Signs Of The Times

Time for some prophecy. It's a wonderful thing, prophecy is. You can say anything will happen, and nobody can prove you wrong. Especially if you don't give any kind of time-frame for when stuff is coming.

Signs Of The Times discusses the End-Times prophecies from the Book of Revelations. Apparently, "many thoughtful persons" think the 'end of the age' is approaching, due to all kinds of 'signs'. What are those signs? "Materialism engulfing whole continents," "unrest and suspicion between scores of nations," and "the appalling standards of 'flaming youth'." Oh, and also "two giant world powers engaged in an endless war of nerves." Two world powers? When was this tract written? Actually I don't know - there's no copyright date on it - but I suspect that last sign is a bit behind the times.

Not that it matters. "Whether these 'signs' are correctly interpreted or not," the tract says, "there is an urgent need of preparation for the Lord's Return." The rest of the tract deals exclusively with prophecies of Jesus Christ's return, and no further mention is made of those 'timely signs'. Not even the flaming youth! Only one small paragraph of this tract is on topic, so why did they title it Signs Of The Times? Cuz they gotta call it something, that's why.

Like so many tracts before it, Signs Of The Times assumes you the reader will see everything from their point of view. It says terrible things will happen to us if we aren't ready for Jesus' Return. "What is it about (those terrible things) that appeals to you, dear reader?" Not much, but the prospect of joining a religion just so some deity won't hurt me isn't very appealing, either. And why should I believe the terrible things will actually happen? The tract writer could have at least tried to tie the 'signs of the times' to Biblical prophecy. that would have been something. Not enough to convince me, but something none the less.

What a disappointment. If this tract is a sign of Evangelical Tract Distributors' quality, then their creative apocalypse is certainly nigh.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 2
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

You Shouldn't Read This

...unless, the inside of this tract warns, "you intend to do something about it!" Another one from Evangelical Tract Distributors, this one has the benefit of a gimmick that almost makes reading it worthwhile.

What doesn't make it worthwhile, in my opinion, is that it is yet another tract written in retaliation to the way tracts(and tract-givers) are treated by the general public. "If, after reading (that Jesus died for you), you are preparing to throw this folder away, uninterested, you should not have read it at all!"

And it doesn't stop there. The tract assumes "you will go about your daily work tomorrow," remembering Christ's name "only in the curses you invoke on the weather, bad drivers, or your business associates." And when you die, "that Gospel preacher you so successfully avoided" will tell everyone you are in Heaven "when he suspects, and YOU KNOW that you are in HELL!"

Or you can repent, become a Christian, and "prove that, after all, you should have read this."

I doubt the motives of a tract writer who says you will go to HELL if you throw their tract away. It smacks of smugness, and not a little bit of self-pity. I really don't think either trait will win new converts over. It's too bad; the gimmick of this tract is good, but the follow-through is such a letdown. You really shouldn't read this tract, unless you intend to have a quiet chuckle.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 2

Repentance: Your First Steps To Peace With God

My category for unintentional hilarity has never been more appropriate than for this offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors and writer Raymond Leeson. If anything, it's a case of the author seeing only what he wants to see.

Raymond describes talking to a man in his office, a man who was "expressing utter dejection." Raymond responds by telling him that God could make his life better, "to no avail."

"My friend was so down," Ray says, "that even as I shared the possibility that there was hope for his future, his depression noticeably deepened."

Wait, it gets better.

"Each time God was mentioned," Ray goes on, "he would become uncomfortable and change the subject."

And what does Raymond think is the reason for his friend's behaviour?

"Could it be," he postulates, "that my friend understood something about God's message that is so often missed, i.e. the need to repent?"

Yeeeeeah. Sure, Ray, that must be it. "He felt very uncomfortable about his sin, and what God thought about him." This is Raymond's opinion, of course, based on some... how shall we say, questionable logic. But who needs logic or facts when writing a tract? Besides, Ray wants to discuss Repentance(it is the title, after all) and that story was his best way in. That's a stretch, Ray, a real stretch.

