Left Behind II: Tribulation Force

Back in March of 2012, Kirk Cameron returned from irrelevance to denounce the gay lifestyle as being 'detrimental to civilization' or some such rubbish. And, he claims he spoke those words out of love! That whacky guy. You never know which foot he's going to stick in his mouth next.

Just after he made those comments, I decided the time was right to look at some of his past work on God's behalf. I'd already reviewed Left Behind: The Movie, so I moved on to the blockbusting direct-to-video sequel, Left Behind II: Tribulation Force.

And then I deleted my review. It was loaded with images that may or may not have been copyrighted, and I was taking no chances. I liked my review, though, and I plan to get around to the third movie, Left Behind: World At War, at some point, so here it is once more.

Based on the second novel in Tim Lahaye/Jerry B. Jenkins Left Behind series, T-Force brings us back to the days following the Rapture. One week has passed since the events of the first movie; plucky reporter Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron) provides necessary exposition in the form of a news broadcast, bringing the audience back up to speed.

Things have been going really well for Nicholae Carpathia(Gordon Currie), otherwise known as the Antichrist; he's become the Secretary General of the United Nations. The rest of the UN want to make him the leader of the world - they practically beg him to do it! They also want a one-world currency, all according to Nicky's plans.

And according to prophecy; all this stuff is in the Bible, after all, which leaves the newly-formed Tribulation Force (Buck, Pastor Bruce Barns(Clarence Gilyard), Ray & Chloe Steele) in a bit of a quandary. "We can't change the events of the Bible," Bruce says when Chloe asks how they can stop Nicky-boy. When she asks what they can do, Bruce replies: "Fight him." Isn't that like trying to stop him...?

The plot involves two important tidbits: 1, the Wailing Wall has been "shut down" due to the mysterious deaths of three men; and 2, Rabbi Tsion Ben-Judah is going to go on global television (GNN) to unveil 'the single biggest piece of news in history." Bruce Barns says the deaths at the Wall might have been due to the Two Witnesses, prophesied to come from Heaven during the Last Days to Preach the Word and shoot "fire from Heaven" at people they don't like. Buck decides to go to Jerusalem to confirm the presence of the Witnesses, because apparently Bruce's word and the Bible's Word isn't good enough. This does not sit well with Chloe(Janaya Stephens), whom the screenwriters have chosen to portray as a bratty teen (even though she's in her 20s). When she asks why someone else can't go instead, Buck replies, "Because I don't trust anybody else to stick to our mission." He appears blissfully unaware that he has just insulted everyone in the room. Not to worry; they didn't notice the put-down, either.

Further plans are drawn up, and Chloe pouts for all she's worth. Bruce thinks that Ray Steele(Brad Johnson) should go for the job of pilot for Carpathia. Ray disagrees strenuously; "We're talking about the AntiChrist here!" he says with a straight face. "We need the information to save souls, Ray!" Bruce replies with an even straighter face. Ray is forced to admit he's been out-faced, so he agrees.

In spite of the immediacy of these plans, the script calls for some filler to throw off the pace. Bruce leads a church service to explain the Rapture and save souls. One guy rolls his eyes and asks, "So what's gonna happen?" That guy was played by none other than The Daily Show's Jason Jones! This unexpected cameo was, for me, the most exciting moment in the film.

The second and much longer bit of filler involves Chloe, Buck, and a misunderstanding so contrived that even an 80s sitcom wouldn't touch it. Chloe, who has the hots for Bucky, goes to Buck's place and finds his assistant Ivy Gold(Krista Bridges) there instead. Ivy has an engagement ring on her finger, and Chloe jumps feet-first into the wrong conclusion. Being the grown up that she is, Chloe gives Buck the silent treatment and hangs up on him when he calls. It's not until Ray tricks her into talking to Buck that she realizes she put two and two together and got moron. Seriously, what does Buck see in her? And why does this movie waste so much time on this bit of dumbassery?

Screenwriters' Paul Lalonde and John Patus must have realized they couldn't do anything better with Chloe's character, either. When they finally get back to the plot, Chloe gets left behind (pun intended).

Speaking of that plot, Ray becomes Nick's pilot and Buck strikes a deal with His Nickyness to be his media guy. Ray goes to his ex-flirt Hattie Durham (Chelsea Noble) and convinces her to get him the job. It's not an easy sell - she's still mad about the affair they didn't have, and concerned about his status as a 'Bible thumper.' Ray lies his ass off, and manages to win her over.

This scene is, incidentally, Chelsea's only real appearance in the movie (apart from a couple of shots of her standing behind Nicholae). And yet, she gets top billing. And, in the making of featurette in the DVD's extras, she says she did the film because of the "great script."

