Do You Flirt With Danger?

"...Timothy thought it was safe for him to hang out with grizzly bears." So begins this latest tract from Evangelical Tract Distributors, written by Roscoe Barnes III. I laughed hard when I read that line, and so should you.

I should have been pissed. After all, here's another tract that's using my name in vain! The message Roscoe is going for is so obvious, and the skill with which he delivers it so stupid, that I'm prepared to let that slight go.

As I'm sure you've guessed, things don't turn out so well for poor Timmy. "People warned him of the danger of" grizzly bears, but Tim "believed he was safe." Then, "despite his belief and good intentions, his rendez-vous with danger resulted in death."

Where is this heading, I don't hear any of you asking? "Like Timothy, we sometime feel we're on the right path," [the typo is Roscoe's, not mine] but "if we live without Christ" then we are "flirting with danger." In other words, if you haven't been Saved you are, essentially, kicking a grizzly bear in the nuts.

"Now that you have seen the warnings," Roscoe sums up, "you have a decision to make. Will you heed the warnings" and "accept God's offer" of Savedhood? Or "will you flirt with danger?" And get mauled by the bears of Hell?

Roscoe Barnes the Third has created a serviceable metaphor with this tract, one that demonstrates the jeopardy he believes the unSaved to be in. A thinking person will see the holes in his reasoning; one can choose to avoid bears, but (according to the theology Roscoe puts forth) Hell is a bunch of bears seeking you out. Plus, bears are real; there is plenty of physical, biological, tangible and visible evidence to prove their existence. There is no such evidence supporting Hell's reality. A person does not have to accept the threat that bears pose to our well-being on faith alone. They need only watch an episode of The Colbert Report.

Of course, there are plenty of non-thinking people who will accept this tract's message of fear at face (muzzle) value. Even they might have trouble taking this tract seriously, however, after reading that first sentence! "...safe to hang out with grizzly bears." That's paws-itively unbearable!

Do You Flirt With Danger?
Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 8
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Wonderful Signs

In this one, the Evangelical Tract Distributors take readers on another trip to crazytown. They present the reader with no less than ten stories of miraculous signs appearing in the sky (except one about writing on a wall). Most of the stories involve the formation of sentences in the heavens, like: "Be Ye Converted For Jesus Is Coming Soon." "The end. I come quickly." The other stories describe images in the sky, like "the distinct form of a man from the waist up," or "a distinct Cross with a silvery sheen on one side." In other words, not the sort of stuff the average Joe bears witness to on a daily basis. If these 'Signs' really happened and can be verified, then Wonderful Signs is the most convincing tract ever put to paper! If the Signs really happened. Let's say I took the time to look these up. Not easy, considering most of them lack crucial bits of information (names, dates, that sort of thing). But if I did look them up, would I find any truth to these dramatic sky-writing events? Okay, I went and took the time just now. I plugged in every word into Google that I could, and looked for some article that verified these stories' historical accuracy. The results? I found a couple of the stories online. With the same, word-for-word text as that printed in the tract. And all on Christian websites. I'm afraid I'll need to see an unbiased, secular reporting of the Signs if I'm to be convinced. But I did! I found more than two sites that verified the first Sign mentioned in the tract: the appearance of words in the sky, then "an angel with large white wings, at whose side arose a large Cross, and below whom stood the word, 'Amen'. They appeared in the night sky above Stavenger, Norway, on April 16, 1916. So there you have it. One story, verified (and not disputed) by outside sources. Tip of the hat, ETD. You did good. It proves nothing, of course, but it's more evidence than I usually see in a tract. A pity there is no account for the other nine stories. Maybe I just haven't found them yet; like I said, very little information was provided to aid in such a search. Too bad, because without some rock-solid proof that each of the ten events took place, the tract falls apart. Are we supposed to take the tract author's word on faith? At least this tract is entertaining. The details of the stories are fun, and I especially enjoyed the descriptions of non-believers witnessing the signs: "Some were unsaved, and when they saw the Cross in the sky great fear came upon them." And their names are...? Yes, I'm afraid it all comes back to that. I've made mention before about the lack of credibility most tracts have when they rely entirely on Scripture to back up their claims. Wonderful Signs tries to reach even further, attempting to make readers believe the claims of the Bible and each of these Signs, too. Suspension of disbelief will only stretch so far. Ironic, then, that ETD uses one leap in credibility (the majority of the Signs) to back up another (Scripture). At least they tried. Points for effort and substance, especially for the Stavenger, Norway story. Which, by the way, is really Stavanger, Norway. That was very nearly mind-blowing. Why isn't there more information on this event? Why no photographs? Sigh. "Well probably they are right after all," a couple of Sign-witnesses allegedly said, "referring no doubt to those who are expecting the coming of the Lord." Maybe they are, ETD, but you haven't convinced me yet. Try, try again, I'll be waiting. For now, I'll be Wonderful and Sign off. Likely to Convert - 5 Artwork - 4 Ability to Hold Interest - 7 Unintentional Hilarity - 5 Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

