Revelation: Apocalypse II

Welcome to the second exciting installment of the Apocalypse quartet, brought to you by Peter & Paul Lalonde and the gang at Cloud Ten Pictures. This is that rare case of a sequel being better than the parent film. Sadly, in this case, that's like saying an unwashed pair of gym socks smells slightly better than an outhouse in summer.

I do have to give the Lalondes a bit of credit, though. This isn't an everyday sequel that focuses solely on returning characters. Leigh Lewis returns as Helen Hannah, but her character merely plays a supporting role here. Nevertheless, the film does take place after the events of the first Apocalypse, including the Rapture.

Instead, this film focuses on Earl Stone (Jeff Fahey), an officer of the One Nation Earth (O.N.E.) police force. At first I thought his name was Phil, then it sounded like Earl, and then the end credits revealed his name to be Thorold. I'm going to stick with Earl. So there. Earl figured "we don't need church to make us a family," making it clear which side of the Rapture coin he was on. When the Rapture came and took his wife and kid, poor Earl was LEFT BEHIND.

Worse, Earl is stuck living in a world ruled by Franco Macaluso (Nick Mancuso, taking over the role from Sam Bornstein), the dude who says he's a god but is really the AntiChrist. Everyone else believes Macaluso's claims of godhood, even Earl's partner (whose name I didn't catch, so I'll call him Bud), but Earl himself thinks this self-proclaimed messiah is a con man. You see, Earl stopped believing in anything after his mom died of cancer.

When a school bus blows up, Earl and Bud investigate and find evidence that leads them to a Haters' hideout (Haters being the post-Rapture term for Christians). The Haters claim they were set up. Bud is about to go all G20 on their asses, but Earl steps in and stops him. One wild-eyed Hater named Selma Davis hands Earl a secret disk, which turns out to be this movie's McGuffin.

Earl and Bud keep searching the area, and catch two of the AntiChrist's troopers red-handed with a bomb detonator. One of those troopers is none other than the villainous Len Parker, once again 'played' by David Roddis. Parker shoots Bud and Earl, then leaves by walking straight through a wall like a ghost (when did he get that power? He didn't have it in the last movie). Bud dies, but Earl Stone survives.

Earl finds help in the form of wheelchair-bound nerd Willie Spinno, who takes one look at the detonator used to destroy the school bus and declares it to be the work of O.N.E.. He also talks about how he designed a virtual reality program for an upcoming event called the Day of Wonders. He takes particular interest in the secret disk, and recognizes it to be related to the VR program. To crack it, and to keep Earl safe, Willie takes him to the super secret hideout of his stepsister. Who just happens to be recurring Apocalypse hero Helen Hannah! She runs the resistance with two friends: a fat guy whose name I didn't catch, and a blind woman named Cindy.

Meanwhile, all is not well at villain HQ. Sure, there are lots of dastardly deeds going on - we see a man turn his son in to the O.N.E. police because he caught him praying - but Parker isn't satisfied. It turns out the secret disk contains stuff that could throw a medium-sized wrench into the AntiChrist's Day of Wonders plan. Parker learns that Earl Stone is still alive, and that he has that very disk in his possession! "I want Stone," Parker says, "and I want him dead." Having gotten that out of his system, Parker has a go at Selma the wild-eyed Christian, trying to make her renounce Jesus. It's a tough job, being the AntiChrist's stooge. Gotta blow off a little steam somehow.

Back at 'Hater' HQ, Willie and Earl work hard to crack the secrets of the Secret Disk while Helen Hannah does her absolute best to annoy everyone around her. She was an insufferable know-it-all in the first movie, but she takes it up a notch or twelve here. She's got a comeback for anything: "Whatever it takes, I'm gonna find 'em," Earl says, referring to his need to find his family, to which Helen retorts "You'll have to find God first." Earl mentions he doesn't believe in God. "He's still God," Helen replies, "whether you believe in him or not." In fact, when both Earl and Willie express their preference for Atheism, Helen settles for "You're wrong. You're both wrong."