The rest of the tract tells us worthless sinners the usual stuff about how we'll all go to Hell unless we get right with God. The process of repentance is broken into three steps: "genuine sorrow" for your sins, "inward repugnance to sin," and "a humble self-surrender to God's will and service." Then Ray gives us a splendid contradiction when he tells us "repentance is not a condition of salvation" because "salvation is free in Christ, but repentance is the condition through which we are able to receive salvation as a free gift." Sounds pretty conditional to me, Raymond.

For sheer juvenile laughs, I can't resist this next bit. Ray asks us, once we have invited Christ into our lives, "will you let Him have His way with you?"

Yes, this tract is really funny, clearly not what author Raymond intended. It might even cheer up someone who is "expressing utter dejection." I know it made my day.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 5
Unintentional Hilarity - 9
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

When The World is On Fire

I've pointed out many times in the past how tracts rarely if ever supply factual evidence to back up their claims. Never has that point been driven home more hilariously than in this offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors.

"Friends," the tract begins, "let us face the facts!" Then it goes on to offer no facts whatsoever.

When The World Is On Fire discusses the Biblical apocalypse, with the AntiChrist, the Rapture, the Tribulation and all that stuff. Readers are told we can avoid all that crap if we become Christians(no surprise there), and warns us we will face "a terrible day" if we do not.

What 'facts' are we supposed to be facing? Author Harold Brenneman seems to expect us to take his word for it, offering only a few quotes from scripture to back up his doomsaying. This is nothing new, like I said, but Harold's insistence that we "face the facts" without providing any makes him look like a bit of a dum-dum.

And did I mention he does it twice? "Friends, be sane enough to face the facts," he says in the tract's midsection. Maybe he thinks if he says it often enough, readers will believe they've been given something tangible.

While this tract is devoid of factual evidence, however, it has an overabundance of fear and melodrama. "When your house is on fire you flee to safety, but where will you flee when the world's on fire?" I don't know... maybe a lake? "Why will men be such fools as to attempt their own salvation?"

This tract is also notable for some eye-catching typos. Come on, Harold, that's just lazy. And your tract can't be taken seriously. "Oh friend, who shall be able to stand?" Not many, Harold. We'll be on the ground, laughing.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 6
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

Bibleman: Conquering the Wrath of Rage

Every now and then, my quest for religious weirdness leads me to something you really need to see to believe it exists. Readers, I give you Bibleman.

Yes, Bibleman, a superhero for Christ. He fights evil in a spandex suit, wielding a lightsabre-like weapon called the Sword of the Spirit. In fact, his entire outfit is the Armor of God from Eph 6:10-17: the waistbelt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shoes of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, jockstrap of chastity... okay, I made that last one up at my wife's request, but the rest of it is all part of Bibleman's Full Armor Sequence when he dresses up to go fight sin.

Needless to say, this is a kid's video. It's also part of a series from Pamplin entertainment, with each episode dealing with a different problem. Conquering the Wrath of Rage deals with - you guessed it - anger management.

Bibleman stars former child star Willie Aames(Charles in Charge), who also produces and directs. He gives the show a tone similar to the old Adam West Batman show, with plenty of action and humour. Some of the jokes are even funny. Bibleman is, by far, the best Christian video I've yet seen.

If only that were saying something.

The story is simple enough. The dastardly El Furioso and his hench-dude Ludicrous(not the rapper) have developed a potent gold dust that brings out the rage in people. He successfully tests it on a kid named Jordan, and on Bibleman himself. Bibleman talks to Jordan at the request of his grandmother(Jordan's, not Bibleman's) and tries to make him see sense. Trouble is, Bibleman is dealing with his own issues; he recently lost his original partner, and an annoying guy named Cypher(named after his mother, perhaps?) keeps pestering him to let him be his new sidekick.

Can Bibleman save Jordan, defeat El Furioso and accept Cypher's help and friendship? Duh. It's a Christian video, aimed at kids. What else is gonna happen?