Buck's meeting with Nick Carpathia is a lot less interesting. Paul and John don't write it so much as order up dialogue from a random clichee generator. Nicky wants Buck to be his media guy "because people trust you." Buck actually says, "And if I refuse?" Nick chuckles good-naturedly and says, "I don't think you can." There's a similar scene between Ray and Nicky, and it is no less painful.

The third act finally arrives, and we are off to the Toronto location that looks like Israel. Ray and Buck discover that Rabbi Ben-Juda will announce that Nicholae Carpeltunnel is the Messiah of prophecy. And Buck is going to broadcast that message to the world! Oh no! Ben-Juda, Buck and Ray figure, must be under the AntiChrist's mind-mojo, and needs to be set straight. Buck convinces the brainwashed rabbi to visit the Two Witnesses so that he can "discredit them." Of course, Buck is really hoping the Two Witnesses will convince Ben-Juda that the Messiah is Jesus.

In other words, Buck achieves his goal by lying. Just like Ray did to get his pilot job. And yet, in another scene Kirk Cameron drops character and tries to convince a guy named Chris that he hasn't been living up to God's standard: 'Have you ever told a lie? So what does that make you? That's right, a liar!' Why is it not okay for the unSaved Chris to have told even one lie, yet Buck and Ray can lie all they want to further their agenda? What a mixed message!

There are so many things wrong with this film, I'm almost not sure where to start. The dialogue, first and foremost, is just as bad as the first movie's. I want to say that the acting is terrible, but remember these guys are keeping a straight face when saying clunkers like:
"I'm saying there is a God. There has to be. It's the only thing that makes sense."
"The oceans, the sunset, do you think this just happened by chance?"
"You need to put your faith and your trust in God. And you need to do it right now!"
"I think you're a wonderful guy, but I'm having a really hard time with this whole hanging-out-with-the-Devil thing."

Then we have the issue of Nicky's dialogue. The script assumes that, if Nicholae says something, it is evil. How could it not be? He's the goddamn AntiChrist! So, when Nick-O talks of forming a one-world religion based on "tolerance, harmony and peace" because "divided religions mean a divided world," viewers are meant to think he's being a real bastard. But is there anything fundamentally bad about a religion of peace and tolerance? "We cannot allow closed-minded religious fanaticism to divide the world any further," says the mind-controlled Ben-Judah. And I agree with him! But we are supposed to disagree with the above statements, simply because they come from Nicholae Carpathia. It makes me wonder what words they might put in his mouth in future installments. Kirk Cameron might insist, for instance, that the AntiChrist speak of the need for acceptance of the gay community due to their positive impact on humanity.

Left Behind II: Tribulation Force is a worthy follow-up to the original, but that's the nicest thing I can say about it. Flawed, uneven, badly scripted and poorly executed are just a few of the not-so-nice things. This movie is just another piece of Salvation propaganda; ironic, since its biggest audience is the already-Saved. Personally, I think this film stinks so badly, it might just be detrimental to civilization.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 5
Acting/Direction - 2
Likely To Be Sat Through - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 3
Awesomeness of Jason Jones - 11!

Revelation: Apocalypse II

Welcome to the second exciting installment of the Apocalypse quartet, brought to you by Peter & Paul Lalonde and the gang at Cloud Ten Pictures. This is that rare case of a sequel being better than the parent film. Sadly, in this case, that's like saying an unwashed pair of gym socks smells slightly better than an outhouse in summer.

I do have to give the Lalondes a bit of credit, though. This isn't an everyday sequel that focuses solely on returning characters. Leigh Lewis returns as Helen Hannah, but her character merely plays a supporting role here. Nevertheless, the film does take place after the events of the first Apocalypse, including the Rapture.

Instead, this film focuses on Earl Stone (Jeff Fahey), an officer of the One Nation Earth (O.N.E.) police force. At first I thought his name was Phil, then it sounded like Earl, and then the end credits revealed his name to be Thorold. I'm going to stick with Earl. So there. Earl figured "we don't need church to make us a family," making it clear which side of the Rapture coin he was on. When the Rapture came and took his wife and kid, poor Earl was LEFT BEHIND.

Worse, Earl is stuck living in a world ruled by Franco Macaluso (Nick Mancuso, taking over the role from Sam Bornstein), the dude who says he's a god but is really the AntiChrist. Everyone else believes Macaluso's claims of godhood, even Earl's partner (whose name I didn't catch, so I'll call him Bud), but Earl himself thinks this self-proclaimed messiah is a con man. You see, Earl stopped believing in anything after his mom died of cancer.