My absolute favourite? "Leave this to the professionals," Willie tells her, referring to his ability to crack the Secret Disk. "Professionals built the Titanic," Helen scolds in reply. "Amateurs built the Ark." I cannot imagine an eternity in flames being much worse than five minutes alone with her!

In spite of Helen's idiotic bon-mots, Willie eventually does crack the disk. It contains a virtual reality program, an empty white space one sees if one puts on a VR helmet. Further hacking reveals a 'line of code' that makes the blank space more interesting. Willie finds a guillotine, and cuts his finger on the blade. When he takes of the helmet, he discovers is finger is cut in real life! It's Freddy Kruger physics, people.

Somehow this all ties into the Day of Wonders, which the heroes decide they have to stop. Willie cooks up a plan to sneak Earl into Bad Guy HQ disguised as a janitor, where he can upload a virus that will sabotage the AntiChrist's plan. While Earl is on his way, Helen puts two and two together and figures out how the Day of Wonders will work; when people put on VR helmets and enter the blank VR world, they'll be shown the thing they most desire... and get tricked into taking the Mark of the Beast! Sadly, she doesn't figure this out in time to save Willie and Cindy; they put on their helmets and meet Franco Macaluso, who cures Cindy's blindness and restores Willie's ability to walk in exchange for their devotion to him. Willie and Cindy turn evil and shoot Helen's fat friend, but Helen herself escapes and rushes to help Earl.

Earl gets tricked into putting a VR helmet on, and Macaluso offers him his wife and daughter in exchange for his eternal worship. Earl isn't fooled, so Macaluso sticks him in the guillotine and prepares to lop off his head. Earl gets Saved, literally and figuratively, by converting to Christianity before the blade comes down, and then Helen Hannah yanks the helmet off his head. Earl inserts the virus program, but before it can upload the bad guys arrive. Parker takes Earl and Helen to the incinerator to burn with the other Haters, while Willie and Cindy are left to stop the virus upload.

Naturally, God intervenes and saves the viewer from a satisfying ending. Nothing Willie and Cindy do can stop the virus program from loading; they pull out every plug, then smash the computer to bits, all to no avail. At the same time, Parker stares in astonishment through the incinerator door window as Helen, Earl, Selma and other Haters stand unharmed in the flames. Parker decides to take care of them personally, so he opens the incinerator door and gets incinerated. And the O.N.E. building burns down. And the Day of Wonders is stopped. But our heroes are perfectly safe, thanks entirely to divine intervention.

Andre Van Herdeen takes over directing duties on this film, and would go on to direct several more Cloud Ten films (including the remaining two Apocalypse sequels). He brings a lot more cinematic style to the table, and delivers a much more entertaining product than his predecessor Peter Gerretsen managed with the original film. No reliance on stock footage here! Sadly, that's not enough to make Revelation any good. It's just a lot less bad. With cartoon villains, unlikable heroes and an awful script, all this film can do is supply safe entertainment for true believers while offering no chance of being taken seriously by a secular audience.

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 2
Acting/Direction - 4
Likely To Be Sat Through - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 7
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Apocalypse

In the world of Christian cinema (otherwise known as Direct To DVD/Video), there are few more prolific than Peter and Paul Lalonde. They are the creative force behind Cloud Ten Pictures, responsible for such classics as Deceived, Saving God, the Left Behind trilogy, and the Apocalypse quartet. It is this latter series about the latter days to which I now turn my reviewer's wrath.

Like Left Behind, Apocalypse deals with the Rapture and its aftermath. Unfortunately, it only has a tenth of Left Behind's budget. To put that another way, if it weren't for stock footage, this film would not exist.