In spite of the predictability of the plot and general lack of acting skills when it counts (when sprinkled with the evil dust, Bibleman and Jordan seem more irritated than angry), this video also has some strange moments. The story begins with Bibleman dueling with two gun-toting villains(who they are is never explained). Bibleman gets a whiff of the gold dust, lets out a battlecry, and KILLS ONE OF THEM!!! The moment holds no gravity; Cypher seems more concerned that his friend lost his cool. "You always told me the fastest way to lose a fight is to lose your temper," Cypher says, when he should be saying, "Crap, man! you just killed a guy!"

Also strange is the inclusion of a scene in which Bibleman and Cypher stop a fight between Jordan and another boy. They wait in a nearby hedge as Jordan and the boy make threats at each other, waiting for El Furioso to make his move. Yes, two grown men in spandex outfits watching a pair of young boys from the bushes. Nothing wrong with that image! And why do they wait until El Furioso has dumped the fury dust on Jordan to intervene? Shouldn't heroic types try to prevent that sort of thing? And telling Jordan he has a bad attitude after he's been doused with a mood-altering substance is just mean.

Even stranger is the scene immediately before this one. Bibleman tells Cypher of a talk he's had with Jordan's grandmother, in which she revealed the details of Jordan's upcoming fight. Apparently granny overheard Jordan challenging the other kid to a fight, complete with time and place. Isn't it great that kids these days have such well-scheduled fights? Instead of doing something about it, granny calls Bibleman. It seems parental responsibility goes out the window when a spandex-clad hero is available.

And don't get me started on El Furioso's song and dance number. Or the fact that he has a lightsabre... er, Sword of the Spirit to fight Bibleman with(did George Lucas have a garage sale or something?).

The video does have some redeeming qualities, such as character development. Bibleman is affected by the fury dust because he hasn't dealt with his feelings over the loss of his former partner. Willie Aames' willingness to let Bibleman be less than perfect gives the character a tiny bit of depth. The same is true for Jordan, whose parents were killed in a car crash(which explains why he's so easy to anger, and why he lives with his grandmother). The other characters, however, are just window dressing, ranging from useless(like Jordan's granny) to annoying(Ludicrous & Cypher).

Like I said, this is one of the best Christian videos I've seen. However, as a children's video teaching the benefits of not giving in to anger, Bibleman is sorely lacking. Nothing is really resolved by the end; Bibleman offers empty Biblical platitudes to Jordan, then pulling an Obi Wan Kenobi during his final duel with El Furioso. Refusing to give in to anger, Bibleman lowers his sword and lets El Furioso strike him. At the last second a magical sheild from God surrounds Bibleman, saving him and reducing El Flurioso to a puddle of goo. If the message here is to tell kids to wait for the magic God sheild, they are going to be disappointed. And possibly chopped in half.

So now you've met Bibleman, an unique experience to say the least. If you have to watch a Christian kid's video, you could do a lot worse. I mean, you could get stuck with Commander Kellie.

Likely To Convert - 2
Production Values - 4
Acting/Direction - 3
Likely To Be Sat Through - 8
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Intentional Hilarity - 5
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

Well, that brings my video reviewing to a close for now. It was fun to do something a little different for a while, but watching and writing about these things is a lot more trouble than it's worth. I might do some more later, but for now It's back to tracts for this blog.

Left Behind: The Movie

And now the big one! Left Behind is that rarest of rare things - a Christian movie that almost went mainstream. It even made it to cinema screens! Wow! Good for them. Of course, it vanished from those same screens pretty quickly...

Produced by Cloud Ten Pictures, Left Behind is based on the bestselling novel of the same name. I've read the book, and can confirm the movie is... ahem, faithful. I can also confirm that the movie is a big stinking pile of crap from start to finish.

It's bigger in scale than Cloud Ten's other films (like Deceived), and has a much bigger budget (and production values). Clearly, they were pulling out all the proverbial stops on this one. If only they'd spent some of their budget on a decent script.

