Man's Most-Asked Question!

Barefaced arrogance can be quite entertaining in the right context. This cartoon from the Fellowship Tract League assumes that every human being on the planet asks one question more than any other: "How can I get to Heaven??" How pig-headed do you have to be to suggest the question on every man's mind is one specific to your belief system? And, that this question eclipses all others, including but not limited to: Is there a God? What happens when we die? I'd ask those before pondering the existence of Heaven, let alone whether or not I can get there. Or how about: Why are we here? Is there life on other planets? And don't forget: What's for lunch? Are you going to finish that? And, of course, Are we there yet? That last one should be the winner in the most-asked category by virtue of its repetition.

You could argue, I suppose, that the question "How can I get to Heaven??" could be interpreted to imply all forms of the afterlife, and thus relates to all religions. The context of the rest of the tract, however, squashes that argument flat. "The Bible tells you how," the tract says in the very next panel, making clear that only the Judao-Christian Heaven is under discussion. And by the tract's end you see that the Judao part can be scratched, too. "I've always believed in Jesus," the cartoon man says. "I'm not a heathen, you know." So while he's being told that mere belief in Jesus isn't enough, that the requirement for Heaven "is a total commitment to Christ," the rest of the world gets the very clear hint that non-belief in Jesus = heathenism.

Like I said, arrogance.

Man's most asked question, then, is how can one get to the Christian Heaven.

I wonder what Woman's most-asked question is?

But once you get past the arrogance (and sexism), you can better appreciate what this tract has to offer. The cartoons are nice but nothing special, depicting a guy in a suit responding to an 'off-screen' narrator. Pretty much like Are You Good Enough For Heaven?, but the uncredited artist doesn't have Ron Wheeler's level of talent. Still, the artist does manage to convey the man's terror upon learning "Everyone in the world is a... sinner?!?!"

The rest is pretty much what you'd expect. The man is told he needs to get Saved, and by the end he's prayin' his guts out. The cartoons enliven what is in essence a fairly pedestrian tract. It's got the usual fear-mongering (the word HELL appears on page 2 in big, fiery letters) and Salvation-explaining, and the arrogance takes it up a tiny notch in terms of entertainment value and offensive content, but that's it.

Forget the most-asked question. Tract makers need to find a way to spread their message without resorting to the most-preached formula.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 2
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

The Great White Throne of Judgment

"The judgment day is a fixed, definite, future event in the calendar of God," begins this offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors, proving beyond all doubt that you can never have too many adjectives. The author, who remains anonymous, wants us to believe that the Biblical Judgment Day (Revelation 20: 11-15, helpfully printed on the cover) is actually going to happen, and "you'll never laugh the fact away."

I love it when they talk about facts in tracts. The thinking seems to be that if you use the word 'fact', you don't actually need to provide any to back up your claims. This tract certainly doesn't.

But adjectives and 'fact'-deployment aren't the author's only weapons. He also uses repetition. "Every one of God's predicted judgments in the future is going to come true," we are told, twice. In the same paragraph. The author also uses his extensive knowledge of this supposed "fixed, definite, future event". "I know," he says, "you're twenty-four hours nearer to it than you were yesterday." But wait! There's more: "I know you have twenty-four hours less chance to prepare for that judgment than you had last night." Convincing stuff!

And that's just the first two paragraphs. They are very important paragraphs, because they are the only two that actually discuss the Judgment (or, for that matter, the Great White Throne). Two paragraphs out of eight, not including the cover. That's all the titular subject matter gets. No wonder it needed all those adjectives.

The remaining six paragraphs veer off into Rapture territory, starting with the title TOTAL EVACUATION INDICATED in bold red letters. "We are to evacuate the area," the author says, "that the enemy might be completely wiped out." The rest of the tract uses terms like 'the enemy', 'battle', 'soldiers' and others, and speaks of tactics and plans for fighting this enemy, who apparently "will drink the wine of the wrath of God and be tormented forever."

