7 Last Words

A word before we begin: this one from Evangelical Tract Distributors purports to be about seven words, but it is really about seven full sentences. Each sentence is something Jesus is alleged to have said while on the cross, according to the Gospels of Matthew, Luke and John (but not Mark; maybe he had that day off).

So, seven last sentences, then. For a man suffering a truly horrible death, the Lord was quite chatty. Each sentence has extra meaning for us all, even if the tract author has to stretch things a bit to make the meaning work. "Woman, behold thy son..., behold thy mother." apparently means that Jesus "has His eye on the sparrow" which means he knows about "your smallest needs." Because it shows he cared about his mother. I think. Maybe she liked birds.

"I thirst." John 19:28 proves that he "was human as well as divine" and therefore "the suffering of His body" due to "the intense agony of thirst" was real.

"It is finished." John 19:30 means that it is finished. How about that?

I'd quote the other ones, but they are too long and I really don't care. Look them up yourself. I only care about whether or not this tract is convincing. After reading all seven statements that Jesus allegedly said while hanging on the cross, do I feel compelled to become a Christian? Or "is it nothing to you, all ye that pass by?"

In a word, no. The tract does not provide me with enough information. Or (say it with me) proof.

"Millions have since heard these Words," the tract says, "but have passed by in unbelief." Yep, just like I'm doing now. And I imagine I'm in very good company. Or sinful company. Whichever words you are comfortable with.

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Apt words to describe the authors of this tract, I would say!

7 Last Words
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

The Only Doorway

If you've read any of my other reviews, you can already see exactly where this tract is going. Published by Fellowship Tract League, we are told once again that Jesus Christ is the only thing that can get a person's sinful soul into Heaven.

Boring. But there is a bit in this one I hadn't heard or read before. Apparently, if you try "to enter Heaven some other way than through the way Jesus provided," then "you are a thief and a robber." That's right, a thief AND a robber. There's a difference, apparently. What that difference is, the tract does not elaborate on. Nor does it reveal exactly what it is you are supposed to be stealing. You could be swiping a way into Heaven, I suppose. Which implies there are other ways into Heaven, doesn't it? The tract quotes John 10:1, wherein Jesus says that if you "entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way," then you're a robber/thief. Scriptural proof from the holy horse's mouth that there are other ways into Heaven!

So the title of this tract is wrong. Nevertheless, the author spends the remaining 2 1/2 pages trying to prove it right. "There is no other way to get to Heaven," the author states, listing religion, the preacher, water baptism, church membership, being a moral person and doing good works among the many things that are "not the way." Well, of course they aren't. None of those things involve climbething.

"Don't let the devil deceive you by making you believe there is some other way," the author implores. But Jesus said we could climbeth! Does that mean He's... the Devil?!? Spooky.

Getting back to the title metaphor, we are told "you enter the door by asking Jesus to come into your heart and save you." Standard issue tract message. Nothing new here. Same goes for the Sinner's Prayer on the back. All the good stuff is on the first page, and can be used to annoy any fundamentalist who tries the "one way to Heaven" approach on you.

"Jesus is the door..." the tract states and restates, and quotes John 10:9 to make sure things are clear: "I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture." Ahem. Sounds kinda dirty. Especially since a pasture is a place where you sow your seeds. But who am I to judge? If you can get Saved by entering Jesus, then going in and out until you sow those seeds into that pasture, go for it!

Just close the door behind you.

The Only Doorway
Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 3
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 6
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Deliverance For You

Here we have a tract written by none other than Billy Graham, one of a very select few whom Jesus has on speed-dial. He's one of those big-name American pastors, with his own ministry named after him and numerous books that were, not so very long ago, rocking the Christian bestseller lists. He's a bigger Christian household name than Oral Roberts, Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart and Jerry Falwell, and he managed it without resorting to sex scandals, drug abuse, or generally being an asshole.

So, a tract from this guy ought to be pretty powerful and convincing, right? Yes it should. Too bad this one isn't.

"We all know how the world has radically changed since the turn of the century," the tract begins. And no, he isn't talking about the year 2000 onwards - he means the last century. "Twenty years ago we used to go down to the seaport to watch the ships come in," Billy says, "but now it is to the airport to watch the planes come down." "Once it was the telegraph but now it is the television."

Not only is this tract seriously out of date, but Billy makes it seem like he really needs a life.