When a school bus blows up, Earl and Bud investigate and find evidence that leads them to a Haters' hideout (Haters being the post-Rapture term for Christians). The Haters claim they were set up. Bud is about to go all G20 on their asses, but Earl steps in and stops him. One wild-eyed Hater named Selma Davis hands Earl a secret disk, which turns out to be this movie's McGuffin.

Earl and Bud keep searching the area, and catch two of the AntiChrist's troopers red-handed with a bomb detonator. One of those troopers is none other than the villainous Len Parker, once again 'played' by David Roddis. Parker shoots Bud and Earl, then leaves by walking straight through a wall like a ghost (when did he get that power? He didn't have it in the last movie). Bud dies, but Earl Stone survives.

Earl finds help in the form of wheelchair-bound nerd Willie Spinno, who takes one look at the detonator used to destroy the school bus and declares it to be the work of O.N.E.. He also talks about how he designed a virtual reality program for an upcoming event called the Day of Wonders. He takes particular interest in the secret disk, and recognizes it to be related to the VR program. To crack it, and to keep Earl safe, Willie takes him to the super secret hideout of his stepsister. Who just happens to be recurring Apocalypse hero Helen Hannah! She runs the resistance with two friends: a fat guy whose name I didn't catch, and a blind woman named Cindy.

Meanwhile, all is not well at villain HQ. Sure, there are lots of dastardly deeds going on - we see a man turn his son in to the O.N.E. police because he caught him praying - but Parker isn't satisfied. It turns out the secret disk contains stuff that could throw a medium-sized wrench into the AntiChrist's Day of Wonders plan. Parker learns that Earl Stone is still alive, and that he has that very disk in his possession! "I want Stone," Parker says, "and I want him dead." Having gotten that out of his system, Parker has a go at Selma the wild-eyed Christian, trying to make her renounce Jesus. It's a tough job, being the AntiChrist's stooge. Gotta blow off a little steam somehow.

Back at 'Hater' HQ, Willie and Earl work hard to crack the secrets of the Secret Disk while Helen Hannah does her absolute best to annoy everyone around her. She was an insufferable know-it-all in the first movie, but she takes it up a notch or twelve here. She's got a comeback for anything: "Whatever it takes, I'm gonna find 'em," Earl says, referring to his need to find his family, to which Helen retorts "You'll have to find God first." Earl mentions he doesn't believe in God. "He's still God," Helen replies, "whether you believe in him or not." In fact, when both Earl and Willie express their preference for Atheism, Helen settles for "You're wrong. You're both wrong."

My absolute favourite? "Leave this to the professionals," Willie tells her, referring to his ability to crack the Secret Disk. "Professionals built the Titanic," Helen scolds in reply. "Amateurs built the Ark." I cannot imagine an eternity in flames being much worse than five minutes alone with her!

In spite of Helen's idiotic bon-mots, Willie eventually does crack the disk. It contains a virtual reality program, an empty white space one sees if one puts on a VR helmet. Further hacking reveals a 'line of code' that makes the blank space more interesting. Willie finds a guillotine, and cuts his finger on the blade. When he takes of the helmet, he discovers is finger is cut in real life! It's Freddy Kruger physics, people.

Somehow this all ties into the Day of Wonders, which the heroes decide they have to stop. Willie cooks up a plan to sneak Earl into Bad Guy HQ disguised as a janitor, where he can upload a virus that will sabotage the AntiChrist's plan. While Earl is on his way, Helen puts two and two together and figures out how the Day of Wonders will work; when people put on VR helmets and enter the blank VR world, they'll be shown the thing they most desire... and get tricked into taking the Mark of the Beast! Sadly, she doesn't figure this out in time to save Willie and Cindy; they put on their helmets and meet Franco Macaluso, who cures Cindy's blindness and restores Willie's ability to walk in exchange for their devotion to him. Willie and Cindy turn evil and shoot Helen's fat friend, but Helen herself escapes and rushes to help Earl.

Earl gets tricked into putting a VR helmet on, and Macaluso offers him his wife and daughter in exchange for his eternal worship. Earl isn't fooled, so Macaluso sticks him in the guillotine and prepares to lop off his head. Earl gets Saved, literally and figuratively, by converting to Christianity before the blade comes down, and then Helen Hannah yanks the helmet off his head. Earl inserts the virus program, but before it can upload the bad guys arrive. Parker takes Earl and Helen to the incinerator to burn with the other Haters, while Willie and Cindy are left to stop the virus upload.

