Apes, Lies And Ms. Henn: Li'l Susy 2

Prepare yourselves for another wild adventure with Jack Chick's half-pint heroine, Li'l Susy! This is her second appearance in the Chickiverse, and while it doesn't have the evil hatred of The Birds And The Bees, it has all of The Devil's Night's wackiness. And, as the title suggests, this tract also marks the first appearance of the witch-like Ms. Henn.

The title also suggests, in its less-than-subtle way, that it will take a crack at the theory of evolution. Like In The Beginning (which this tract references), Apes, Lies And Ms. Henn seeks to convince readers that science is wrong and the Bible is right when it comes to the origin of our species.

The tract opens with Ms. Henn's introduction as the new teacher for Li'l Susy's class. Wrinkled and scary is the only way to describe her. "We're going to have such fun together!" she says. "...as long as you do what I say!" Ms. Henn wastes no time leaping into a lesson on evolution, saying that "scientists have PROVEN it!" Li'l Susy's having none of that, and she tells her friend Timmy "that's a LIE!"

And I pause this review here to express my umbrage at having a version of my name in a Chick Tract. How very bothersome.

Anyway, Ms. Henn is less than pleased with Li'l Susy's outburst. "Are you calling me... a liar?" Henn says. "No, ma'am..." Li'l Susy replies. "You're calling God a liar." Oh, you just just know this isn't going to end well. Ms. Henn drags Li'l Susy out of the class, wags her finger at her, and makes the most devastating threat Jack Chick could dream up. "Go back in there and keep your mouth shut..." Ms. Henn says, "or else!"

Yep, she actually says "Or else."

After school, Li'l Susy gets busy putting the Jesus moves on Timmy. She tells him evolution is a lie "created by the devil to keep kids out of heaven," and Timmy freaks out. "I want to go to heaven when I die!" he says. "What am I supposed to do?" Well, that's just the opening Li'l Susy is waiting for! I'm sure you can guess the rest.

I find it interesting to note the contempt Jack Chick seems to have for the school system. Embodied in the form of Ms. Henn, education is portrayed as rigid, scary, and not a little bit ugly, too. "If I tell you we came from apes..." she says, "I expect you to believe me... right?" Well, yes. That's what school is for. "She's wrong!" Li'l Susy says on the tract's last page. "But she's our teacher and we have to respect her." A fine sentiment, Susy, but one you conveniently forgot earlier when you interrupted the class. You're slipping, Jack. Try to be consistent with your rules.

This tract would be hilarious if it weren't aimed at kids. Okay, it's still hilarious, but I shake my fist at it while I laugh. I can see that it's ridiculous, but a kid might find it frightening. Though the tract doesn't depict or describe Hell, it does say that "most people will end up" there. "Susy, this is scary," Timmy says, letting young readers know there is every reason to be afraid. The last sentence of the tract hammers that fear home: "If you believe in Evolution instead of Jesus, you'll end up in hell."


Whatever, Jack. Just so long as they're far away from you.

Likely to Convert - 4
Artwork - 9
Ability to Hold Interest - 7
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

In The Beginning

Here's Jack Chick at his most unintentionally hilarious and far-out wacky. In The Beginning shows the Biblical six days of Creation, as told by recurring Chick character Bible Bob to his dinosaur-loving pal Jason.

"Since so many scientists contradict each other," Bob says, "I found this (the Bible) to be the only source I can trust." Naturally, neither Bob nor Jack Chick present any conflicting scientific theories to back up this statement, and Jason the Dinosaur Guy doesn't question it.

Why is Jason the Dinosaur Guy? Because when we first meet him in the first panel, he's carrying a toy brontosaurus and claiming it "lived 145 million years ago" according to his teacher.
"Your teacher's been brain washed," Bob tells him. "145 million years?... Those guys are only guessing." Not one for carbon dating or paleontology, is our Bob. He goes on to launch his sermon on Creation, claiming he can tell Jason "to the exact day" when the dinosaurs were created.

Remember that, it'll come up again later.

Anyway, Bob details Days One through Six, telling the foolish science-believing Jason "what really happened." On Day 3, when "dry land appeared with grass and trees yielding fruit," Jason spots a weak point in the story and asks how the plants could grow without the sun. "Haw Haw, I gotcha!" he says, but Bob is ready for that. "God made the sun, moon and stars" on Day 4, he tells Jason, adding that "they had to be real days or the plants and trees would have died."

Let's look at that exchange for a second. First, one has to wonder why God made the Sun after he'd made the plants, not before. It would make sense to do it that way, but that isn't what's Written. The Bible's the only source that can be trusted, you know.

Second, it's just interesting that Bob points out a scientific fact - that the plants would have died if the Sun hadn't been created the very next day - to 'prove' the Biblical days were real days. I guess scientists don't "contradict each other over that.