Written and produced by Peter and Paul Lalonde and directed by Peter Gerretsen, Apocalypse follows television reporters Helen Hannah (Leigh Lewis) and Bronson Pearl (Richard Nester), "a man and a woman, caught in the eye of the storm..." It seems there is a "wave of fear spreading around the globe," with the armies of sixty nations converging on Israel for the battle of Armageddon. The World News Network (WNN) sends trusted reporter and anchorman Bronson Pearl to the plains of Megiddo, "the only passage into Israel that Mother Nature has left open," to report on the conflict. Bronson's a do-gooder who wants to make a difference, and show the world what's really going on.

Helen Hannah, Bronson's girlfriend and fellow anchor, is left behind (ha!) at the WNN news desk. Fellow reporter Suzie comforts Helen on Bronson's chances for survival by telling her that "Jim and I have our whole church praying for him." Helen's grandmother is also a Believer, leaving two conveniently-placed people for Helen to notice missing in the event of the Rapture.

Lots of bad stuff happens, as shown through stock footage. Tel Aviv is hit with chemical weapons, and Israeli General Moshe Alizar is so incensed he condemns the action in English. The film assumes that everyone speaks our language; another reporter speaks in English on electronic billboards around the globe, and everyone seems to understand. They don't even need subtitles!

More bad stuff happens. China sinks a US battleship, and the US destroys China's Ministry of Defence building. "It's like everyone is just assuming there is no turning back," wails Bronson, who ducks every now and then while bombs go off all around him. The one ray of hope the world has is European Union President Franco Macalusso (Sam Bornstein), the one man who has the respect of all the combatants. He's reported to be the only one who can stop the war. All the world's nuclear missiles are launched, and it appears the end of humanity is nigh.

And then... THE RAPTURE!!! People disappear all over the globe, leaving behind piles of nicely-folded clothing. So nice that the supernatural force that took all the Believers up to Heaven took the trouble to fold the clothes like that. A shame it couldn't be bothered to deal with the other consequences of the event. Planes fall because their pilots are gone, cars crash and trains smash into each other. It makes you wonder... if all these Christians believed the Rapture was going to happen, why did so many of them choose careers in transportation? In light of the destruction caused by their vanishing, the Christian pilots, engineers and drivers look pretty darned irresponsible if not completely reckless.

And another thing... are there really that many Christians in the world? The movie makes it seem like every country has been devastated by the vanishings, but how many vanished people would there really be if the Rapture actually took place? Putting aside all the atheists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and others, there are so many different kinds of Christians out there, and not all of them believe in the Rapture or being Born Again. Take away all of those people, and how many people do you have left? But I digress...

The Christians aren't the only ones to vanish. Also gone are all the nuclear missiles. Were they Bible-believing, born-again missiles? All the conflict in the Middle East has ground to a halt due to sheer confusion. Everyone's asking questions, and many more are making exclamations. "It's as if they... vanished!" one character says, and the phrase "I can't believe it!" gets almost as much screen time as the stock footage.

Back at WNN, Helen and others find neatly-folded clothes where Suzy and Jim were seconds before. Helen journeys to Grandma's house and gets a big surprise... she's gone, too! Luckily Granny was able to write a quick note to Helen before she was Raptured, telling her granddaughter what has happened and that it is not too late for her to get Saved, too.

So, Granny somehow sensed the imminent arrival of the Rapture and had enough time to write a note, but others didn't have advanced warning enough to pull over their cars or put their planes on autopilot?

Okay, I'm digressing again. Helen watches a video starring noted televangelists Drs. Jack and Rexella Van Impe, co-hosts of Jack Van Impe Presents. Jack sets Helen straight about what is going on, and what to look out for in the months and years to come. Helen researches the Bible, then prays to get Saved while inspirational music plays.

Meanwhile, European Union President Franco Macalusso offers a statement to the media from the Mount of Olives. He declares himself to be both God and the Messiah, and that he was the one who made the nukes disappear. He also says he removed certain people from the planet "because they have chosen the way of hate." For some reason, nobody is skeptical of his claims. News broadcasts from General Alizar, a US Navy Admiral named Jim Kirk (ha, ha) and others are all certain the end of the war was nothing less than divine intervention. "...you are hearing these words now thanks to God," says one. "Period."