Left Behind tells the story of the Rapture, an alleged Biblically-predicted event that will herald the onset of the Last Days. Supposedly, all the faithful Christians will vanish from the planet, leaving the nonbelievers to face seven years of Tribulation under the rule of the AntiChrist.

The authors of the novel, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, asked a simple question: what if the Rapture happened in our time (or the near future)? The book, and now the film, looks at the events leading up to the Rapture, and how the world copes afterward. Not a bad premise for a story, but if you want to convince unbelievers you have to have good execution.

(Warning: Spoiler Alert...)

The story starts in the Middle East, with plucky reporter Buck Williams (yes, his name is Buck, you may now laugh) covering a special secret formula called Eden (keep laughing) that allows crops to grow in the desert. Eden's creator, Dr. Rosenzweig(Colin Fox), says he will only give the formula to those who will work to create peace for Israel. Peace doesn't come right away, because all of a sudden a million jet fighters descend upon the country in a surprise sneak attack. For some reason, the jets waste missiles firing at Buck(played by Left Behind II's Kirk Cameron) and Rosenzweig, who are really just a couple of guys in the desert. Are they really worth missiles that could be used on a military target? Probably not, but it does add a pinch of excitement. All the planes mysteriously explode over Israel, without Israel firing a shot. What, Buck wonders, was that all about?

Across the world, airline pilot Rayford Steele (yes, his name is Steele, you may laugh again) prepares to leave for work, even though he will miss his son Tom's birthday party. He does this to avoid his wife, who has gone all Christian on him. His daughter Chloe (Left Behind II's Janaya Stephens) asks why he won't at least pretend to take an interest in Mom's preaching the way she does, but Ray (Left Behind II's Brad Johnson) doesn't want to deal with that God stuff. Guess he's not gettin' raptured. Dialogue between sister and brother Steele also reveals who is rapture-ready: Chloe - "You always do as you're told?" Tom - "Yeah. You should try it sometime."

Meanwhile, in a sinister English castle that looks a lot like Casa Loma, two banker dudes and their buddy Nicolae Carpathia(Left Behind II's Gordon Currie) scheme and plot. It seems the banker dudes have set up Nicky Carpathia to take over as head of the United Nations. Seems like somebody's looking to take over the world... When Nicky Carp leaves the room, the bankers discuss an employee named Dirk Burton(a buddy of Buck's) who is trying to bust their scheme wide open. "I'd say that Mr. Burton will have to sacrifice his pension... and his health benefits." Bwa-ha-ha, aren't they evil?

Buck Williams boards a plane to London to follow up on something his buddy Dirk told him. He talks to Hattie(Left Behind II's Chelsea Noble), a stewardess whom he'd helped land a job at the United Nations. And guess what? The plane just happens to be the one that Ray Steele is piloting! Will those three become enmeshed in the dramatic events soon to follow?

What's more, Ray's been flirting with Hattie, big time! Nope, he's definitely not getttin' raptured. Of course, the novel authors and film writers could have been even more daring - Ray could have been having an actual affair with Hattie, with sex and everything - but this is a Christian production and they don't do that sort of thing.

Finally, somewhere over the Atlantic, the event we've all been waiting for... THE RAPTURE!!! Was there some great big expensive special effects sequence showing millions of Christians worldwide vanishing into the sky? Nope. No effects shots, not even a lousy in-camera trick. The raptured folks are just gone.

In spite of the disappointing lack of effects, the big event is still handled well. We start small, with the people on the plane realizing a bunch of people are missing. It is truly amazing how many devout Christians there are on that plane just then! All that remains of them are their clothes, jewellery, and of course crucifixes.

Next we turn to Chloe, who runs afoul of a traffic snarl caused by raptured drivers. Pretty soon, we learn the event is worldwide. Panic! Horror! Despair! Oh my. All flights are grounded, but Ray agrees to help Buck get back to New York by helping him find a pilot for hire. Then Ray rushes home and finds his wife and son are gone, so he starts reading his wife's Bible. Chloe comes home and starts to cry, and the acting goes from bad to cringe-worthy.