Naturally, God intervenes and saves the viewer from a satisfying ending. Nothing Willie and Cindy do can stop the virus program from loading; they pull out every plug, then smash the computer to bits, all to no avail. At the same time, Parker stares in astonishment through the incinerator door window as Helen, Earl, Selma and other Haters stand unharmed in the flames. Parker decides to take care of them personally, so he opens the incinerator door and gets incinerated. And the O.N.E. building burns down. And the Day of Wonders is stopped. But our heroes are perfectly safe, thanks entirely to divine intervention.

Andre Van Herdeen takes over directing duties on this film, and would go on to direct several more Cloud Ten films (including the remaining two Apocalypse sequels). He brings a lot more cinematic style to the table, and delivers a much more entertaining product than his predecessor Peter Gerretsen managed with the original film. No reliance on stock footage here! Sadly, that's not enough to make Revelation any good. It's just a lot less bad. With cartoon villains, unlikable heroes and an awful script, all this film can do is supply safe entertainment for true believers while offering no chance of being taken seriously by a secular audience.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 2
Acting/Direction - 4
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Apocalypse

In the world of Christian cinema (otherwise known as Direct To DVD/Video), there are few more prolific than Peter and Paul Lalonde. They are the creative force behind Cloud Ten Pictures, responsible for such classics as Deceived, Saving God, the Left Behind trilogy, and the Apocalypse quartet. It is this latter series about the latter days to which I now turn my reviewer's wrath.

Like Left Behind, Apocalypse deals with the Rapture and its aftermath. Unfortunately, it only has a tenth of Left Behind's budget. To put that another way, if it weren't for stock footage, this film would not exist.

Written and produced by Peter and Paul Lalonde and directed by Peter Gerretsen, Apocalypse follows television reporters Helen Hannah (Leigh Lewis) and Bronson Pearl (Richard Nester), "a man and a woman, caught in the eye of the storm..." It seems there is a "wave of fear spreading around the globe," with the armies of sixty nations converging on Israel for the battle of Armageddon. The World News Network (WNN) sends trusted reporter and anchorman Bronson Pearl to the plains of Megiddo, "the only passage into Israel that Mother Nature has left open," to report on the conflict. Bronson's a do-gooder who wants to make a difference, and show the world what's really going on.

Helen Hannah, Bronson's girlfriend and fellow anchor, is left behind (ha!) at the WNN news desk. Fellow reporter Suzie comforts Helen on Bronson's chances for survival by telling her that "Jim and I have our whole church praying for him." Helen's grandmother is also a Believer, leaving two conveniently-placed people for Helen to notice missing in the event of the Rapture.

Lots of bad stuff happens, as shown through stock footage. Tel Aviv is hit with chemical weapons, and Israeli General Moshe Alizar is so incensed he condemns the action in English. The film assumes that everyone speaks our language; another reporter speaks in English on electronic billboards around the globe, and everyone seems to understand. They don't even need subtitles!

More bad stuff happens. China sinks a US battleship, and the US destroys China's Ministry of Defence building. "It's like everyone is just assuming there is no turning back," wails Bronson, who ducks every now and then while bombs go off all around him. The one ray of hope the world has is European Union President Franco Macalusso (Sam Bornstein), the one man who has the respect of all the combatants. He's reported to be the only one who can stop the war. All the world's nuclear missiles are launched, and it appears the end of humanity is nigh.

And then... THE RAPTURE!!! People disappear all over the globe, leaving behind piles of nicely-folded clothing. So nice that the supernatural force that took all the Believers up to Heaven took the trouble to fold the clothes like that. A shame it couldn't be bothered to deal with the other consequences of the event. Planes fall because their pilots are gone, cars crash and trains smash into each other. It makes you wonder... if all these Christians believed the Rapture was going to happen, why did so many of them choose careers in transportation? In light of the destruction caused by their vanishing, the Christian pilots, engineers and drivers look pretty darned irresponsible if not completely reckless.

And another thing... are there really that many Christians in the world? The movie makes it seem like every country has been devastated by the vanishings, but how many vanished people would there really be if the Rapture actually took place? Putting aside all the atheists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and others, there are so many different kinds of Christians out there, and not all of them believe in the Rapture or being Born Again. Take away all of those people, and how many people do you have left? But I digress...

The Christians aren't the only ones to vanish. Also gone are all the nuclear missiles. Were they Bible-believing, born-again missiles? All the conflict in the Middle East has ground to a halt due to sheer confusion. Everyone's asking questions, and many more are making exclamations. "It's as if they... vanished!" one character says, and the phrase "I can't believe it!" gets almost as much screen time as the stock footage.