And here, dear readers, is where the plot really begins. The Antichrist Macalusso (for he could be none other) sends the evil Len Parker (David Roddis) to take over WNN "to help him create a heaven on earth." Basically, that means pro-Macalusso propaganda and ignoring all dissenting opinions. Macalusso delivers several broadcasts, reminding everyone "I have brought peace to the world" and "The power is not outside yourselves, it is within yourselves." He also tells people that Jesus Christ was a deceiver, and that the 'Haters' (what Christians are called throughout the four movies) must be rounded up and dealt with before anyone can enjoy his peace. Stock footage comes into play again to show Christians the world over being arrested and beaten while their churches and Bibles are burned. It seems a lot of Christians really were left behind (giggle) after the Rapture!

Helen Hannah won't stand for that! She brings her boyfriend Bronson Pearl over to granny's house to show him the Van Impe tape and all the research she has done. Bronson isn't sold on Jesus, and Helen has a fit. "It's clear, Bronson," she says. "And if you would just open up that steel trap of yours, you'd see it, too." Bronson reminds her that she is a journalist, and as such they need to be objective and look at the facts. Helen retorts that she has evidence Macalusso is an impostor, but she never reveals what it is. Perhaps she thinks her Van Impe tape and the Bible are all the evidence she needs. That might do for this film's intended audience, but anyone else will be laughing.

Incidentally, why does everyone take Macalusso at his word when he says he got rid of the nukes? Everyone in this world seems so gullible and trusting.

Anyway, Bronson doesn't buy it, even after Helen shows him all the biblical prophecies that have come true. He storms off, and Helen goes into hiding. The evil Len Parker interrogates Bronson, demanding to know Helen Hannah's whereabouts. Bronson doesn't go for his bull, and why should he? Parker is a walking cartoon character cliche, right down to his textbook villain dialogue. It doesn't help that David Roddis' performance is so hammy it's practically wrapped in bacon.

While Macalusso sets up a seven year peace treaty between Arabs and Jews, Helen engages in a car chase with Parker's thugs. It is, without doubt, the slowest and most boringly shot car chase in movie history.

Bronson has a heart to heart with his dead daddy in the cemetery, and reveals the torture of his soul. He wants to believe Macalusso, "but there's just something that's holding me back. I can't explain it, but it's as if something's tugging at me..." That tugging, holding back something pushes the clouds aside so that the moon can illuminate Bronson's dad's tombstone. There is a Bible reference there, because Bronson's dad was devout; Bronson looks it up and discovers that "the dead in Christ will rise first..." Bronson digs up his dad's coffin and pops the lid, and finds a pile of neatly-folded clothes and a Bible. Bronson gets saved, with more inspirational music playing.

Incidentally, Bronson's clothes look remarkably clean for someone who's just dug up a coffin. Doesn't he sweat? Are his clothes dirt resistant?

Of all the Christian-produced movies I've seen, Apocalypse is the worst. It's best enjoyed as an unintentional comedy, a so-bad-it-is-good kind of thing. Like Anaconda, but without the sense of fun. Or the giant snake.

The script is weak, filled with cardboard stereotypes and no surprises at all. Blame Dr. Jack Van Impe for that - he was the script supervisor, after all. Peter Gerretsen demonstrates a complete lack of skill as director. His attempts at suspense or tension are laughable, best demonstrated by the aforementioned car chase. While his news camera-style of filming does help to create a sense of reality during the Armageddon scenes, it looks cheap and fake everywhere else. Yes, the budget was tiny and the production values make porn look high-class, but that's no excuse for having no talent. Andre Van Heerden, the film's post production supervisor and camera assistant, would go on to become the director for all three sequels.

So that's the first installment in the Apocalypse quartet. The sequels get better, but not by much...

Likely To Convert - 0
Production Values - 0
Acting/Direction - 1
Likely To Be Sat Through - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 10
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Can We Know?