The Present

In my last review, I actually praised Jack T. Chick for his cartooning abilities. It was praise earned; in the world of fundamentalist cartoon tracts, Jack stands high above the rest. All that skill and craftsmanship are on display in The Present, but they are not enough to save the tract from an extreme case of lameness. The story is a simple one, starting with a fairy tale before moving on to Biblical ‘truth’. There’s this king who lives with his only son “in a palace high above the clouds.” How he and his kid can breathe up there is never explained. The king decides to build “apartments in my castle as a present for all” his son’s friends, and sends his Only Son (hint, hint) down to the people below to “invite them to the castle.” It turns out the people below are a nasty lot, and kind of dumb, too. When Sonny-boy tells them the king “has a wonderful present for you,” they assume “he’s lying” and tell him “We don’t want his present!” And then they kill the poor bastard. Yes, bastard. We never do see a queen. The king is understandably put out by the news of his son’s death, so he sends his army to attack the town, and “no one survived!” “The next part of this book,” Chick tells us, “IS TRUE.” He re-tells the story of Jesus, sent by his father from his castle above the clouds down to the people below to offer them a present. You see, there are “many mansions in heaven that HE wants people on earth to come live in.” Just like the king in that story! Jesus tells the people he’s the son of God, come to invite them all up to his heavenly mansions. The people suspect “he’s lying to us!” And, well, we all know how that story turned out. The idea Chick is trying to put forward here is that God (like that king) is offering a wonderful present that is so good, it would be utter foolishness to refuse it. He also makes it clear that rejecting the gift will lead to dire consequences. The stories don’t exactly match up – the prince doesn’t rise three days later to become the townsfolk’s saviour. Nevertheless, The Present presents the Christian faith as something wonderful to be obtained, a rare thing for any tract. The whole notion of Hell is left off-page until the very end, appearing as something of an afterthought. At least until the reader figures out that the gift of Jesus is an escape from the predicament God put them into in the first place! I just didn’t like this tract. I’m not especially outraged, I’m not particularly amused, and I’m barely entertained. The Present is the re-gifted tacky tie of tracts, best left in its wrapping under the tree. Likely to Convert - 2 Artwork - 7 Ability to Hold Interest - 4 Unintentional Hilarity - 6 Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Heaven

Here’s a tract that looks like it might be fun, what with the cartoons and everything. Sadly, the Fellowship Tract League can’t make a decent cartoon to save your soul. It starts out with a pale naked man with no penis looking up at the title in a cloud. “Boy! I’d sure like to go there!!” he says, uttering the only line of dialogue. The rest of the tract uses scripture quotes to provide context to the cartoons; each panel has at least two verses attached to it. A large brick wall, labeled SIN, pushes the pale naked man with no penis toward a cliff over the fiery pit of HELL. The brick wall has a human arm that points down at the scary flames, just in case there is any confusion about where the SIN is pushing him. Luckily, a cross-shaped bridge appears, allowing the pale naked man with no penis to cross over HELL’s flames to Heaven. This makes the pale naked man very happy. Even though he has no penis. Heaven is a simple little story that teaches all the main points about Christianity. Well done. A shame it won’t win any converts. It’s the cartoons; sure, they’ll keep the average reader on the page, but the style is too goofy to be taken seriously. Jack Chick knows the balance a cartoonist must strike when drawing a serious-minded comic strip. The uncredited artist on this tract does not. When you consider the fact that the rest of the tract is nothing but Bible quotes, one can see how the League have booked yet another ticket to Loserville. Wow, I never thought I’d compliment Jack Chick! He may be as loony as a roll of dollar coins, but the man knows his craft. Try again, Fellowship Tract League. Likely to Convert - 1 Artwork - 4 Ability to Hold Interest - 2 Unintentional Hilarity - 2 Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Flight 144