Back at WNN, Helen and others find neatly-folded clothes where Suzy and Jim were seconds before. Helen journeys to Grandma's house and gets a big surprise... she's gone, too! Luckily Granny was able to write a quick note to Helen before she was Raptured, telling her granddaughter what has happened and that it is not too late for her to get Saved, too.

So, Granny somehow sensed the imminent arrival of the Rapture and had enough time to write a note, but others didn't have advanced warning enough to pull over their cars or put their planes on autopilot?

Okay, I'm digressing again. Helen watches a video starring noted televangelists Drs. Jack and Rexella Van Impe, co-hosts of Jack Van Impe Presents. Jack sets Helen straight about what is going on, and what to look out for in the months and years to come. Helen researches the Bible, then prays to get Saved while inspirational music plays.

Meanwhile, European Union President Franco Macalusso offers a statement to the media from the Mount of Olives. He declares himself to be both God and the Messiah, and that he was the one who made the nukes disappear. He also says he removed certain people from the planet "because they have chosen the way of hate." For some reason, nobody is skeptical of his claims. News broadcasts from General Alizar, a US Navy Admiral named Jim Kirk (ha, ha) and others are all certain the end of the war was nothing less than divine intervention. "...you are hearing these words now thanks to God," says one. "Period."

And here, dear readers, is where the plot really begins. The Antichrist Macalusso (for he could be none other) sends the evil Len Parker (David Roddis) to take over WNN "to help him create a heaven on earth." Basically, that means pro-Macalusso propaganda and ignoring all dissenting opinions. Macalusso delivers several broadcasts, reminding everyone "I have brought peace to the world" and "The power is not outside yourselves, it is within yourselves." He also tells people that Jesus Christ was a deceiver, and that the 'Haters' (what Christians are called throughout the four movies) must be rounded up and dealt with before anyone can enjoy his peace. Stock footage comes into play again to show Christians the world over being arrested and beaten while their churches and Bibles are burned. It seems a lot of Christians really were left behind (giggle) after the Rapture!

Helen Hannah won't stand for that! She brings her boyfriend Bronson Pearl over to granny's house to show him the Van Impe tape and all the research she has done. Bronson isn't sold on Jesus, and Helen has a fit. "It's clear, Bronson," she says. "And if you would just open up that steel trap of yours, you'd see it, too." Bronson reminds her that she is a journalist, and as such they need to be objective and look at the facts. Helen retorts that she has evidence Macalusso is an impostor, but she never reveals what it is. Perhaps she thinks her Van Impe tape and the Bible are all the evidence she needs. That might do for this film's intended audience, but anyone else will be laughing.

Incidentally, why does everyone take Macalusso at his word when he says he got rid of the nukes? Everyone in this world seems so gullible and trusting.

Anyway, Bronson doesn't buy it, even after Helen shows him all the biblical prophecies that have come true. He storms off, and Helen goes into hiding. The evil Len Parker interrogates Bronson, demanding to know Helen Hannah's whereabouts. Bronson doesn't go for his bull, and why should he? Parker is a walking cartoon character cliche, right down to his textbook villain dialogue. It doesn't help that David Roddis' performance is so hammy it's practically wrapped in bacon.

While Macalusso sets up a seven year peace treaty between Arabs and Jews, Helen engages in a car chase with Parker's thugs. It is, without doubt, the slowest and most boringly shot car chase in movie history.

Bronson has a heart to heart with his dead daddy in the cemetery, and reveals the torture of his soul. He wants to believe Macalusso, "but there's just something that's holding me back. I can't explain it, but it's as if something's tugging at me..." That tugging, holding back something pushes the clouds aside so that the moon can illuminate Bronson's dad's tombstone. There is a Bible reference there, because Bronson's dad was devout; Bronson looks it up and discovers that "the dead in Christ will rise first..." Bronson digs up his dad's coffin and pops the lid, and finds a pile of neatly-folded clothes and a Bible. Bronson gets saved, with more inspirational music playing.

Incidentally, Bronson's clothes look remarkably clean for someone who's just dug up a coffin. Doesn't he sweat? Are his clothes dirt resistant?

Of all the Christian-produced movies I've seen, Apocalypse is the worst. It's best enjoyed as an unintentional comedy, a so-bad-it-is-good kind of thing. Like Anaconda, but without the sense of fun. Or the giant snake.