No, we can't. But this offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors would seek to convince us otherwise. Convince us of what? What do you think? That Jesus is the only way to Heaven, naturally.

"Many preachers and religious leaders step forward boldly with their opinions," the tract writer assures us. "But eternity is too serious a matter to trust to opinions." None of those preachers or religious leaders are identified by name, of course. And even better, the words of this tract are based entirely on opinions - namely, those of the tract authors. Sure, they use scripture quotes to back their words up, but the interpretation of those quotes (and their supposed infallibility) are the authors' opinions.

Yes they are.

"Although there are many theories and opinions, there are really only two ways - man's way and God's way." And according to this tract, God's way is the way presented in the New Testament. Every other belief system is Man's way, and therefore doomed.

Doomed!

And did I mention that the existence of Heaven is itself a matter of opinion? I did, in another review. Secular readers won't care. But the tract authors are of the opinion that they will care.

The tract attempts to illustrate its point with a story about two men entering a temple. "One came in man's way, and the other came in God's way." One of them "will spend eternity with the lost." Can you guess who?

"Friend, are you in the right way?" Then the tract asks, "Are you trusting the right Man?" just to confuse things. They've spent four pages poo-pooing man's way, then they ask if we're trusting the right one? This will only end up confusing the very people they are trying to reach. Namely, people dumb enough to be drawn in by this kind of thing.

"...how can a person know the right way to Heaven?" By dying. That's when all of us find out. We certainly won't learn about the afterlife from lame tracts like this.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

Free Beautiful Homes

I know I keep asking for tracts that don't just say 'you're going to burn in HELL if you don't accept Jesus'. I know I've asked that they try something new. This new offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors does both, and while that's very nice of them, the end result is so lame it is almost laughable.

If only it were laughable! That, at least, would be something.

Rather than kick the HELL can, this tract goes in the opposite direction. That's right, they're selling Heaven.

"No Water Bills," promises the tract. "No Light Bills," "Nothing Undesirable," "The Best Of Society," "Beautiful Music," "Permanent Pavement - Pure Gold" and "Free Transportation To The City" are among the promises of this sales pitch, complete with scripture quotes to back them up. Are these promises also backed up with verifiable empirical evidence? Don't be silly.

The tract briefly raises the issue of Salvation, saying it is the only way to obtain a free title to your new home. But why would one need Salvation to get this new home? The Salvation issue is just pasted on, without any context. In their effort to be different, the tract writers have entirely missed their own point. You can't just throw it in there! If you don't want to talk about Hell and Damnation and Eternal Burning In Agony and Scorching Tongues, you can't go bringing up Salvation, either. Not without a radical re-definition of the term. And we all know the church's stance on re-defining terms!

Sorry, that was a low blow, but I couldn't resist. What I can resist, however, is this lame attempt to sell me an eternal destiny that may or may not exist. It sounds nice, but so do all real-estate pitches. I appreciate them trying a different approach, but they use the same tactics, and those don't work with the approach they've chosen.

Come to think of it, the use of Bible quotes to convince the UnSaved never works. At least, it doesn't ever work on me.

Try again, ETD!

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

So What's In It For Me?

There's that old expression about not judging a book by its cover. It applies equally well to tracts, especially this one. Published by Canadian Bible Society, this one has a great, eye-catching cover, but the inside is something of a letdown.

The cover features a tough-looking dude in a toque, presumably asking the titular question. It's like he's saying: "Hey, I'm just an average schlub like you, and I'm askin' the same question you're prob'ly askin', right?" The tract writers seem to assume we'll relate to this dude, and therefore find the inside material more appealing.

Well, I don't relate to him. And I wouldn't be caught dead in that shirt. Just look at it, for God's sake.

Other people might relate to him and his shirt and his toque, however, and they might open this tract expecting to find something that would appeal to toque-wearing schlubs like them.