Third, the whole thing should be moot, since on Day One God said "Let there be light" and "divided the light (day) from the darkness (night). So there was light, and there was night and day, but there was no Sun or stars until Day 4. So what was this light, exactly? It obviously wasn't the right kind of light to feed the flowers!

Day 5 gave us fish and birds, and on Day 6 we got "cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth," including (according to Bob) dinosaurs. Oh, and Adam, too. And Adam wasn't "a prehistoric man like in textbooks," because "there was nothing 'prehistoric'. That word was created to brainwash us."

Here's where Chick offers something unique among tracts: some actual evidence to back up his claims. He provides the following photograph of man and dinosaur footprints together, found in Glen Rose, Texas.
"God doesn't lie," Bob tells us. Maybe, Bob, but photographers sure do. I looked this dubious claim up online, and numerous sites branded the Glen Rose footprints as false, false, false.

Now, remember how Bob said he knew "to the exact day" when dinosaurs were created? Jason asks "can you trace back in time when Adam lived?" and Bob replies "Roughly 6000 years ago."

Roughly, Bob? That doesn't sound very exact to me. And don't go telling me it was Day Six. That's meaningless if the next several thousand years are little more than guesswork.

The rest of the tract gets into the whole everyone's-a-sinner-and-must-be-Saved bit. Bob tells the story of the forbidden fruit, and brings Eve into the story. "God created Eve to help him (Adam)," Bob says, igniting a firestorm of sexism the world is still trying to put out.

For sheer immature fun, here's a picture of Ol' Faceless fondling Adam's bum.




Well, that's what it looks like to me.




We all know the next bit of the story; the serpent tempts Eve, Eve tempts Adam, and they eat the damn fruit. What's unique in Chick's depiction of it is the look of the serpent itself. Check this out...

It's a snake with arms! Some kind of standing, waving reptile! That's one terrible lizard. A... dinosaur???

Anyway, God boots Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, Death enters the world, and everyone on Earth thereafter is a sinner headed for Hell. Jason freaks out, "cuz I sin all the time," so Bob tells him about Jesus. Jason gets Saved, and the tract ends abruptly right there.

This is one of my favourite Chick Tracts. It's full of mind-blowing lunacy, with lots of laugh-out-loud moments. The bent logic with the plants is also hilarious.

I have to say, though, that the story is lacking. Half of it is 'proving' what 'really happened', and the other half is the stuff about sin. It splits the narrative focus, and goes from 'history' lesson to preaching. I think the tract would have been much stronger if Jason had already been a believer, albeit one who has been 'fooled' by science. Then the whole thing could have been about 'proving' the Bible correct.

But that's just my view. Chick often splits his tracts up like this, so it's nothing new.

This tract scores for entertainment value, though I can't say it'll win many converts. It's only offensive to scientists "who laugh at God," but I doubt many will be offended.


"There was no Big Bang," Bob says. "So let's see what really happened."



Sure was fun, Bob. Thanks a million years!

Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 9
Ability to Hold Interest - 10
Unintentional Hilarity - 10
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

The Hour Is Coming: Heaven Or Hell? Time Is Running Out

As Bible verse-quoting tracts go, this one from Evangelical Tract Distributors is one of the laziest. At least, like the subjects of my last two reviews, it wastes very little of the reader's time.

The middle two pages are Bible verses, lacking even the title/translations that made First The Bad News... so entertaining. I guess they are all in support of the time-running-out theme, but that is left to readers to decide.

The cover contains the overlong title and a picture of a yellow clock, the hour hand pointing to 11. I guess it's representative of time running out, with midnight (or lunchtime) only one hour away. The cover also has some random sentences at the bottom, instructing readers to "flee from the wrath to come" and informing them that "today is the Day of Salvation."

The last page foregoes the usual prayer for Salvation in favour of some really bad poetry. In fact, poetry is too good a word for what this tract's author came up with. "Almost is but to fail, Almost cannot avail, Doom comes at last." WTF does that mean? If you're trying to Save people's souls, don't waste time confusing them with crap.

This tract appears to have been thrown together without a whole lot of thought. It's as if the people at Evangelical Tract Distributors had to come up with one at the last minute to fill their quota, and didn't really care how it came out. "Ooh, ooh, I've got some clip art of a clock," an ETD person might have said. "Quick, somebody grab me some verses about End Times stuff and I'll write some poetry real quick."

The Hour may be coming, and it may take less than a minute to read, but no one should have to give even a second to this pathetic drivel.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 0
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Paid In Full

This one, from the Fellowship Tract League, uses more or less the same format and formula as First The Bad News.... It's a bunch of Bible quotes and/or passages that fit the theme of our sin debt having been paid.

Each group of quotes begins with a bold, all-caps title question, like: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR SIN DEBT WILL COST YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY?

It occurs to me that if it's a sin debt, then we need to come up with a lot of sins to pay it off. But why quibble about the choice of words when the format of the tract gets the reader to the end just as fast as First The Bad News...?