This reminiscing about the not-so-recent past does actually go somewhere. "But with all our progress," Billy writes, "man has not solved the basic problems of the human race." He narrows those basic problems down to three: Sin, Sorrow and Death. Sounds like the name of a goth band. "These three problems make up man's history," and "it all seems rather hopeless" when a person "begins to think about it." Yes, Heaven forbid we start thinking.

Fortunately, Billy has "a rainbow of hope" to "put in your heart." I don't need to tell you what that rainbow is, but I will anyway: "Jesus Christ can meet and solve these three basic problems of your life." Apparently "it has been proved millions of times over." Like most tract authors, Billy neglects to provide the tiniest hint of that proof. I shouldn't be surprised about that, and I'm not. I am disappointed, though. Should not the famous Billy Graham be held to a higher standard?

Jesus "can meet your every need, lift every burden, solve every problem." That's quite a claim, and kind of a hard sell. Perhaps Jesus "can give you hope" and "deliver you from the fear of the future," "the perils of the present trouble" and "the penalty of past sin." I can make the same claims about my glorious man-parts, but that doesn't make them true. And an atheist isn't likely to believe even a pastor of Billy Graham's stature without some kind of evidence to back such claims up.

Incidentally, the cover image of a guy at his desk, face-palming while looking at on-screen tax forms, has nothing whatsoever to do with the material inside the tract.

Does Billy Graham expect us to believe him simply because he's a famous guy? I hope not. If Tom Cruise can't sell me on Scientology, Bill, then you haven't got a prayer.

Deliverance For You
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Rainbows of Hope - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Let's Fly Away!

This is a contemporary Chick Tract, delivering the message that the world is horrible and getting worse, but Jesus makes everything better. Half of it seems to be aimed at kids, but the other half deals with very grown up issues. Ultimately, God and Jesus are presented as an escape from the troubles of the current day and age.

The story (as much as there is one) starts with the closing of a broke company. "The new regulations killed our jobs!" the former boss tells former employee Greg. "It's happening all over." Greg returns home to his alcoholic wife Delores, who freaks at the news of his termination. "Factories everywhere are closing!" Greg tells her. "The whole country is in a mess." He tries to console her with the story of their next door neighbour Herb, who lost his job, his house, his wife and his kids, but who "says everything is..." And before we can learn what that is is, a gunshot sounds from the house next door. "Herb blew his brains out!" says a dude who seems way too happy about it. The other neighbours are just as creepy - one wants to see what's left of Herb's face, and others set out to loot his home. Wow, humanity sure does suck.

Having established the state of the world as he sees it, Jack Chick introduces Greg and Delores' daughter Julie. She's got great big staring-at-oncoming-headlights eyes, and an innocence bordering on stupidity. She makes friends with Karen, the daughter of the happy smiley couple who just moved in across the street. Karen wastes no time preaching to Julie, telling her that "in God's eyes you are a lying thief!" Liars and thieves "go to the other place!" Karen adds, and we assume she isn't talking about Disneyland. Having sufficiently terrorized Julie, Karen moves in for the Save. "Jesus is coming to get us," she tells her new convert. "He'll meet us in the clouds." The two happy girls jump up and down on Karen's bed, singing "We'll fly away!" Hence this tract's title.

With that, the kid-friendly portion of the tract ends. Julie tells her parents about Jesus, but finds them less than receptive. "We hate that name!" Greg tells her. "You need a nut doctor!" adds Dolores. It seems that while Julie was getting Saved, her parents were busy turning evil. Greg now sports tattoos of skulls, snakes, and Satan's face, and Dolores has become a drug dealer. The way non-Believers do.

The tract ends with Julie jumping on her own bed and singing at two in the morning. Greg has every right to be pissed at the "rotten brat," but his decision to "give her a beating she'll never forget" seems a little extreme. But when Greg barges into Julie's room to open his can of whup-ass, Julie is gone... leaving only her slippers behind! Lucky for her the Rapture happened just in time to save her, right? Although technically, if she had been Raptured, she'd have left behind her pajamas as well. Maybe she just hid under the bed.

Let's Fly Away! paints a very bleak picture of our world, where everyone is a right bastard and life completely sucks. In fact, the whole world is that angry father, coming to our room to beat us. If only we could escape...

And that's Jesus - a magical escape from all your troubles. And eternal damnation. Can't forget that.

