Who Really Rules The World?

This is the first Jehovah's Witness tract to appear on this site. Their tracts aren't as plentiful; mostly JW's give out copies of their magazines - Awake & The Watchtower - instead.

Published by Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of Pennsylvania, this tract poses an interesting premise; our world is in fact ruled by Satan and his demons.

Well, that explains how George W. got two terms.

Seriously, though, this tract tries to convince readers that Satan's ownership of us is the reason the world is so messed up. It's a nice thought, really, because it lets all of humanity off the hook. No factual evidence backs up this claim; the tract relies solely on Biblical quotes and stories to prove its point. For example, the tract discusses the time when Satan tempted Jesus in the wilderness. He offered Him all the kingdoms of the world if Jesus would fall to his knees and worship him. How could Satan offer Him the world, the tract asks, if it wasn't his to offer? Ah ha! And Jesus does not deny Satan's ownership, either. So there.

As with most tracts, you have to already believe the Bible in order to accept the Biblical truth at face value. If you don't, what reason do you have to believe that Satan rules us, rather than us simply ruling ourselves?

Having run out of material to back up the World Emperor Satan claim, the tract spends the next two pages off on a tangent about demons. Apparently, demons pretend to be dead people to fool people who go to mediums and seances. This kind of involvement is called Spiritism, and the tract urges readers to "resist all its practices regardless of how much fun, or how exciting, they may seem to be."

Demons also promote "literature, movies, and television programs that feature immoral and unnatural sexual behaviour." What do you suppose those unnatural behaviours are? Probably not navel penetration, I'm guessing.

The tract ends not with the usual 'Save me' prayer but an announcement that "the time is near when Satan and his cohorts will be no more!" How this will happen is not revealed.

This tract, while mostly text, isn't as lame as one might guess. There's some interesting background on Satan and his great rebellion against God, and the stuff on unnatural sexual behaviour is either hilarious or deeply offensive, depending on how you choose to look at it.

It is worth noting the tract never mentions how Satan came to rule the world - quite the glaring omission. Also, the tract doesn't ask the reader to convert. Instead, it says that "those who do God's will" will "enjoy life forever in God's righteous new world." Good on them. I hope they have a good time.

And I hope their other tracts will be better than this one.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 4
Ability to Hold Interest - 4
Unintentional Hilarity - 3
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 3

Trinity

A woman handed me this in a subway station on my way home from work. She told me that "the wrath is coming, to Canada as well as other countries." Glad to hear we won't be left out.

I told her the tract had a nice cover, but the words were unlikely to grab anyone's attention. I don't think she understood what I meant. She offered me another from the same publisher (Canadian Bible Society), but it wasn't any better.

You know, it occurs to me the religious community might not wholly appreciate the work I do critiquing their tracts. Just a hunch.

Anyway, Trinity is another quote tract. The cover is a lovely stained-glass window, but the inside is mostly Bible quotes and way too much white space.

Notice I said mostly. The introductory paragraph is slightly intriguing, as it talks about why the Old Testament "never refers explicitly to God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." No, it isn't because they hadn't come up with the whole Trinity concept yet. Instead, the Old Testament "insists on the unity of God" because of "the large number of polytheistic religions of the time." Neat. It doesn't save this tract or anything, but it's the most interesting thing it has to say.

Sorry, subway lady, but if you want to save us from this wrath thingie, you'll need to find better tracts than this one.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 5
Ability to Hold Interest - 2
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Eternal Life Is A Free Gift

This one's going out to the three cute girls I met on the subway on Sunday. I saw them reading this tract, and asked if I could review it for this blog. Thanks, girls!

Sadly, it's not one of the good ones. Published by the Fellowship Tract League, it's just three pages of text with a lame clip-art cover (and not even the good clip art, either).

The message inside is nothing new, nor is it presented in an original or creative way. You're a sinner, you're going to Hell, good works can't save you, you can't save yourself, you gotta be born again. Blah, blah, blah, heard it all before.

Still, this 'free gift' does have some amusing bits. To make sure we understand what Hell will be like, this tract says it will be "eternal burning!" With the quotation marks and exclamation point. And those two words were in bold and italic typeface. They could have done each letter in different colours, but that would have been overkill.

There's also some of that old time Biblical talk. Apparently, Jesus once said, "Verily, verily, I say unto thee..." Wow. Don't hear a lot of that nowadays. And you gotta hand it to the Lord, one 'verily' would not have been enough. Later we get a description of life, described as "a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." Love the use of 'eth' in there. Just sprinkle a few eth's into daily conversation and you get instant Biblicability.

The same goes for 'hath', as in this sentence: "For Christ also hath once suffered for sins." You can't go wrong with hath.

