer before he dies. And luckily for the other two, the hailstorm stops the moment their driver is hit. And, in spite of his massive chest wound, the driver still manages to park the SUV on the side of the road! The unintended laughs are a welcome relief, because they are few and very far between.

And the end? Is all revealed, giving sense to seemingly senseless story points? As a writer, I couldn't help but try to anticipate where the movie was going. Will the crucifix turn out to be magical, and getting it to the pyramid will save the world? No. Is the pregnant woman about to give birth to a Christ-like messiah? No. The resolution the film comes up with is too lame for words. We don't even get the big special-effects payoff that the box art suggests. Instead, the Doomsday sequence is poor, cheap, and over far too quickly.

Oh, and three-quarters of the way through the film, the Rapture happens. Blink and you'll miss it. If this is the best that Faith Films can produce, they'll likely face their own doomsday soon enough.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 0
Acting/Direction - 0
Likely To Be Sat Through - 1
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Left Behind: The Movie

And now the big one! Left Behind is that rarest of rare things - a Christian movie that almost went mainstream. It even made it to cinema screens! Wow! Good for them. Of course, it vanished from those same screens pretty quickly...

Produced by Cloud Ten Pictures, Left Behind is based on the bestselling novel of the same name. I've read the book, and can confirm the movie is... ahem, faithful. I can also confirm that the movie is a big stinking pile of crap from start to finish.

It's bigger in scale than Cloud Ten's other films (like Deceived), and has a much bigger budget (and production values). Clearly, they were pulling out all the proverbial stops on this one. If only they'd spent some of their budget on a decent script.

Left Behind tells the story of the Rapture, an alleged Biblically-predicted event that will herald the onset of the Last Days. Supposedly, all the faithful Christians will vanish from the planet, leaving the nonbelievers to face seven years of Tribulation under the rule of the AntiChrist.

The authors of the novel, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, asked a simple question: what if the Rapture happened in our time (or the near future)? The book, and now the film, looks at the events leading up to the Rapture, and how the world copes afterward. Not a bad premise for a story, but if you want to convince unbelievers you have to have good execution.

(Warning: Spoiler Alert...)

The story starts in the Middle East, with plucky reporter Buck Williams (yes, his name is Buck, you may now laugh) covering a special secret formula called Eden (keep laughing) that allows crops to grow in the desert. Eden's creator, Dr. Rosenzweig(Colin Fox), says he will only give the formula to those who will work to create peace for Israel. Peace doesn't come right away, because all of a sudden a million jet fighters descend upon the country in a surprise sneak attack. For some reason, the jets waste missiles firing at Buck(played by Left Behind II's Kirk Cameron) and Rosenzweig, who are really just a couple of guys in the desert. Are they really worth missiles that could be used on a military target? Probably not, but it does add a pinch of excitement. All the planes mysteriously explode over Israel, without Israel firing a shot. What, Buck wonders, was that all about?

Across the world, airline pilot Rayford Steele (yes, his name is Steele, you may laugh again) prepares to leave for work, even though he will miss his son Tom's birthday party. He does this to avoid his wife, who has gone all Christian on him. His daughter Chloe (Left Behind II's Janaya Stephens) asks why he won't at least pretend to take an interest in Mom's preaching the way she does, but Ray (Left Behind II's Brad Johnson) doesn't want to deal with that God stuff. Guess he's not gettin' raptured. Dialogue between sister and brother Steele also reveals who is rapture-ready: Chloe - "You always do as you're told?" Tom - "Yeah. You should try it sometime."

Meanwhile, in a sinister English castle that looks a lot like Casa Loma, two banker dudes and their buddy Nicolae Carpathia(Left Behind II's Gordon Currie) scheme and plot. It seems the banker dudes have set up Nicky Carpathia to take over as head of the United Nations. Seems like somebody's looking to take over the world... When Nicky Carp leaves the room, the bankers discuss an employee named Dirk Burton(a buddy of Buck's) who is trying to bust their scheme wide open. "I'd say that Mr. Burton will have to sacrifice his pension... and his health benefits." Bwa-ha-ha, aren't they evil?

Buck Williams boards a plane to London to follow up on something his buddy Dirk told him. He talks to Hattie(Left Behind II's Chelsea Noble), a stewardess whom he'd helped land a job at the United Nations. And guess what? The plane just happens to be the one that Ray Steele is piloting! Will those three become enmeshed in the dramatic events soon to follow?

What's more, Ray's been flirting with Hattie, big time! Nope, he's definitely not getttin' raptured. Of course, the novel authors and film writers could have been even more daring - Ray could have been having an actual affair with Hattie, with sex and everything - but this is a Christian production and they don't do that sort of thing.