"Those religious jerks have made you go crazy!" Dolores tells her converted daughter. "Never mention Jesus again!" says her dad. Is this really what Jack Chick thinks unBelievers are like? Apparently. The only people in the tract who aren't portrayed as pond scum are Karen, her mom, and Julie. If you're not Saved, you must be evil. If that's how Jack sees humanity, how can we take him seriously?

"The whole country is in a mess," Greg says, and maybe he's right. It will take a lot to fix it, and waiting for a miracle escape isn't going to help anybody.

Let's Fly Away!
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - ?

In Times of Trouble

This one, from Evangelical Tract Distributors, is short and full of large type. The basic message seems to be that, when you are having problems, God will help you. As tract messages go, this one is very nice.

The tract author delivers this message by instructing the reader on what "God's Trusting Child May Say." First, it is God's Will that "I am in this difficult place," and He will "give me grace in this trial to behave as His child." God "will make the testing a blessing," and "He can bring me out again" all "in His good time" when He's taught us "the lessons He intends for me to learn."

In other words, when a Christian is facing a troubling time, God put them there to teach them a lesson. Therefore, if you become a Christian and "behave as His child," you can take comfort in the fact that any difficulty you face will be put there by God as a test. If you find that sort of thing comforting, then great.

The last page has the usual sinner's prayer, there for readers who want Jesus "to take control of the rest of my life." No mention is made of Hell or damnation, only sin and the desire for eternal life.

This is, as I said, a very nice tract. It places responsibility for one's woes on God, while suggesting that He'll help you out of them. Plus, each woe happens for a reason, rather than simply being random stuff that happens. If that notion helps you deal with life... hey, why not? It proves absolutely nothing, of course, but as these things go, you could do worse.

In Times of Trouble
Likely to Convert - 4
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content – 1

Changed Lives: Miracles of The Passion

Here’s an interesting find – a documentary about the effect Mel Gibson’s The Passion of The Christ has had on the world since its release in 2004. Changed Lives: The Miracles of The Passion plays like an overly-long making of featurette one might find on The Passion’s DVD, describing it as “an experience like no other” and bragging that it has touched/changed 80, 000, 000 lives.

Two things I’d like to point out before I go on. One, I have not yet seen The Passion of The Christ, so I have very few comments to make about it. Two, Changed Lives is not an official product for The Passion; it is as independent from Mel Gibson’s film as, well... as this review is from Changed Lives. So to speak. Indeed, Mel’s name is mentioned more times in this review than in the entire documentary.

The film, written and directed by Jody Eldred, is divided into several chapters, each dealing with a specific story. Julie Moran hosts, introducing each story with cheerfulness mixed with awe. The stories themselves are told mostly through interviews with the people in question, and various religious experts toss their two cents in between chapters.

And then there’s the night vision stuff. As each chapter ends, we see footage of people in a cinema watching The Passion. Closeup shots reveal audience members crying and looking away, no doubt overcome by the movie’s power. I suppose these bits are meant to show the exact moment when lives are being changed.

The stories range from charming to nutty: a man who murdered his girlfriend and got away with it, only to turn himself in after seeing The Passion; the two brothers who broke a man’s jaw because he’d fired their mom, only to reconcile, hug and forgive after seeing the film; the atheist who did drugs who was affected “beyond comprehension” after seeing the movie with his girlfriend; a self-described God Hater who screened The Passion for his daughter and wondered “what if this is real?”; and a woman with lung cancer who saw it and became completely cured.

Most wacky is the story of Jan “Lightning Boy” Michelini, a production assistant on The Passion whose story “is an amazing tale of God’s hand of protection.” He was struck by lightning twice while on set, the second time sharing the bolt with star Jim Caviezel. Call me cynical, but I’d only consider it a sign of God’s protection if the lightning had missed him. Doesn’t say much about the safety standards on the set, either. Still, the guy survived unscathed, and was the reason two of the actors decided to convert. That’s something, I guess.

“We can’t get away from the fact that this is not fiction, not made up,” says Author Lee Strobel (The Case For Faith) about The Passion. “It is reflective of what the Gospels tell us actually occurred. I think that’s where a lot of its power comes from.”

“People are seeing depicted truth,” says Pastor Jack Hayford. The Truth “unsheathed, like a sword,” that is “historically reliable, spiritually dynamic.” I suspect the purpose of having these two in the film is to reinforce the idea that The Passion (and the Gospels it is based on) is verifiably true without actually verifying it. One is an author, the other a priest – if they say it is “depicted truth” it must be true!