I could take some time to discuss the author's use of Capital Letters on Certain Words to make them seem More Important, but why bother? This tract is its own worst enemy, and hasn't a chance of converting anyone. That's okay, it isn't trying to; the intended audience seems to be Christians who aren't quite devout enough. You know, the ones who don't believe in "the Air Lift, which will deliver many into the Home Country" instead "of Shadow Valley."

Entertainingly melodramatic is about the best thing I can say for The Great White Throne of Judgment. Otherwise, the tossing of this tract into a blue bin is a fixed, definite, future event.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 5
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

All This I Did For Thee

This small effort from the Fellowship Tract League would be utterly forgettable if it weren't for that cover. I mean, look at it, for God's sake. It's a guy (presumably Jesus) who's had the snot kicked out of him. Even his head is bleeding! This is one of the most horrible images I've ever seen on a tract, and I've seen a lot of these things. Now I don't need to rent Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion Of The Christ. I just need to look at this thing. Yuck!

The rest of the tract, like I said, is utterly forgettable. It's a simple quote tract, using the usual bits of scripture to tell the reader they need to get Saved. The last page offers readers a choice between accepting and rejecting Jesus, complete with tick boxes. What's with the tick box trend, honestly? This is at least the second if not the third time I've seen this gimmick. Are the authors of these things really expecting readers to tick a box and send it in? This one is, apparently - they ask readers to do so, and provide space for them to fill in their names, addresses and ages.

But enough about that boring stuff. Let's get back to that cover!
What a marvelous use of black and white and only one colour - red! I also like the way Jesus' face is hidden in shadow. Wow, that guy really went through a lot to Save you. At least, that's what the authors and/or artist wants you to think.

Points for attention-grabbing, League. If only the tract inside could live up to the promise of that cover. I'm sure Bloody Jesus wouldn't be too happy knowing that these few verses were the best the author could come up with to use with his beaten image.

Please, League! Try to do better. Half-assed tracts make Bloody Jesus cry.

Likely to Convert - 3
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Apes, Lies And Ms. Henn: Li'l Susy 2

Prepare yourselves for another wild adventure with Jack Chick's half-pint heroine, Li'l Susy! This is her second appearance in the Chickiverse, and while it doesn't have the evil hatred of The Birds And The Bees, it has all of The Devil's Night's wackiness. And, as the title suggests, this tract also marks the first appearance of the witch-like Ms. Henn.

The title also suggests, in its less-than-subtle way, that it will take a crack at the theory of evolution. Like In The Beginning (which this tract references), Apes, Lies And Ms. Henn seeks to convince readers that science is wrong and the Bible is right when it comes to the origin of our species.

The tract opens with Ms. Henn's introduction as the new teacher for Li'l Susy's class. Wrinkled and scary is the only way to describe her. "We're going to have such fun together!" she says. "...as long as you do what I say!" Ms. Henn wastes no time leaping into a lesson on evolution, saying that "scientists have PROVEN it!" Li'l Susy's having none of that, and she tells her friend Timmy "that's a LIE!"

And I pause this review here to express my umbrage at having a version of my name in a Chick Tract. How very bothersome.

Anyway, Ms. Henn is less than pleased with Li'l Susy's outburst. "Are you calling me... a liar?" Henn says. "No, ma'am..." Li'l Susy replies. "You're calling God a liar." Oh, you just just know this isn't going to end well. Ms. Henn drags Li'l Susy out of the class, wags her finger at her, and makes the most devastating threat Jack Chick could dream up. "Go back in there and keep your mouth shut..." Ms. Henn says, "or else!"

Yep, she actually says "Or else."

After school, Li'l Susy gets busy putting the Jesus moves on Timmy. She tells him evolution is a lie "created by the devil to keep kids out of heaven," and Timmy freaks out. "I want to go to heaven when I die!" he says. "What am I supposed to do?" Well, that's just the opening Li'l Susy is waiting for! I'm sure you can guess the rest.

