All This I Did For Thee

This small effort from the Fellowship Tract League would be utterly forgettable if it weren't for that cover. I mean, look at it, for God's sake. It's a guy (presumably Jesus) who's had the snot kicked out of him. Even his head is bleeding! This is one of the most horrible images I've ever seen on a tract, and I've seen a lot of these things. Now I don't need to rent Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion Of The Christ. I just need to look at this thing. Yuck!

The rest of the tract, like I said, is utterly forgettable. It's a simple quote tract, using the usual bits of scripture to tell the reader they need to get Saved. The last page offers readers a choice between accepting and rejecting Jesus, complete with tick boxes. What's with the tick box trend, honestly? This is at least the second if not the third time I've seen this gimmick. Are the authors of these things really expecting readers to tick a box and send it in? This one is, apparently - they ask readers to do so, and provide space for them to fill in their names, addresses and ages.

But enough about that boring stuff. Let's get back to that cover!
What a marvelous use of black and white and only one colour - red! I also like the way Jesus' face is hidden in shadow. Wow, that guy really went through a lot to Save you. At least, that's what the authors and/or artist wants you to think.

Points for attention-grabbing, League. If only the tract inside could live up to the promise of that cover. I'm sure Bloody Jesus wouldn't be too happy knowing that these few verses were the best the author could come up with to use with his beaten image.

Please, League! Try to do better. Half-assed tracts make Bloody Jesus cry.

Likely to Convert - 3
Artwork - 7
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 1
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1

The Hour Is Coming: Heaven Or Hell? Time Is Running Out

As Bible verse-quoting tracts go, this one from Evangelical Tract Distributors is one of the laziest. At least, like the subjects of my last two reviews, it wastes very little of the reader's time.

The middle two pages are Bible verses, lacking even the title/translations that made First The Bad News... so entertaining. I guess they are all in support of the time-running-out theme, but that is left to readers to decide.

The cover contains the overlong title and a picture of a yellow clock, the hour hand pointing to 11. I guess it's representative of time running out, with midnight (or lunchtime) only one hour away. The cover also has some random sentences at the bottom, instructing readers to "flee from the wrath to come" and informing them that "today is the Day of Salvation."

The last page foregoes the usual prayer for Salvation in favour of some really bad poetry. In fact, poetry is too good a word for what this tract's author came up with. "Almost is but to fail, Almost cannot avail, Doom comes at last." WTF does that mean? If you're trying to Save people's souls, don't waste time confusing them with crap.

This tract appears to have been thrown together without a whole lot of thought. It's as if the people at Evangelical Tract Distributors had to come up with one at the last minute to fill their quota, and didn't really care how it came out. "Ooh, ooh, I've got some clip art of a clock," an ETD person might have said. "Quick, somebody grab me some verses about End Times stuff and I'll write some poetry real quick."

The Hour may be coming, and it may take less than a minute to read, but no one should have to give even a second to this pathetic drivel.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 0
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Paid In Full

This one, from the Fellowship Tract League, uses more or less the same format and formula as First The Bad News.... It's a bunch of Bible quotes and/or passages that fit the theme of our sin debt having been paid.

Each group of quotes begins with a bold, all-caps title question, like: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR SIN DEBT WILL COST YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY?

It occurs to me that if it's a sin debt, then we need to come up with a lot of sins to pay it off. But why quibble about the choice of words when the format of the tract gets the reader to the end just as fast as First The Bad News...?

Paid In Full ends with two choices, and two tick-boxes for readers to indicate their choice. You can "trust Jesus Christ and his finished payment" or "reject the payment of Jesus Christ." Considering the theme, why use tick boxes? A bill format with payment options would have been more appropriate, and visually more appealing.

As with so many tracts, Paid In Full offers nothing new. Its format and brevity make it a quick read, with minimal time wasted. Not much of a compliment, I know. But then, Paid In Full isn't much of a tract.


Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 3
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

First The Bad News...

Lately I've been enjoying tracts that either aren't repetitive (not many) or are at least short. This new offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors fits the latter bill.

First The Bad News... is a collection of quotes compiled by Mrs. Don Brill, each with a rating of either Bad News or Good News. Each quote also has an all-caps title that serves to translate the lines of scripture from Biblical into English. For example - BAD NEWS: WE DESERVE ETERNAL PUNISHMENT. "And whosoever was not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the Lake of Fire." Revelation 20:15.

Some of the all-caps title-translations are redundant, like this one - GOOD NEWS: CHRIST CAME TO SAVE SINNERS. "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners."