The bad guy bankers get another scene, and the bad acting and bad dialogue collide. When discussing how they can use this worldwide event ot their advantage, one of them says: "Never wait for opportunity to knock. Yank open the door and drag it screaming and kicking inside."

But that's nowhere near as bad as my favourite scene from the whole movie, the scene where Ray's wife's pastor sits alone in his church, musing about why he wasn't taken. Honestly, you have to see it to understand how truly bad and unintentionally hilarious it is. "What a fraud I am," Pastor Bruce Barnes says. "I'm living a lie... I'm living a lie." It seems that Brucie didn't really believe his own message, which conveniently leaves one guy on Earth who can supply necessary exposition. Ray finds him, they both get Saved, and then Ray heads out to Save Chloe. He also tries to save Hattie, who drops by for some more flirting. Ray doesn't want a sinful relationship, and Hattie doesn't want God, so that's it for those two.

Buck meets a CIA guy in Chicago, a guy his buddy Dirk contacted. They figure out that the evil bankers are going to bankrupt the UN with their buddy Nicky Carpy while simultaneously getting their hands on the Eden formula. "They're trying to control the world's food supply!" Buck gasps, but before they can bust this thing wide open, the CIA guy's car explodes. Buck would have been in the car with him, but he was busy giving a homeless lady some change. No, I'm not making that up, that's what happened. Buck, injured, goes to the only people in Chicago he trusts - the Steeles. Ray and Chloe take him to the church, where a convenient emergency centre has been set up, and the converting of Buck goes into full swing. Pastor Barnes and Ray provide Biblical explanations for everything that's going on, and Buck is convinced way too easily.

However, he doesn't quite get Saved yet. Instead, Buck heads for the UN to warn his buddy Rosenzweig and their mutual buddy Nicolae Carpathia about what the evil bankers are up to. Then, following a revelation revealing how Nicky Carpy will bring peace to the Middle East, Buck realizes all that Bible stuff was true. He ducks into the UN bathroom to get Saved, and soppy uplifting music plays to make sure we get the gravity of this moment.

The movie ends with the revelation that Nicky, not his evil banker buddies, was the AntiChrist all along. He kills the bankers and works his mind mojo on the UN, but Buck is immune because he's got Jesus now. He escapes and gets back to the Steeles in the church, where they prepare for the sequels that will prolong their acting careers. In a voiceover, Buck tells us "I don't have all the answers, but for now, faith is enough." The question is, will faith be enough for viewers.

Not if they're not already Christians. I can't see any non-believers being converted by this movie, let alone enjoying it on the level of an action blockbuster. Like the Commander Kellie video, this movie is so full of earnestness and importance and message that it forgets the cardinal rule of not sucking. When the acting is at its best, it is soap opera melodrama. And when it is bad, it is baaaaddd. How bad? Christian movie bad. There's no other word for it. Director Vic Sarin has no idea how to build suspense or stage drama, and the best you can say for the screenwriters is that they successfully condensed the novel into a 95 minute film.

One glaring omission is why God is doing this to humanity. Sure, the Rapture happens to spare the faithful from the horrors of the Tribulation before Jesus returns to set everything right, but that doesn't explain why God planned it that way. Sure, it's "in the Bible", but so what? The big picture makes no sense to me, and Left Behind(the book and the movie) does not provide enlightenment.

"What does it matter what we think we know?" Buck asks in a voiceover at the beginning. "In the end, there's no denying the truth." And the truth is, this movie is just plain awful. Watch it only if you want a mild chuckle.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 7
Acting/Direction - 3
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 9
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Revival of Evil

Here we have an informed documentary on the occult in our society, made in what has to be the early Eighties (I couldn't find a date, so I went by the hairstyles). "Is today's REVIVAL OF EVIL setting the stage for the antichrist?" asks the back packaging for this video by New Liberty Films. If it is, the antichrist is sure taking is sweet time.