I find it interesting to note the contempt Jack Chick seems to have for the school system. Embodied in the form of Ms. Henn, education is portrayed as rigid, scary, and not a little bit ugly, too. "If I tell you we came from apes..." she says, "I expect you to believe me... right?" Well, yes. That's what school is for. "She's wrong!" Li'l Susy says on the tract's last page. "But she's our teacher and we have to respect her." A fine sentiment, Susy, but one you conveniently forgot earlier when you interrupted the class. You're slipping, Jack. Try to be consistent with your rules.

This tract would be hilarious if it weren't aimed at kids. Okay, it's still hilarious, but I shake my fist at it while I laugh. I can see that it's ridiculous, but a kid might find it frightening. Though the tract doesn't depict or describe Hell, it does say that "most people will end up" there. "Susy, this is scary," Timmy says, letting young readers know there is every reason to be afraid. The last sentence of the tract hammers that fear home: "If you believe in Evolution instead of Jesus, you'll end up in hell."


Whatever, Jack. Just so long as they're far away from you.

Likely to Convert - 4
Artwork - 9
Ability to Hold Interest - 7
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

In The Beginning

Here's Jack Chick at his most unintentionally hilarious and far-out wacky. In The Beginning shows the Biblical six days of Creation, as told by recurring Chick character Bible Bob to his dinosaur-loving pal Jason.

"Since so many scientists contradict each other," Bob says, "I found this (the Bible) to be the only source I can trust." Naturally, neither Bob nor Jack Chick present any conflicting scientific theories to back up this statement, and Jason the Dinosaur Guy doesn't question it.

Why is Jason the Dinosaur Guy? Because when we first meet him in the first panel, he's carrying a toy brontosaurus and claiming it "lived 145 million years ago" according to his teacher.
"Your teacher's been brain washed," Bob tells him. "145 million years?... Those guys are only guessing." Not one for carbon dating or paleontology, is our Bob. He goes on to launch his sermon on Creation, claiming he can tell Jason "to the exact day" when the dinosaurs were created.

Remember that, it'll come up again later.

Anyway, Bob details Days One through Six, telling the foolish science-believing Jason "what really happened." On Day 3, when "dry land appeared with grass and trees yielding fruit," Jason spots a weak point in the story and asks how the plants could grow without the sun. "Haw Haw, I gotcha!" he says, but Bob is ready for that. "God made the sun, moon and stars" on Day 4, he tells Jason, adding that "they had to be real days or the plants and trees would have died."

Let's look at that exchange for a second. First, one has to wonder why God made the Sun after he'd made the plants, not before. It would make sense to do it that way, but that isn't what's Written. The Bible's the only source that can be trusted, you know.

Second, it's just interesting that Bob points out a scientific fact - that the plants would have died if the Sun hadn't been created the very next day - to 'prove' the Biblical days were real days. I guess scientists don't "contradict each other over that.

Third, the whole thing should be moot, since on Day One God said "Let there be light" and "divided the light (day) from the darkness (night). So there was light, and there was night and day, but there was no Sun or stars until Day 4. So what was this light, exactly? It obviously wasn't the right kind of light to feed the flowers!

Day 5 gave us fish and birds, and on Day 6 we got "cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth," including (according to Bob) dinosaurs. Oh, and Adam, too. And Adam wasn't "a prehistoric man like in textbooks," because "there was nothing 'prehistoric'. That word was created to brainwash us."

Here's where Chick offers something unique among tracts: some actual evidence to back up his claims. He provides the following photograph of man and dinosaur footprints together, found in Glen Rose, Texas.
"God doesn't lie," Bob tells us. Maybe, Bob, but photographers sure do. I looked this dubious claim up online, and numerous sites branded the Glen Rose footprints as false, false, false.

Now, remember how Bob said he knew "to the exact day" when dinosaurs were created? Jason asks "can you trace back in time when Adam lived?" and Bob replies "Roughly 6000 years ago."

Roughly, Bob? That doesn't sound very exact to me. And don't go telling me it was Day Six. That's meaningless if the next several thousand years are little more than guesswork.

The rest of the tract gets into the whole everyone's-a-sinner-and-must-be-Saved bit. Bob tells the story of the forbidden fruit, and brings Eve into the story. "God created Eve to help him (Adam)," Bob says, igniting a firestorm of sexism the world is still trying to put out.