Finally, somewhere over the Atlantic, the event we've all been waiting for... THE RAPTURE!!! Was there some great big expensive special effects sequence showing millions of Christians worldwide vanishing into the sky? Nope. No effects shots, not even a lousy in-camera trick. The raptured folks are just gone.

In spite of the disappointing lack of effects, the big event is still handled well. We start small, with the people on the plane realizing a bunch of people are missing. It is truly amazing how many devout Christians there are on that plane just then! All that remains of them are their clothes, jewellery, and of course crucifixes.

Next we turn to Chloe, who runs afoul of a traffic snarl caused by raptured drivers. Pretty soon, we learn the event is worldwide. Panic! Horror! Despair! Oh my. All flights are grounded, but Ray agrees to help Buck get back to New York by helping him find a pilot for hire. Then Ray rushes home and finds his wife and son are gone, so he starts reading his wife's Bible. Chloe comes home and starts to cry, and the acting goes from bad to cringe-worthy.

The bad guy bankers get another scene, and the bad acting and bad dialogue collide. When discussing how they can use this worldwide event ot their advantage, one of them says: "Never wait for opportunity to knock. Yank open the door and drag it screaming and kicking inside."

But that's nowhere near as bad as my favourite scene from the whole movie, the scene where Ray's wife's pastor sits alone in his church, musing about why he wasn't taken. Honestly, you have to see it to understand how truly bad and unintentionally hilarious it is. "What a fraud I am," Pastor Bruce Barnes says. "I'm living a lie... I'm living a lie." It seems that Brucie didn't really believe his own message, which conveniently leaves one guy on Earth who can supply necessary exposition. Ray finds him, they both get Saved, and then Ray heads out to Save Chloe. He also tries to save Hattie, who drops by for some more flirting. Ray doesn't want a sinful relationship, and Hattie doesn't want God, so that's it for those two.

Buck meets a CIA guy in Chicago, a guy his buddy Dirk contacted. They figure out that the evil bankers are going to bankrupt the UN with their buddy Nicky Carpy while simultaneously getting their hands on the Eden formula. "They're trying to control the world's food supply!" Buck gasps, but before they can bust this thing wide open, the CIA guy's car explodes. Buck would have been in the car with him, but he was busy giving a homeless lady some change. No, I'm not making that up, that's what happened. Buck, injured, goes to the only people in Chicago he trusts - the Steeles. Ray and Chloe take him to the church, where a convenient emergency centre has been set up, and the converting of Buck goes into full swing. Pastor Barnes and Ray provide Biblical explanations for everything that's going on, and Buck is convinced way too easily.

However, he doesn't quite get Saved yet. Instead, Buck heads for the UN to warn his buddy Rosenzweig and their mutual buddy Nicolae Carpathia about what the evil bankers are up to. Then, following a revelation revealing how Nicky Carpy will bring peace to the Middle East, Buck realizes all that Bible stuff was true. He ducks into the UN bathroom to get Saved, and soppy uplifting music plays to make sure we get the gravity of this moment.

The movie ends with the revelation that Nicky, not his evil banker buddies, was the AntiChrist all along. He kills the bankers and works his mind mojo on the UN, but Buck is immune because he's got Jesus now. He escapes and gets back to the Steeles in the church, where they prepare for the sequels that will prolong their acting careers. In a voiceover, Buck tells us "I don't have all the answers, but for now, faith is enough." The question is, will faith be enough for viewers.

Not if they're not already Christians. I can't see any non-believers being converted by this movie, let alone enjoying it on the level of an action blockbuster. Like the Commander Kellie video, this movie is so full of earnestness and importance and message that it forgets the cardinal rule of not sucking. When the acting is at its best, it is soap opera melodrama. And when it is bad, it is baaaaddd. How bad? Christian movie bad. There's no other word for it. Director Vic Sarin has no idea how to build suspense or stage drama, and the best you can say for the screenwriters is that they successfully condensed the novel into a 95 minute film.

One glaring omission is why God is doing this to humanity. Sure, the Rapture happens to spare the faithful from the horrors of the Tribulation before Jesus returns to set everything right, but that doesn't explain why God planned it that way. Sure, it's "in the Bible", but so what? The big picture makes no sense to me, and Left Behind(the book and the movie) does not provide enlightenment.

"What does it matter what we think we know?" Buck asks in a voiceover at the beginning. "In the end, there's no denying the truth." And the truth is, this movie is just plain awful. Watch it only if you want a mild chuckle.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 7
Acting/Direction - 3
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 9
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0