The script is weak, filled with cardboard stereotypes and no surprises at all. Blame Dr. Jack Van Impe for that - he was the script supervisor, after all. Peter Gerretsen demonstrates a complete lack of skill as director. His attempts at suspense or tension are laughable, best demonstrated by the aforementioned car chase. While his news camera-style of filming does help to create a sense of reality during the Armageddon scenes, it looks cheap and fake everywhere else. Yes, the budget was tiny and the production values make porn look high-class, but that's no excuse for having no talent. Andre Van Heerden, the film's post production supervisor and camera assistant, would go on to become the director for all three sequels.

So that's the first installment in the Apocalypse quartet. The sequels get better, but not by much...

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 0
Acting/Direction - 1
Likely To Be Sat Through - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 10
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Left Behind: The Movie

And now the big one! Left Behind is that rarest of rare things - a Christian movie that almost went mainstream. It even made it to cinema screens! Wow! Good for them. Of course, it vanished from those same screens pretty quickly...

Produced by Cloud Ten Pictures, Left Behind is based on the bestselling novel of the same name. I've read the book, and can confirm the movie is... ahem, faithful. I can also confirm that the movie is a big stinking pile of crap from start to finish.

It's bigger in scale than Cloud Ten's other films (like Deceived), and has a much bigger budget (and production values). Clearly, they were pulling out all the proverbial stops on this one. If only they'd spent some of their budget on a decent script.

Left Behind tells the story of the Rapture, an alleged Biblically-predicted event that will herald the onset of the Last Days. Supposedly, all the faithful Christians will vanish from the planet, leaving the nonbelievers to face seven years of Tribulation under the rule of the AntiChrist.

The authors of the novel, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, asked a simple question: what if the Rapture happened in our time (or the near future)? The book, and now the film, looks at the events leading up to the Rapture, and how the world copes afterward. Not a bad premise for a story, but if you want to convince unbelievers you have to have good execution.

(Warning: Spoiler Alert...)

The story starts in the Middle East, with plucky reporter Buck Williams (yes, his name is Buck, you may now laugh) covering a special secret formula called Eden (keep laughing) that allows crops to grow in the desert. Eden's creator, Dr. Rosenzweig(Colin Fox), says he will only give the formula to those who will work to create peace for Israel. Peace doesn't come right away, because all of a sudden a million jet fighters descend upon the country in a surprise sneak attack. For some reason, the jets waste missiles firing at Buck(played by Left Behind II's Kirk Cameron) and Rosenzweig, who are really just a couple of guys in the desert. Are they really worth missiles that could be used on a military target? Probably not, but it does add a pinch of excitement. All the planes mysteriously explode over Israel, without Israel firing a shot. What, Buck wonders, was that all about?

Across the world, airline pilot Rayford Steele (yes, his name is Steele, you may laugh again) prepares to leave for work, even though he will miss his son Tom's birthday party. He does this to avoid his wife, who has gone all Christian on him. His daughter Chloe (Left Behind II's Janaya Stephens) asks why he won't at least pretend to take an interest in Mom's preaching the way she does, but Ray (Left Behind II's Brad Johnson) doesn't want to deal with that God stuff. Guess he's not gettin' raptured. Dialogue between sister and brother Steele also reveals who is rapture-ready: Chloe - "You always do as you're told?" Tom - "Yeah. You should try it sometime."

Meanwhile, in a sinister English castle that looks a lot like Casa Loma, two banker dudes and their buddy Nicolae Carpathia(Left Behind II's Gordon Currie) scheme and plot. It seems the banker dudes have set up Nicky Carpathia to take over as head of the United Nations. Seems like somebody's looking to take over the world... When Nicky Carp leaves the room, the bankers discuss an employee named Dirk Burton(a buddy of Buck's) who is trying to bust their scheme wide open. "I'd say that Mr. Burton will have to sacrifice his pension... and his health benefits." Bwa-ha-ha, aren't they evil?

Buck Williams boards a plane to London to follow up on something his buddy Dirk told him. He talks to Hattie(Left Behind II's Chelsea Noble), a stewardess whom he'd helped land a job at the United Nations. And guess what? The plane just happens to be the one that Ray Steele is piloting! Will those three become enmeshed in the dramatic events soon to follow?

What's more, Ray's been flirting with Hattie, big time! Nope, he's definitely not getttin' raptured. Of course, the novel authors and film writers could have been even more daring - Ray could have been having an actual affair with Hattie, with sex and everything - but this is a Christian production and they don't do that sort of thing.

Finally, somewhere over the Atlantic, the event we've all been waiting for... THE RAPTURE!!! Was there some great big expensive special effects sequence showing millions of Christians worldwide vanishing into the sky? Nope. No effects shots, not even a lousy in-camera trick. The raptured folks are just gone.