The last page provides the standard Salvation prayer, cementing my impression that this tract offers nothing new. Like I said, however, it is a short tract, and doesn't bore the reader with some contrived story. I like brevity in tracts - it wastes so much less of a reader's time.

Likely to Convert - 2
Artwork - 1
Ability to Hold Interest - 1
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

The Christian's Manner of Dress

Here's a rare one that isn't trying to convert readers. It isn't even targeted at non-believers. This tract, credited to the Rev. Ejj and published by Gospel Tract and Bible Society, is aimed squarely at Christians.

And I do mean square. This tract aims to convince the Christian reader that "there is a discreet way of dress that befits the Christian and his high calling." After all, a person's dress sense "is like a window providing a look into his heart," and "the true disciples of Christ have always been known for their humble dress."

Naturally, Satan won't have any of this, and so he "uses various methods to undermine God's standard of modest dress." What are those 'various methods'? The tract doesn't say. It talks about clothing "worn mainly as an ornament or display" and "suggestive attire" that "draws attention to the human form and promotes lustful thoughts and desires," but it doesn't directly tie these fashion choices back to Satan. I guess it's meant to be implied.

Another no-no? "Clothing that is tightly fitted" because it arouses "the passions of the opposite sex," which leads "to immorality.

Rev. Ejj draws mainly from the writings of Paul for these clothing directives, and makes clear Paul's statement in Corinthians 6:19-20 that a Christian "is to glorify God in his body and in his spirit."

In 1 Timothy 2:8-10, he goes after women, telling them to "adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety." Paul is far from the only sexist bastard in the Bible; Peter also has a few things to say. In 1 Peter 3:3-4 he says "that women should shun 'that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing gold,'" etc.

And guess what? Cross-dressing is right out. "All that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God."

Seems pretty strict, but then "even a proud look is an abomination to God." Fashion appeals "to man's vain pride," and when a person's fashion desires "are gratified, man becomes a slave of fashion rather than a servant of God."

So what are the words that best describe what a Christian's clothing should be? Modesty, simplicity, comely, humble. Someone should tell the Pope. And the cardinals, bishops and priests. And not a few televangelists.

This tract appears dull and lifeless to the eye, being simple text upon green paper. If one invests the time to read it, however, it does prove entertaining (and offensive to both women and transgendered people). Since there is no mention of Hell or Salvation or even Jesus himself, it has the distinction of being somewhat unique among tracts. If it had been done in cartoon form, it could have been brilliant. Something to think about, Rev. Ejj.

Then again, maybe the lack of "outward adorning" and "costly array" is the author's way of driving his point home. Subtle, Ejj, but one can take that too far. Christians get bored like everybody else, you know.

"God's will is that the human form should be covered, not displayed," and "a holy beauty will radiate from those who are surrendered to God's will." Such a lovely use of words, considering his message is that fashion is bad, but human skin is badder. I wish Rev. Ejj all the success in the world in converting his fellow Christians to the true path of uninteresting clothes. After all, we all know the Devil wears Prada.


Likely to Convert - N/A
Likely to Change Christian Fashion - 2
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 6
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 4

Are You 100% Sure?

Half the size of regular tracts, this offering from Faithway Baptist Church offers the soul absolute certainty of its afterlife destination with only half the paper. Like 7 Things That Will Not Get You Into Heaven, it gets points for producing less waste while having nothing new to say.

"All men, including you," are sinners who must "be born again through Jesus Christ" in order to avoid "an eternal Hell." If you do, "you can be 100% sure that you are going to Heaven." Seems that "nothing else will do... not church membership, not baptism, not confirmation, not communion." That last bit is a lot like 7 Things, except there's only four of them. And two of those items don't appear in 7 Things's list. Which means it could have been 9 Things.

Whatever. They both use less paper, and in the end that's what really counts.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

7 Things That Will Not Get You Into Heaven

This tract is nothing special, but it is short. Published by Grace & Truth, it is only two pages, back-to-back. The title alone takes up a quarter of the allotted space.

The second quarter is devoted to those titular seven things: going to church, being baptized, keeping the commandments, performing religious duties, doing good works, going to confession and having good morals. The rest of the tract tells us the usual Jesus-is-the-only-way message.

While boring and trite, this tract saves on paper while simultaneously saving readers precious time. We have nothing new to say, the tract tells us, but at least we say it quickly. And less paper means it is better for the environment, too. I only have to crumple up half as much before tossing it in a blue bin.

Likely to Convert - 1
Artwork - 2
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0