It's been a while since I've had the dubious pleasure of finding a Chick Tract out in the world. This one had been placed atop a pay phone in a subway station, and I spotted it as my train pulled in. I was on my way to a job interview and had two more stops to go, but I hopped off the train to grab it anyway. Such is my dedication to this blog. But enough about me! As you have no doubt surmised from the title, this tract is about some airline passengers. And if you guessed that their plane is doomed, give yourself a pat on the back. On board the doomed Flight 144 we meet Rev. Davidson and his wife, a pair of missionaries returning to America after a 50-year stint in Africa building schools and hospitals ("one just for lepers")and helping poor people in need. And did I mention they are heading for the USA "to raise funds for another hospital"? Well, they are. What a lovely couple of do-gooders. They are surely bound for Heaven when they die, right? First, don't call me Shirley (come on, this is a tract about an airplane!). Secondly, no they are not. Not according to Ed, the handsome and smiling young man the Davidsons sit next to. He seems like a nice guy, even when he freely admits "I killed a guy in a drunken brawl. I just got out of jail last week." What a terrific way to start a conversation! Ed goes on to ask the Davidsons "how many sinners have been saved through your ministry?" Like it's a contest or something. And maybe it is. Ed talks about them getting crowns in Heaven for their efforts. However, when Ed realizes the Davidsons "DON'T tell people how to get saved," he gets all righteous indignation on them. Their "good works are fine," but they "can't save ANYONE!" He tries to Save them, but then the plane crashes into the ocean and everybody dies. Too late, Davidsons! Ed the drunken brawl killer gets to go to his "beautiful mansion in heaven," but the missionaries have a date with Ol' Faceless. And it's gonna be a date from Hell. Faceless tells the Davidsons their lives of kindness and sacrifice are essentially meaningless, since neither of them were Saved. He also implies very strongly that no one from any other religion will escape Hell, since He is the Way, the Truth, the Life, and all that jazz. "This is HORRIFYING!" Rev. Davidson says, right before the angels throw him and his wife face-first into Flame County (is Flame County funny? Be honest. I was also thinking of Burntimore.) You know, I'm starting to recognize tracts like this one for what they are - revenge fantasies. How smug must Jack and other tract makers feel, knowing that they are Right and have the Truth while everyone else is basically just a walking, talking Instant-Light briquette? Visualizing such a fate on paper, complete with the "YAAAAAH!" of those fools who wouldn't listen (or take you seriously)... well, that's almost as good as the real thing, right? The cartoon art in Flight 144 is up to Jack's usual high standard, especially the facial expressions of the doomed Davidsons. And the image of the angels tossing them into Hell is awesome. I really like the image of Rev. Davidson protecting his wife from their god. The look on his face seems to say, "Don't come near her, you monster!" I'm sure that's not what Jack T. intended. The message of this tract is fairly standard; nothing but Jesus will get you into Heaven. Chick has explored this theme many times before, going through the things that won't spare you from Hell one by one. Flight 144 explores Good Works (and uses the words 'good works' no less than eleven times, twelve if you count 'wonderful works'). Others have explored being lawful, going to church, being ordained, being Jewish or Muslim or Catholic, etc... Flight 144 isn't so much disturbing as it is arrogant. Okay, yes, it's definitely disturbing, but the arrogance is just as strong. Chick presents a faceless God without any redeeming features - the reader is given no reason to want HIM. The only reason anyone would follow HIM would be out of sheer terror. Or the possibility of a beautiful mansion. Terror or greed, then. And these are the 'Good' guys? As far as the characters go, I like the Davidsons a lot more than Ed. He confesses to murder the way I'd confess to farting in public - no remorse at all. And he's pushy, too. And a self-righteous holier-than-thou know-it-all. But he's Saved, so he gets a heavenly mansion. The Davidsons, by contrast, are polite, friendly and self-sacrificing, even if Rev. D does love to toot his own horn. They are the ones I identify with and root for. So when Ol' Faceless sends them on a nose-dive to San Flamecisco (or the Poachian Gulf), I don't immediately see why HE is RIGHT. Perhaps this tract is meant for other Christians, who are UnSaved and believing they are Good Enough. Jack has a much better chance of reaching them. When it comes to secular people, though, Jack's efforts crash and burn. Likely to Convert - 2 Artwork - 7 Ability to Hold Interest - 6 Unintentional Hilarity - 6 Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