In spite of the disappointing lack of effects, the big event is still handled well. We start small, with the people on the plane realizing a bunch of people are missing. It is truly amazing how many devout Christians there are on that plane just then! All that remains of them are their clothes, jewellery, and of course crucifixes.

Next we turn to Chloe, who runs afoul of a traffic snarl caused by raptured drivers. Pretty soon, we learn the event is worldwide. Panic! Horror! Despair! Oh my. All flights are grounded, but Ray agrees to help Buck get back to New York by helping him find a pilot for hire. Then Ray rushes home and finds his wife and son are gone, so he starts reading his wife's Bible. Chloe comes home and starts to cry, and the acting goes from bad to cringe-worthy.

The bad guy bankers get another scene, and the bad acting and bad dialogue collide. When discussing how they can use this worldwide event ot their advantage, one of them says: "Never wait for opportunity to knock. Yank open the door and drag it screaming and kicking inside."

But that's nowhere near as bad as my favourite scene from the whole movie, the scene where Ray's wife's pastor sits alone in his church, musing about why he wasn't taken. Honestly, you have to see it to understand how truly bad and unintentionally hilarious it is. "What a fraud I am," Pastor Bruce Barnes says. "I'm living a lie... I'm living a lie." It seems that Brucie didn't really believe his own message, which conveniently leaves one guy on Earth who can supply necessary exposition. Ray finds him, they both get Saved, and then Ray heads out to Save Chloe. He also tries to save Hattie, who drops by for some more flirting. Ray doesn't want a sinful relationship, and Hattie doesn't want God, so that's it for those two.

Buck meets a CIA guy in Chicago, a guy his buddy Dirk contacted. They figure out that the evil bankers are going to bankrupt the UN with their buddy Nicky Carpy while simultaneously getting their hands on the Eden formula. "They're trying to control the world's food supply!" Buck gasps, but before they can bust this thing wide open, the CIA guy's car explodes. Buck would have been in the car with him, but he was busy giving a homeless lady some change. No, I'm not making that up, that's what happened. Buck, injured, goes to the only people in Chicago he trusts - the Steeles. Ray and Chloe take him to the church, where a convenient emergency centre has been set up, and the converting of Buck goes into full swing. Pastor Barnes and Ray provide Biblical explanations for everything that's going on, and Buck is convinced way too easily.

However, he doesn't quite get Saved yet. Instead, Buck heads for the UN to warn his buddy Rosenzweig and their mutual buddy Nicolae Carpathia about what the evil bankers are up to. Then, following a revelation revealing how Nicky Carpy will bring peace to the Middle East, Buck realizes all that Bible stuff was true. He ducks into the UN bathroom to get Saved, and soppy uplifting music plays to make sure we get the gravity of this moment.

The movie ends with the revelation that Nicky, not his evil banker buddies, was the AntiChrist all along. He kills the bankers and works his mind mojo on the UN, but Buck is immune because he's got Jesus now. He escapes and gets back to the Steeles in the church, where they prepare for the sequels that will prolong their acting careers. In a voiceover, Buck tells us "I don't have all the answers, but for now, faith is enough." The question is, will faith be enough for viewers.

Not if they're not already Christians. I can't see any non-believers being converted by this movie, let alone enjoying it on the level of an action blockbuster. Like the Commander Kellie video, this movie is so full of earnestness and importance and message that it forgets the cardinal rule of not sucking. When the acting is at its best, it is soap opera melodrama. And when it is bad, it is baaaaddd. How bad? Christian movie bad. There's no other word for it. Director Vic Sarin has no idea how to build suspense or stage drama, and the best you can say for the screenwriters is that they successfully condensed the novel into a 95 minute film.

One glaring omission is why God is doing this to humanity. Sure, the Rapture happens to spare the faithful from the horrors of the Tribulation before Jesus returns to set everything right, but that doesn't explain why God planned it that way. Sure, it's "in the Bible", but so what? The big picture makes no sense to me, and Left Behind(the book and the movie) does not provide enlightenment.

"What does it matter what we think we know?" Buck asks in a voiceover at the beginning. "In the end, there's no denying the truth." And the truth is, this movie is just plain awful. Watch it only if you want a mild chuckle.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 7
Acting/Direction - 3
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 9
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Deceived

No, this isn't that old Goldie Hawn thriller. It's "a chilling 21st century supernatural thriller" from Cloud Ten Pictures, the guys who made Left Behind: The Movie and other Christian stuff. Written by Paul Lalonde (the Apocalypse series) and John Patus, directed by Andre Van Heerden (Apocalypse III: Tribulation and Judgment), and released to video in 2001, this is Christian science fiction at its absolute best.