The tract assumes you know it is a tract, and begins at once trying to convert you. It poses seven questions, then supplies answers to those questions that are supposed to convince you that Jesus is the way to go. The questions are written in schlub language, and include: 1. "What has God done for me?"; 2. "Nothing comes free in this world so why would God give me something for free?"; and 6. "What have I got to lose?"

The answers provide no facts or proof, as is common with nearly all tracts. They don't even supply the Bible verses the answers are based on! Rather, familiar lines of scripture are rewritten into modern English, presumably so schlubs can understand them.

It's as if the tract authors have figured out you can't convert someone who isn't already a believer just by throwing scripture in his/her face. Kudos to that, I say! Sadly, they don't take the next logical step. Telling someone that Jesus can forgive their sins means nothing if you have no concept of sin in the first place. For a tract like this to have any relevance, the reader must first accept the Christian notion of sin, and understand why that's a bad thing.

The tract does take a step in the right direction when addressing the question: 5. "What else do I get out of it?" "God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-controlled." It's not often that a tract does more than offer a get-out-of-Hell pass. It's the fifth question, however, well after the sin stuff. Too little, too late.

This is one of the better tracts I've reviewed, with an above-average idea of who they are writing for. It still won't save any souls, but it shows that tracts can, ahem, evolve. Let's hope the Canadian Bible Society keeps moving in this promising direction. If they do, we just might see some decent stuff from them in the future.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 6
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 2

A Divine Revelation of Hell

Back when I reviewed Bible Man, I wrote that sometimes in my line of work I come across something so bizarre and out-there that it must be seen to be believed. Into that ever-expanding category I bring you A Divine Revelation Of Hell by Mark K. Baxter.

First, let me point out that this book is supposedly nonfiction. That is, the content that Mary presents us with isn't meant to be read as fiction. Mary K. would have us believe that every word of her story is TRUE. We clear on that? Good.

A Divine Revelation of Hell tells the tale of Mary's encounters with Jesus Christ, and their repeated journeys down into Hell. Apparently, the Lord and Saviour chose her, out of the six billion of us on the planet, to accompany HIM on a guided tour of Hell for the purpose of writing a book about it. That book, the LORD thinks, will better convince people of Hell's reality, and therefore convince them to embrace Christianity.

And we, the readers, are expected to swallow that. Riiiiight.

Simply put, I do not. I'll get into why later, except to say that if Jesus really did choose her, why did he pick someone with such poor writing ability? It's not that she isn't imaginative or descriptive... okay, it kind of is. But the main problem is that, well... you kind of have to read a bit to see what I'm getting at:

"I was so thankful when we entered the tunnel. I thought, The tunnel cannot possibly be as bad as the pits. But how wrong I was! As soon as we were inside, I began to see great snakes, large rats, and many evil spirits, all running from the presence of the Lord. The snakes hissed at us, and the rats squealed. There were many evil sounds. Vipers and dark shadows were all about us. Jesus was the only light to be seen in the tunnel. I stayed as close to Him as I could. Imps and devils were all over the sides of this cavern, and they were all going somewhere up and out of the tunnel. I found out later that these evil spirits were going out onto the earth to do Satan's bidding."

Or how about:

"These are the words that Jesus spoke to me. He instructed me to write them and put them into a book and to tell them to the world. These words are true. These revelations were given to me by the Lord Jesus Christ so that all may know and understand the workings of Satan and the evil schemes he is planning for the future."

See?

The story is simple enough. Jesus takes Mary from her home to Hell by way of a vortex, several of which hover tornado-like over the earth to catch damned souls. Hell turns out to be in the shape of a human body, complete with arms, legs, jaws and heart. Oh, and Outer Darkness, too. A chapter is devoted to each section, with a few more (like The Horrors of Hell) thrown in for good measure. Each section contains its own unique features and torments for the damned; Jesus gives the grand tour, explaining the different punishments in each area.