For sheer immature fun, here's a picture of Ol' Faceless fondling Adam's bum.




Well, that's what it looks like to me.




We all know the next bit of the story; the serpent tempts Eve, Eve tempts Adam, and they eat the damn fruit. What's unique in Chick's depiction of it is the look of the serpent itself. Check this out...

It's a snake with arms! Some kind of standing, waving reptile! That's one terrible lizard. A... dinosaur???

Anyway, God boots Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, Death enters the world, and everyone on Earth thereafter is a sinner headed for Hell. Jason freaks out, "cuz I sin all the time," so Bob tells him about Jesus. Jason gets Saved, and the tract ends abruptly right there.

This is one of my favourite Chick Tracts. It's full of mind-blowing lunacy, with lots of laugh-out-loud moments. The bent logic with the plants is also hilarious.

I have to say, though, that the story is lacking. Half of it is 'proving' what 'really happened', and the other half is the stuff about sin. It splits the narrative focus, and goes from 'history' lesson to preaching. I think the tract would have been much stronger if Jason had already been a believer, albeit one who has been 'fooled' by science. Then the whole thing could have been about 'proving' the Bible correct.

But that's just my view. Chick often splits his tracts up like this, so it's nothing new.

This tract scores for entertainment value, though I can't say it'll win many converts. It's only offensive to scientists "who laugh at God," but I doubt many will be offended.


"There was no Big Bang," Bob says. "So let's see what really happened."



Sure was fun, Bob. Thanks a million years!

Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 9
Ability to Hold Interest - 10
Unintentional Hilarity - 10
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

The Hour Is Coming: Heaven Or Hell? Time Is Running Out

As Bible verse-quoting tracts go, this one from Evangelical Tract Distributors is one of the laziest. At least, like the subjects of my last two reviews, it wastes very little of the reader's time.

The middle two pages are Bible verses, lacking even the title/translations that made First The Bad News... so entertaining. I guess they are all in support of the time-running-out theme, but that is left to readers to decide.

The cover contains the overlong title and a picture of a yellow clock, the hour hand pointing to 11. I guess it's representative of time running out, with midnight (or lunchtime) only one hour away. The cover also has some random sentences at the bottom, instructing readers to "flee from the wrath to come" and informing them that "today is the Day of Salvation."

The last page foregoes the usual prayer for Salvation in favour of some really bad poetry. In fact, poetry is too good a word for what this tract's author came up with. "Almost is but to fail, Almost cannot avail, Doom comes at last." WTF does that mean? If you're trying to Save people's souls, don't waste time confusing them with crap.

This tract appears to have been thrown together without a whole lot of thought. It's as if the people at Evangelical Tract Distributors had to come up with one at the last minute to fill their quota, and didn't really care how it came out. "Ooh, ooh, I've got some clip art of a clock," an ETD person might have said. "Quick, somebody grab me some verses about End Times stuff and I'll write some poetry real quick."

The Hour may be coming, and it may take less than a minute to read, but no one should have to give even a second to this pathetic drivel.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 0
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Paid In Full

This one, from the Fellowship Tract League, uses more or less the same format and formula as First The Bad News.... It's a bunch of Bible quotes and/or passages that fit the theme of our sin debt having been paid.

Each group of quotes begins with a bold, all-caps title question, like: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR SIN DEBT WILL COST YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY?

It occurs to me that if it's a sin debt, then we need to come up with a lot of sins to pay it off. But why quibble about the choice of words when the format of the tract gets the reader to the end just as fast as First The Bad News...?

Paid In Full ends with two choices, and two tick-boxes for readers to indicate their choice. You can "trust Jesus Christ and his finished payment" or "reject the payment of Jesus Christ." Considering the theme, why use tick boxes? A bill format with payment options would have been more appropriate, and visually more appealing.

As with so many tracts, Paid In Full offers nothing new. Its format and brevity make it a quick read, with minimal time wasted. Not much of a compliment, I know. But then, Paid In Full isn't much of a tract.


Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 3
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0