2012 Doomsday

When reviewing a movie like this one, I like to watch the DVD with a notebook in hand. That way, I can pause while I scribble notes and rewind to capture the more hilarious quotes. Such is not the case this time; I sat down to watch what looked to be a lame end-of-the-world thriller from The Asylum(Mega Piranha, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Transmorphers, Titanic II), only to discover it was in fact "a modern Christian epic in the tradition of The Omega Code" from The Asylum and Faith Films(Meteor Apocalypse, Sunday School Musical). I didn't make notes, so this review won't be quite as thorough and nit-picky as I like to be. I had to review it, though. Too good an opportunity to miss!

2012 Doomsday stars a group of unknowns as a bunch of half-dimensional characters in a mad rush to get to the pyramids at Chichen Itza before Doomsday. The year is 2012, when the Mayan long count calendar ends, and according to a bunch of prophecies (both Mayan and Christian) the Biblical End Times are upon us. If those characters don't get to Chichen Itza in time... well, that would be one of the plot problems right there.

You see, the Doomsday stuff (earthquakes, tsunamis, hail) are going to happen regardless of what any of them do. One character discovers the Earth's rotation is slowing down due to its alignment with the black hole in the centre of the galaxy, which will result in all manner of poorly animated CGI. The 'heroes' aren't going to stop anything by getting to the pyramid, and the consequences of their failure is never made clear.

All the characters (if you must know, the main ones are Susan, Sarah, Lloyd, Wakanna and Frank) have their own reasons for their pyramid race, ranging from good to lame to WTF. Frank found a crucifix in a Mayan archaeological dig, and a translated inscription reveals he must get it to Chichen Itza. Wakanna is about to give birth, and believes God wants her to have the baby in the pyramid. Susan and Sarah are sent by a feeling they can't explain, and Lloyd goes because Sarah is his daughter. Bad things happen to them along the way, and they all end up getting Faith.

2012 Doomsday is a terrible movie, with absolutely nothing with which to redeem itself. The writing is awful, in terms of dialogue, story points and logic. The actors sleepwalk through their parts, but one can't blame them; there is nothing remotely interesting about their characters. Their motivations are unclear, their interactions contrived, and character arcs range from predictable to non-existent.

Most scenes begin with text at the bottom of the screen, indicating how many hours remain until Doomsday. You'd expect that clock to tick steadily downwards, but it does not. Some scenes indicate only 8 hours remain, only to tell us 14 hours remain in the next scene. Was there a problem in the editing room, or is this just stupidity?

One scene that gave me a chuckle involved three characters in an SUV dodging hail in Mexico (just go with it). One hailstone smashes through the windshield and goes right through the driver's chest. Luckily he manages to say the Salvation prayer before he dies. And luckily for the other two, the hailstorm stops the moment their driver is hit. And, in spite of his massive chest wound, the driver still manages to park the SUV on the side of the road! The unintended laughs are a welcome relief, because they are few and very far between.

And the end? Is all revealed, giving sense to seemingly senseless story points? As a writer, I couldn't help but try to anticipate where the movie was going. Will the crucifix turn out to be magical, and getting it to the pyramid will save the world? No. Is the pregnant woman about to give birth to a Christ-like messiah? No. The resolution the film comes up with is too lame for words. We don't even get the big special-effects payoff that the box art suggests. Instead, the Doomsday sequence is poor, cheap, and over far too quickly.

Oh, and three-quarters of the way through the film, the Rapture happens. Blink and you'll miss it. If this is the best that Faith Films can produce, they'll likely face their own doomsday soon enough.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 0
Acting/Direction - 0
Likely To Be Sat Through - 1
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1