For example, in Hell's left leg "there were pits of fire everywhere as far as the eye could see." Jesus shows a few of these to Mary, who says "I don't know if I can go on, for this is awful beyond belief." Damned souls trapped in skeletons are burned in the pits, and when they see Jesus they beg to be released. Some of them speak most eloquently about the sins they have committed, all the chances they had to repent but didn't, how they thought they had so much time, then one day the unexpected happened and now they're in a pit burning alive. You'd think they'd be in too much agony to do anything but scream. Whatever their story, Jesus' answer is always the same: "The Judgment is set." Even Mary tries to plead with Jesus, but nothing will sway HIM.

I won't go into the other areas in any great detail - it's just more of the same. It's interesting to note, however, that Jesus abandons Mary in Hell to fend for herself. Twice. "You could never know for sure (that Hell is real) until you had experienced it for yourself," Jesus says after rescuing her from his abandonment the first time. During that abandonment, "the most excruciating pain I could imagine swept over me." She was taken before Satan, who had his demons throw her "into something cold and clammy" where "the fire burned my body, and the worms crawled over and through me." She goes through all that, and Jesus ditches her again nine chapters later! The bastard.

Also of note is the chapter on Outer Darkness, because the concept is so silly. There's a bit in the Bible about certain sinners being cast into outer darkness, and that's exactly what happens; they are loaded into a big disk, and then a 30-foot tall angel picks up that disk and chucks it into a realm called (spoiler alert) Outer Darkness. "My Word means just what it says," Jesus tells Mary.

Personally, I'd much rather ride the disk than get stuck in a burning pit.

At some point in 'writing' this, Mary K realized she'd need some filler. There's a chapter on Heaven, and a lot of space is given to Bible prophecy about the End Times. Mary is shown visions of a dire future, where the Beast has "a 'big brother' machine that could see into homes and businesses." She also sees a scene where the Beast takes an "angry man into a larger room" and lies him down under "a vast machine." What was the vast machine for? "On the top of the machine were the words, 'this mind eraser belongs to the beast, 666." I'm serious! That's what it says. You always want to have your mind erasers labeled, I guess. Wouldn't want to mix it up with the expresso machine.

But that's not the only example of Mary K's really bad writing (though it is one of the best!). She has an annoying habit of repeating things, or of interrupting the narrative to speak directly to the reader about the need to convert to Christianity. Jesus constantly reminds her that he has chosen her to write this book about Hell so that people will know it is real. Does HE really think she's going to forget? Or did Mary figure that reminding the reader of it constantly would make them more likely to believe it?

I'm not even convinced Mary K. Baxter wrote this; the book is copyrighted to a T.L. Lowery. Curiouser and curiouser. T.L. would go on to be a credited co-author on several of Mary's other Divine Revelation books (yes, it's a series), but is name is conspicuously absent on this volume.

Other oddities include the two pages of reviews for this book at the front. Nine people praise the book, which means Mary found at least nine people who thought this was the real deal! Or maybe they were well paid. It's interesting that none of the nine appear to be literary critics.

One of those 'critics' states: "Mary's descriptions of hell are so real that readers will feel that they are right there with her..." Uh huh. Sure, there's a lot of imagination on display, but her descriptions are lacking. Every place is dark, has a foul odour, is full of horrors and terror. She rarely goes beyond that, so this reader never got a sense of the place. The demons get a little more attention, but that only serves to spotlight the book's frail reality. Any lazy writer can stick a jumble of animal parts together and call it a demon. One can't help but think that Mary made them up.

And Satan? He escapes all description altogether. Not one word is used to give the reader a sense of the Devil's form. For that matter, Jesus doesn't get much of a write-up, either. "I cannot find words to express His divine presence," Mary says, "but I know that I know it was the Lord." What?!?

So, divine warning or poorly-written cash grab? If you really need to ponder that one, I feel sorry for you. Still, I could be wrong. Perhaps when I die, I'll say the words that Mary K. Baxter spoke when Jesus left her in Hell for the second time: "Oh, no! I am in hell forever! Oh, no!"

But I doubt it.