Paid In Full ends with two choices, and two tick-boxes for readers to indicate their choice. You can "trust Jesus Christ and his finished payment" or "reject the payment of Jesus Christ." Considering the theme, why use tick boxes? A bill format with payment options would have been more appropriate, and visually more appealing.

As with so many tracts, Paid In Full offers nothing new. Its format and brevity make it a quick read, with minimal time wasted. Not much of a compliment, I know. But then, Paid In Full isn't much of a tract.


Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 3
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

First The Bad News...

Lately I've been enjoying tracts that either aren't repetitive (not many) or are at least short. This new offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors fits the latter bill.

First The Bad News... is a collection of quotes compiled by Mrs. Don Brill, each with a rating of either Bad News or Good News. Each quote also has an all-caps title that serves to translate the lines of scripture from Biblical into English. For example - BAD NEWS: WE DESERVE ETERNAL PUNISHMENT. "And whosoever was not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the Lake of Fire." Revelation 20:15.

Some of the all-caps title-translations are redundant, like this one - GOOD NEWS: CHRIST CAME TO SAVE SINNERS. "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners."

The last page provides the standard Salvation prayer, cementing my impression that this tract offers nothing new. Like I said, however, it is a short tract, and doesn't bore the reader with some contrived story. I like brevity in tracts - it wastes so much less of a reader's time.

Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 1
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

The Christian's Manner of Dress

Here's a rare one that isn't trying to convert readers. It isn't even targeted at non-believers. This tract, credited to the Rev. Ejj and published by Gospel Tract and Bible Society, is aimed squarely at Christians.

And I do mean square. This tract aims to convince the Christian reader that "there is a discreet way of dress that befits the Christian and his high calling." After all, a person's dress sense "is like a window providing a look into his heart," and "the true disciples of Christ have always been known for their humble dress."

Naturally, Satan won't have any of this, and so he "uses various methods to undermine God's standard of modest dress." What are those 'various methods'? The tract doesn't say. It talks about clothing "worn mainly as an ornament or display" and "suggestive attire" that "draws attention to the human form and promotes lustful thoughts and desires," but it doesn't directly tie these fashion choices back to Satan. I guess it's meant to be implied.

Another no-no? "Clothing that is tightly fitted" because it arouses "the passions of the opposite sex," which leads "to immorality.

Rev. Ejj draws mainly from the writings of Paul for these clothing directives, and makes clear Paul's statement in Corinthians 6:19-20 that a Christian "is to glorify God in his body and in his spirit."

In 1 Timothy 2:8-10, he goes after women, telling them to "adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety." Paul is far from the only sexist bastard in the Bible; Peter also has a few things to say. In 1 Peter 3:3-4 he says "that women should shun 'that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing gold,'" etc.

And guess what? Cross-dressing is right out. "All that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God."

Seems pretty strict, but then "even a proud look is an abomination to God." Fashion appeals "to man's vain pride," and when a person's fashion desires "are gratified, man becomes a slave of fashion rather than a servant of God."

So what are the words that best describe what a Christian's clothing should be? Modesty, simplicity, comely, humble. Someone should tell the Pope. And the cardinals, bishops and priests. And not a few televangelists.

This tract appears dull and lifeless to the eye, being simple text upon green paper. If one invests the time to read it, however, it does prove entertaining (and offensive to both women and transgendered people). Since there is no mention of Hell or Salvation or even Jesus himself, it has the distinction of being somewhat unique among tracts. If it had been done in cartoon form, it could have been brilliant. Something to think about, Rev. Ejj.

Then again, maybe the lack of "outward adorning" and "costly array" is the author's way of driving his point home. Subtle, Ejj, but one can take that too far. Christians get bored like everybody else, you know.

"God's will is that the human form should be covered, not displayed," and "a holy beauty will radiate from those who are surrendered to God's will." Such a lovely use of words, considering his message is that fashion is bad, but human skin is badder. I wish Rev. Ejj all the success in the world in converting his fellow Christians to the true path of uninteresting clothes. After all, we all know the Devil wears Prada.


Likely to Convert - N/A
Likely to Change Christian Fashion - 2
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 6
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

Are You 100% Sure?

Half the size of regular tracts, this offering from Faithway Baptist Church offers the soul absolute certainty of its afterlife destination with only half the paper. Like 7 Things That Will Not Get You Into Heaven, it gets points for producing less waste while having nothing new to say.

"All men, including you," are sinners who must "be born again through Jesus Christ" in order to avoid "an eternal Hell." If you do, "you can be 100% sure that you are going to Heaven." Seems that "nothing else will do... not church membership, not baptism, not confirmation, not communion." That last bit is a lot like 7 Things, except there's only four of them. And two of those items don't appear in 7 Things's list. Which means it could have been 9 Things.

Whatever. They both use less paper, and in the end that's what really counts.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0