I gotta tell you, Fellowship Tract League, this Free Gift of yours looks suspiciously like a cheap tie you bought at Value Village. Or a Santa-shaped tin you re-gifted from a friend. You won't be saving any souls with this one.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 4
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

Are You Good Enough For Heaven?

Short answer - NO.

Here's another tract from Ron Wheeler, the cartoonist behind Is Christianity Just A Crutch? and others. Usually, cartoon tracts guarantee at least some entertainment value, but not this one. Here, Ron is clearly slumming it.

Published by Good News Publishers, this entire tract is a conversation between the author (who appears simply as text) and a guy in a yellow shirt (who represents all of us lowly scumbag sinners). The floating text asks the yellow-shirted guy what he's done to deserve to go to Heaven, then points out that he's really not that great at all. The yellow-shirted guy lets the text questions walk all over him, then admits he's a sinner who doesn't obey God's laws. The text tells him to pray for Salvation, which he does on the last page.

Ron, what the fudge? Why didn't you have a character like God or an angel talk to the guy? That would have been a lot more interesting than simple text.

Plus, I have to take you to task for the bullying nature you demonstrate. You ask your yellow-shirted guy what good deeds he's done, then chastise him for not fighting hunger in 3rd world countries. You even have a go at him for not helping an old lady with her groceries. And yet, countless tracts have said that good works are meaningless (one even referred to them as 'filthy rags'). You even point that out to the yellow shirted dude when you tell him he needs to be born again.

So why all the talk about helping 3rd world countries? That won't help him get to Heaven, so why bring it up? That's like trying to tell someone they need a ticket to get on a train by criticizing the way they packed their luggage.

Next time, Ron, I hope you'll do a better job. It can't be easy being a poor man's Jack Chick, but that's no excuse for sloppy work. I may not be good enough for Heaven, but this tract ain't good enough for me.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 3
Ability to Hold Interest - 3
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

The True Meaning of Christmas

In one of the South Park Christmas Specials, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo tells viewers that "for some people, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus!" This tract shares that sentiment, and encourages readers to give a life in Christ a go.

Sadly, it's a quote tract. Four Biblical quotations seek to convince the reader that Jesus is the true reason for the season. What have I always said about quote tracts? They are boring, and no one will read them. I mean, if you picked up a piece of paper on which were written the words: "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord," would you be all, like, "Woah! I never thought of life like that before. I'm converting immediately!" I mean, really?

And speaking of conversion, this tract has no instructions on how to go about it. It asks you to receive Jesus as your personal Saviour, but doesn't include the standard "I'm a sinner please Save me" prayer that practically every other tract has some version of. A very strange and unusual omission, indeed. Especially as Christians consider it the Gift of Life, and this tract is about Christmas.

This tract does, however, offer up a very nice painting of a church in winter. It is called Moonlit Village, and the artist is Thomas Kinkade. Very pretty. Too bad you can't judge a tract by its cover (although in all honesty, you usually can).

Christmas is a time of giving, but I have only contempt to offer up for this one.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 6
Ability to Hold Interest - 0
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

It's A Honey of a Deal!

Did humanity make a deal with God regarding the fate of our eternal souls? No, we did not. But the Fellowship Tract League thought that suggesting we had might make for a more interesting tract.

And boy, are they wrong.

The tract is divided into three parts: The Negative Aspects of the Deal, The Positive Aspects of the Deal, and The Terms of the Deal. This makes you think that there is in fact a deal involved. However, the Negative section merely states that you are a sinner destined for Hell, and the Positive part only tells you that Jesus paid the penalty for your sin. The Terms? "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be Saved."

Where, exactly, does the deal come in? It doesn't. But making it seem like a deal disguises the fact that this is another quote tract!

Don't get me started on the cover, or the title. What's a bear eating honey got to do with a supposed deal humanity did not make with God regarding Salvation?

Face it, League - your tracts suck. Deal with it.

Likely to Convert - -0
Artwork - 2
Ability to Hold Interest - 0
Unintentional Hilarity - 0
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 0

There Is Hope In This Troubled World: What You Need To Know

I hope you all enjoyed my examination of tracts that use their words creatively. Now, unfortunately, we're back to the boring ones.

The only interesting thing about this offering from Evangelical Tract Distributors is its overly long title. As long titles go, it gives Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl a run for its money.

Otherwise, this tract is dull as watching dry paint get dryer. You need to be Saved, you cannot Save yourself, God has made a way for you to be Saved, blah, blah, blah, heard it all before, guys. Nothing is less interesting and convincing than a quote tract, and this is the worst of the bunch.

Likely to Convert - 0
Artwork - 0
Ability to Hold Interest - 0
Unintentional Hilarity - 2
Level of Disturbing or Offensive Content - 1