Note: There is a special section of Hell for "men loving men, and women loving women, who would not repent and be saved from their sin." It involves blood, fire and chains. That's why it scores points for Disturbing or Offensive Content.

Likely to Convert - 0
Cover Art - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 8
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 3

The Indwelling: Left Behind Book 7 (Audiobook)

My review of Desecration went way longer than I should have gone, so I'll try to make this one shorter. This is the first time I've reviewed an audiobook for this blog, which makes this post somewhat special I suppose. It's an abridged audiobook, running at about 180 minutes, so that should help me chop the reviewing length down.

As with the other books in this series, the authors are Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. The audio version was read by an actor named Frank Muller, who does a creditable job at reading the text and doing different voices for all the various characters.

The story picks up right where Book 6 - Assassins - left off, with the murder of the AntiChrist Nicolae Carpathia during a public appearance. Rayford Steele, who had intended to do the deed, changed his mind at the last second only to have his gun go off accidentally. Everyone assumed he'd done it, but it was in fact Chaim Rosenweitz who performed the killing blow. It seems Chaim pretended to have a stroke in the last book in order to convince Nicolae that he was harmless. His plan worked, Nicolae died, and Chaim escaped thanks to the intervention of the plucky Buck Williams.

Rayford makes his own escape, and is told he is a sinner for trying to do things his way. Rayford should have trusted that God would take care of the assassination! But he didn't, because he has so much pride. Ray prays for forgiveness, and he and Jesus are best buds once again.

Chaim also gets Saved, finally giving in to the constant preaching of Buck over the last several books. Nevertheless his conversion seems a bit sudden - the scene where he is convinced of the Wrongness of his ways and of his Desperate Need for Jesus must have been cut to make the 180 minute running time.

Meanwhile, False Prophet Leon Fortunando sets up a huge funeral for his dead boss, and hires a gay stereotype named Guy Blod to design and build a huge gold statue of Nicolae Carpathia. Leon also has super burning powers, and can call down fire from above (from where above is never spelled out) to destroy Nicolae's enemies. He uses this super power very publicly to dispose of three world leaders who weren't loyal enough to Carpathia. Cool super power, but why couldn't the AntiChrist himself have that power? I pointed out in my last review that Nicolae has to borrow a gun every time he wants to shoot someone.

Of course, Nicolae does have one awesome super power: the ability to come back from the dead. At the funeral, Nicolae returns to life in front of a crowd of thousands and on national television, proving just how awesome he really is and fulfilling the Biblical prophecy predicting his return. And, according to the Bible, the AntiChrist returns to life with Satan in possession of him. Indwelling in his body, as it were. Hence the title. Now that Satan is in command, Nicolae pretty much goes on acting like his old self. In fact, the only way we actually know that Satan is in the guy is because the Trib guys keep telling us so.

Speaking of the Tribulation Force, they have problems of their own. Their super-secure safehouse has been compromised, but they all manage to escape without a single one of them getting captured. The Tribs always seem to escape the AntiChrist's minions with an overabundance of ease. Maybe it's because they have God on their side? Even so, it's a weakness that this book, and indeed the rest of the series, suffers from tremendously.

As bad as I'm making it sound, The Indwelling was still a relatively amusing book. I listened to it on my old Sony Walkman (yes, I still have one[yes, this audiobook copy I found is on cassette]) at night before bed, and I wasn't bored. I wasn't all that fascinated, either; as good a voice as Frank Muller has, he could not convince me to keep listening once I got tired. I'd have to say that Indwelling is pretty much a lesser entry in the series. Nothing much seems to happen - and this is the book where the AntiChrist returns from the dead possessed by Satan! The entire book feels like filler. Fun filler at times, but filler none the less.

There, that was a little shorter, wasn't it? Of course, I didn't go into as much depth as I usually go, so this is kind of an abridged review, too.

Likely to Convert - 0
Cover Art - 4
Reader's Voice - 6
Ability to Hold Interest - 5
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 5