The strangest and most disturbing of the stories is the one they show first. A Colorado couple named Mike and Krista left their baby in the bath unsupervised for four minutes, and she drowned. Luckily she made a miraculous recovery. That’s the good part.

The strange and disturbing part comes before that. Mike administered CPR, even though he admits he had no training – it was just part of the miracle. “I realized right away that this was an attack of Satan,” he says. So how did Mike defeat the evil Satan and save his baby? Other than performing a first aid technique he didn’t actually know how to do? And just what does this story have to do with The Passion of The Christ, anyway?

It seems Mike and Krista had seen The Passion not too long before this incident, and as they prayed over their daughter they visualized the scene where Jesus is flogged by a Roman soldier. ‘By his stripes are yea healed,’ the Bible says; basically, they figured Jesus would save their kid if they pictured Him having the flesh torn from his back.

And apparently that worked. The doctor who checked the baby afterward was ‘baffled’ that she was so perfect after such a trauma. “It’s the work of God. There’s no doubt about that,” Mike’s dad says. Maybe so. I personally believe they were very lucky. The alternative is to believe that an evil force, not parental negligence, put the baby in danger, and the only way to combat that evil was to bring to mind the most violent scene from a movie about their deity’s death. That, to me, is wrong and sick on so many levels.

“We know for a fact this is historic reality,” Lee Strobel says, “and that what we see played out in front of us is something that actually took place in history.” If you believe that statement, then this film (and, presumably, The Passion) is for you. If you do not, Changing Lives will seem silly. Or crazy. No attempt is made to speak to the unsaved; if you are watching, you are assumed to be the choir to whom they are preaching.

“The stories you’ve just seen are all true,” Host Julie Moran tells us, “but more importantly, they are stories of truth.” Perhaps so, Julie. And I do believe all the interviewees are sincere in the telling of their stories. After all, some of the details do not paint them in the best light. However, I refuse to believe one can resurrect drowned babies or cure lung cancer by watching The Passion of The Christ, even if it is “based on an historic event that can transform a human being’s eternal destiny.” It makes me wonder about the stories we haven’t been told, where The Passion failed to deliver.

A lot of Belief can be a dangerous thing.

Changed Lives: Miracles of The Passion
Likely To Convert - 1
Production Values - 5
Acting/Direction - 4
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 6
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content – 5

Meteor Apocalypse

Are you ready for another blockbuster from Faith Films? The guys who brought you 2012 Doomsday and Sunday School Musical? Well, this one, Meteor Apocalypse, makes those other two look good.

Nah, I’m kidding. Nothing could possibly make 2012 Doomsday look good. Meteor Apocalypse is slightly better, but not as good as SSM. Which is like saying taking a dump is better than explosive diarrhea, but not as good as having a wizz.

But enough of that crap. Meteor Apocalypse, billed as an End Times thriller, is about the trouble that ensues when a comet threatening the Earth is blasted to fragments by the US government, only for those fragments to rain down on the planet.

David (Joe Lando, from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman) is some sort of emergency response person. His wife Kate (Babylon 5’s Claudia Christian, who gets top billing in spite of only being in the film for less than ten minutes) and daughter Alison (Madison McLaughlin) wish he’d spend more time with them. “Why did you bother switching to days when you’re on call seven nights a week?” Kate asks as David is called in to help deal with the meteor crisis. “It’s my Job, Kate,” he replies. “What d’you want me to do?” Having established the required amount of family drama, David rushes off to do his stuff. If only something would happen to make him realize how precious his family really is.

The first meteor poisons the water supply, and people start getting sick. David confers with his sick friend Mark, who dies just after giving him some medicine that will slow down the poisoned water’s effects. Then a random meteor shower destroys the building, but David escapes with the meds just in the nick of time.

Mark’s pal Sam in Las Vegas is working on a cure – he tells David this, and apparently no one else. The government moves in and starts quarantining the sick people, including Dave’s daughter Alison. He arrives home just in time to watch helplessly Alison and Kate are hauled away by army goons. David himself escapes, only to waste time wandering in the wilderness. Why he didn’t simply get back in his car (which was available) or the car of one of the goon-abducted sickies (also available) is a question best left for film critics.