Unfortunately, that's not saying very much. Battlefield Earth was a better SF movie.

The story concerns a radio signal, supposedly from space, which has a duration of 6.66 seconds. A rich guy named Shaw(Stewart Bick), whose company owns the observatory where the signal was detected, thinks this signal will make him rich. His Christian assistant Smitty Turner, however, thinks it's from the Devil. I wonder who'll turn out to be right?

Shaw rounds up a group of people to go to the observatory and find out what's what. It seems he's lost contact with the people there... as if something dark and sinister happened to them. The team consists of Reverend Fletcher(Jefferson Mappin), Shaw's spiritual advisor; Smitty(Michelle Nolden), his assistant; Kara Walsh(Deborah Odell), a plucky investigative journalist who always gets the story; and a deaf technician with a hearing aid named Jack, played by Judd Nelson. Judd has always been a hero of mine since he voiced Hot Rod in the 1986 Transformers: The Movie, so it's a shame to see him slumming here. Jack and Smitty used to be involved with one another, but Jack couldn't deal with the God stuff. And the fact that Smitty wasn't giving him any because of the God stuff.

More trouble is brewing in the form of Colonel Garrett, played by Louis Gossett Jr. It seems he's running a military program involving telekinesis (people who can move objects with their minds, for those of you who didn't see X-Men), and he has his own connection to this strange signal. If you don't like spoilers, bail out now.

Shaw and his team get to the observatory and find the place in bad shape. All trace of the signal was destroyed by the two technicians who'd been monitoring it, so it's up to Jack to put everything back together. Shaw plans to broadcast this signal to the world, proving the existence of extraterrestrial life, while Reverend Fletcher hopes the signal will raise humanity to a new level of consciousness. Kara(the investigative journalist with a knack for digging up the facts) wants to be the one to break the story, which will be excellent for her career. Therefore, they all want something from Jack, who is the only one who can repair the equipment.

When he does, everyone has a listen when the signal comes back. Those who hear it get this cheap special effect thing with their eyes to show they are under the influence of evil. Smitty isn't influenced because she has Jesus, and Jack can't hear the signal because Satan can't bypass his hearing aid. Those who've had the funky eyeball start to exhibit the Seven Deadly Sins, which means they are pretty much the way they were before, but their acting is a bit hammier.

Colonel Garrett arrives and takes control of the observatory with the help of his telekinetic Lieutenant Vasquez(Ramona Milano). He explains the signal is a matter of national security, shortly before he gets eye-funked himself. Bad things start to happen; the Colonel's soldiers hear the signal and go crazy, except for the one with a cross around his neck. Maybe the signal turned the others into vampires. Smitty, now convinced the signal is from Satan, tries to convince the others of the danger. Jack, the deaf guy, is the only one who listens. Colonel Garrett makes dire plans, Vasquez starts hurting people with her mind, the others go nuts and slash one-another, and the truth about the signal finally comes out.

Sad to say, this limply-directed and horribly written piece of crap is one of the better Christian movies out there. It doesn't have Left Behind's epic scope, but it does manage to be slightly less cheesy. The effects are the sub-par quality you'd expect from a direct-to-video feature, but the sets are merely serviceable. Most of them, anyway. The entrance to the observatory(which is underground, by the way) looks like someone stuck a large metal porta-potty in front of a cliff-face.

While the dialogue is woefully pedestrian, the actors do their best with it. Judd Nelson makes the best of his character and actually seems to be having some fun. You'd never think he was really deaf if it weren't for the constant reminders, but he's nevertheless the most enjoyable one to watch. The rest go through the motions like they were extras in a bad episode of Star Trek, and director Van Heerden sticks to obvious cliches when it comes to building suspense and atmosphere.

This leads to unintentional hilarity - the scene where Shaw, Fletcher and Kara go crazy and fight for a knife to stab Jack with had me chuckling, but a scene near the beginning had me roaring. Before he gets on the helicopter to go to the observatory, Jack meets a deaf kid who hands him a wooden cross. Jack looks at it for a moment, then looks up to discover the kid has vanished. Was the kid... an angel? Was it a message... from Jesus? Will Jack pull out that cross during a pivotal scene and become Saved? I laughed till I cried, I really did.

Deceived sends the message that evil can come at us from anywhere, so you'd better get Saved if you don't want to get funky-eyed and go crazy. That may be great for devout audiences, but not for anyone else. And moderate Christian viewers will long for the sinful pleasures of Hollywood and go rent Independence Day or Armageddon instead.

The film also says that if your acting career is floundering, doing Christian flicks is at least more respectable than porn.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 4
Acting/Direction - 4
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1