Revival of Evil is primarily a talking heads documentary, with talks given by people who have experienced the supernatural in their lives. Some claim to have had psychic powers, one (nightclub owner Mike Putini) discusses the occult in rock music, and then there's international occult expert Dave Hunt. We also get a look inside the First Church of Satan, founded and run by Anton LaVey. It's exactly what you would think - people in dark robes praying to Satan.

Each psychic person tells their story in small chunks, intercut with each other. There's Jim Gold, an entertainer and Gospel singer, who claims he could move objects with his mind. Susan Brooks, a wife and mother, performed seances in her mom's basement. Dave hansen, a teacher, got into Satanism. Carole Carmichael, a spiritual counterfeits counsellor, got astral powers from Yoga, and Mike Putini... well, he basically just went to rock concerts.

And then there's Dave Hunt, the expert. He's seen wandering around inside a library, looking intellectual. There's a shot of him slotting a book back onto a shelf before he starts talking, as if he'd just been reading something quite fascinating. He's clearly done a lot of research, but he still comes off as someone whose only source of 'facts' is the Bible. "The modern western mind is being psychologically programmed to accept the religion of the antichrist," Hunt tells us, "which I believe will be a merger between modern science and eastern mysticism, or occultism." Woah, did he just say that eastern mysticism is the same thing as the occult? You bet he did! And he's just warming up. Next he has a go at Hindu gods, "which the Bible says are demons."

Pick an occult subject, and Dave Hunt's got an answer for you. "The souls and spirits of the dead are either in Heaven or Hell and can't communicate with the living," he says, so therefore all spirits contacted by seances and mediums are really demons. What about reincarnation? "There are only two possible explanations," he says when discussing regression hypnotherapy, used to regress a subject back into prior lives. "Either reincarnation is true, which the Bible denies... or an impersonating demon is speaking through the hypnotized person, spreading the same old lies." Pretty clear cut, eh? It must be a demon spreading lies, because the Bible says there's no reincarnation. End of story.

Everything that isn't Biblical is demonic to him, it seems. "The apparitions from seances, haunted houses and ghostly shapes and shadows that appear on the walls of children's bedrooms, and fascinate and draw them into the occult, are demonic manifestations. So are UFOs." He does have some interesting tidbits along the way, though. He reveals that in 1967, Ouija boards replaced Monopoly as America's #1 parlour game. He also talks about Ouija boards used in lab conditions, where blindfolded people were still able to spell out clear messages with them.

But enough about him. Let's get to the rock and roll stuff! Mike Putini talks about the use of Satanism and the occult in rock music, as if that were a big secret. The band name KISS, he says, stands for Kings In Satan's Service, and the band members were deliberately made up to look like demons. He also talks about rock groups like Led Zeppelin and the Beatles using 'backwards masking' to put messages into their songs. Yep, he's talking about playing records backwards to hear Satanic messages! Anyone else remember that?

Mike's best story is that a friend told him the untimely deaths in the rock world were due to deals with the Devil. Singers like Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix died so young because they sold their souls for fame and power, and Satan came to collect. I guess that's a more interesting story than simply saying they overdosed and drowned in their own vomit.

This film was interesting to watch from the perspective of looking back at Christian attitudes from the 1980's, and how they haven't really changed all that much. The stories from the psychic people are also interesting - if you can believe them. Dave Hunt's stuffy intellectualism doesn't convince me, but he might get through to others. The film would be more convincing, however, if there was more discussion from both sides of the issue; we only hear from people who wound up thinking that anything supernatural was bad. This movie clearly isn't out for a balanced discussion on the topic - it's right there in the title. The movie isn't called Revival of Spiritualism or Revival of the Supernatural or even Revival of the Occult - it's Revival of Evil.

"The Book of Revelation seems to indicate," Dave Hunt says, "that in the Last Days, sorcery would be revived." Maybe, Dave, but it's 20 years later and the apocalypse still hasn't happened. The only thing I see that needs reviving is your closed mind.

Likely To Convert - 3
Production Values - 4
Acting/Direction - 6
Likely To Be Sat Through - 6
Unintentional Hilarity - 5
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 7