On his way to Las Vegas to help Sam make a cure, David meets a sick woman named Lynn (Cooper Harris). She also has drama (ex boyfriend, ex job, ex dog), but it fails to make her interesting. Lynn’s function in the film is to look sickly, and it uses up the entirety of Cooper’s acting talent.

David and Lynn find a jeep and continue on toward Vegas, until another random meteor shower destroys it. Over the course of the film, David faces five random meteor showers, but emerges from each unscathed. Somebody up there must like him.

Meanwhile, Random Government People are hard at work. There are always two types of RGPs in movies like this: the ones working to solve the current crisis, and the ones who get in their way for no good reason. Both groups provide much-needed exposition.

David and Lynn reach Sam just in time to save him from some guy with a gun. They put their heads together (David and Sam, not Lynn or the gun guy) and quickly concoct an antidote to the poisoned water. And not a moment too soon! More gun guys turn up to make things difficult, but David and Lynn escape with the help of some FBI agents. Things look promising for our heroes until a bunch of bikers turn up and kill the FBI guys, only to be scared away by random meteor shower #3. One of the FBI agents lives long enough to tell them (David & Lynn, not the bikers) that a giant comet is heading for L.A. Which is where the quarantined people are! Including Kate and Alison! David rushes off for L.A., and Lynn comes with him because her character has nothing better to do.

At no point does it occur to either David or Lynn to turn their antidote over to the authorities. David’s mission is surprisingly single-minded for a Christian movie – he’s taking the cure to his daughter, and everyone else can fend for themselves. In this way, Meteor Apocalypse is very similar to Sunday School Musical – no consequences are shown for bad behavior. David does use half his supply of antidote to save a little girl, but that hardly counts; David wasn’t even sure it would work. He basically used the girl as a guinea pig to make sure the cure could help his daughter.

And, like Sunday School Musical, there is very little to suggest that this is in fact a Christian movie. David’s wife Kate asks him early on if he’ll come to church with her that weekend, and David and Lynn take shelter in a church in L.A. In that church, a priest named Pastor King (Celestial) talks to David about faith; she is the only one to mention the name of Jesus in the entire movie. It doesn’t do her any good; she and her church are wiped out by random meteor shower #4.

Back in Washington, the RGPs’ bureaucratic exposition continues. Most are in favour of saving those quarantined in L.A. However, a bearded RGP is of the opinion the sickies should be left to their fate to avoid a jurisdictional misstep. “You’re sentencing them all to death!” a good RGP cries. “If I could wave a magic wand I would!” the bearded one retorts. Clearly he’s a villain – he’s in favour of using magic! The good RGPs do manage to evacuate some of the people in L.A. before the comet arrives, destroying the city in the cheapest and most pathetic CGI I’ve ever seen.

Before that half-assed apocalypse, however, David and Lynn escape L.A. and track down the evacuated quarantined people in the mountains. Lynn tries to kiss David, but he refuses. This seems a fairly insignificant moment in the film, but according to the Bible Study questions in the disc’s special features, this is the moment when David is faced with Temptation (other questions deal with the film’s supposed Biblical accuracy). That he doesn’t give in to Adultery proves he is an upstanding Christian guy. When Lynn succumbs to her sickness shortly after, and refuses the cure so that David can keep what’s left for his daughter, she is seen to have redeemed herself for her attempted defilement of David’s marriage.

Basically, Lynn is a helpless female in need of rescuing, who becomes a Temptress for five seconds. If her entire purpose was to be a temptation for David, why did they wait for the very end of the movie? If they are trying to teach viewers about the sin of adultery, they have failed miserably.

After Lynn’s death, David is menaced by one last meteor shower before finding Kate, curing his daughter and getting rescued by a chopper. So the hell what? Joe Lando is a serviceable leading man, but the script from Brian Brinkman and director Micho Rutare (who also co-wrote Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus) doesn’t give him much to work with. This is Rutare’s second motion picture as director, and like SSM it was shot in 12 days. Faith Films, it would seem, is too cheap to go over that pitifully short schedule. I’m not sure that an extra few days would have made much difference, though. More love seems to have gone into the making of featurette; it’s the only time that Cooper Harris displays any kind of energy. Honestly, why couldn’t one of those random meteor showers have hit during pre-production and saved the world from this godly mess?

Meteor Apocalypse
Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 4
Acting/Direction - 3
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 2